Inside Cocopoutine's Head!!!

Coco and BigM Visit The Rock.

2012-01-09T10:09:00.000-08:00

A few years back, BigM, HillBilly and I contemplated going on a trip but couldn't decide where we should go.

BigM suggested Disneyland. Somehow the thought of HillBilly standing in a little boat at the "It's A Small World" attraction, screaming "Hush yore tater traps you awfullest quair daintsing hissy lickered-up lightning bug yungin furners!!!", shooting at hundreds of brightly costumed audio-animatronic dolls, didn't lead me to believe we'd be frolicking in the spirit of international unity, as the attraction was meant to do. It actually conjured up images of Chuck Norris, hunkered down deep in a Vietnam jungle, picking off General Trau's soldiers one by one, in an incredible effort to free American prisoners of war...

I imagined, out of the Arctic/North Pole room, being ambushed by Scandinavian animatronic dolls. A block of Danish, Norwegian and Swedish fighting dolls were stomping and screaming from behind with spiked balls, lances and shields pointed towards us. English dolls with Cockney accents came running out of the Europe room backed by French and Italian children of the world. Chamois, Wild Ibexes and Marmots came storming with angry yodeling Swiss dolls. We raced as fast as our little boat could go, past the Asian, African and Latin American rooms, only to be greeted by angry howling mermaids tossing King Triton-like tridents at us....Needless to say, we all agreed that Disneyland may not be such a good idea.

One night, we were watching WWF Championship Wrestling. It happened to be the Royal Rumble. BigM and I were rooting for The Undertaker while HillBilly favored Hulk Hogan. To our surprise, some up and comer was mowing down wrestlers right and left. He DDTed Triple H, driving the poor soul's head into the mat, Sharpshooted Kurt Angle , slammed Jericho to the mat with a Samoan Drop and Spinebusted The Big Show and every other wrestler in the ring. Then came the most amazing spectacle you could imagine...he was staring straight in the face of Hulk Hogan, who was ripping his yellow-and-red shirt off his body, flexing, shaking and reacting to thousands of Hulkamaniacs' and HillBilly's frantic screams and cheers. HillBilly looked over at BigM and I "Lawdy!!! that boy's life's bout to mean Doodley-squat, that dawg won't be huntin no more!!!" But before you knew it, he picked up the Hulkster, slammed him to the mat and kicked him repeatedly in the face. He then looked in the stands, pulled off his elbow pad in slow motion and threw it into the crowd. He ran left, bounced off the ropes, then over Hulk Hogan who was still on the ground, and bounced off the ropes again. He stopped in front of his prey, kicked his right leg up and dropped an elbow on Hulk Hogan's heart. BigM and I were freaking!!! We had just witnessed "The People's Elbow". The young wrestler had slayed the great Hulk Hogan and was screaming "DO YOU SMELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL WHAT THE ROCK IS COOKIN!!!!". The young warrior was "The Rock" and inspired BigM and I to choose Newfoundland, also known as "The Rock", for our trip destination...

You did remember this all started with us trying to decide where we should go for our trip, right?

HillBilly didn't want any part of Newfoundland, as he was still upset with Hulk's demise to "The Rock", and decided to stay home.

The only problem with Newfoundland was the fact that it was known for odd and extreme weather, but we ingeniously planned our trip for the city of Ramea Beach, knowing full well there would be beach-like weather with hotties in bikinis swarming all over the place.

It took two days of traveling, from a ferry, to a schooner vessel, a French shallop, a punt keeled rowboat and a canoe made of birchbark. We finally arrived at Ramea Beach in our kayak sealskin boat. The ocean was so rough, BigM and I probably swallowed enough salt ocean water to season the city's poutine intake for the next five years.

We were greeted by the city's mayor, Chesley Antle, in the pouring rain. "She's some lop on da pond, buddy what?"...umm yeah, nice to meet you sir, my name is Luc and this is my buddy BigM. Those ocean waves are huuuuge, a liitle rough for our liking, you know what I mean? "That's what I just said me by'e, why, your monkey friend is all mops and brooms me son!!"...well, if you don't mind Chesley, we've had an extremely long trip, but BigM will surely mop and clean your kayak in the morning if that's ok with you...."no worries me by'e, i dies at u"...I later found out that "all mops and brooms" meant untidy condition of the hair and that Chesley wasn't about to kill himself, he was just saying I was funny.

Good thing HillBilly didn't come...can you imagine the confusing conversations?

BigM and I walked down Main Street, looking for our hotel, "The Old Trout". You'd think in a small town of 185 people, it wouldn't be hard to find. An hour later, I asked someone for directions. Excuse me mam, can you tell me where I can find "The Old Trout" hotel? The lady replied "ow she gettin on dere cocky?" I looked down and checked my pants in case my fly was down. "you looks like you've been hauled through a knot hole, yes by'e, it's out on the neck, down da arm, up the shore, you can't miss it"...

Ok kind lady, my friend and I have just spent nearly two days in the ocean, wearing these ridiculous yellow sou'wester hats, raincoats and boots, on every type of boat imaginable, fighting off whales and sea gulls and spitting out more salt than any MacDonald's fry can ever imagine doing!! And it's pouring rain!!! Can you pleeeeease give us a street name and an address or at least point us in the right direction??? The lady laughed "yur stund as me arse aren't ya me by'e?? I've watched you both passer by three times already, jus turn around an walk straight, yur a gunshot away".

Turns out "The Old Trout" hotel was an old woman's house with three rooms for rent, which explains why we passed by it three times. We walked in and were greeted by the owner, Bessie Trout. Good evening mam, we were looking for a place to stay for the next ten days, would you have any vacancy? "Lard tunderin!!! wus ya born on a raff? Close the door, it's cold!!!" BigM raced to the front door and shut it tight. "The doors not an arse hole, it doesnt shut it self!!!" Ok mam, I get it, we're very sorry. "Yes by'e, I have one room left for ya and yur monkey friend, $125 a night"...

$125 a night? for a bedroom in your house? We'll find another hotel, thanks anyways. As we walked out, I heard her scream "Fair weather to you and rain to your heels me by'e, but this here's the only hotel in Ramea's Beach". BigM and I looked at each other, rain dripping from the brim of our yellow sou'wester hats, and walked back in the house. Ok Bessie, we'll take it. "That'll be $1500 for 10 nights!!" But you said $125 a night didn't you? "i'se da gal da bulid da boat... ur's da by's dat sails er, so wat I says goes me by'e or you sleep outside!!!" Before I could say "you know what you can do with your room you old trout!!!", a young goddess-like red-headed beauty of a woman waltzed in the living room...

Now, tell me you didn't see that coming...

Normally, I would say she had me from hello, but in this case, she had me from"'ow she cuttin dere by'e?"

Umm, hi my name is Luc and this is my buddy BigM. "Pleased to meet you, my name is Effie, I see you met my stepmother... myyy, yur some-nice-piece-a-stuff"...before I knew it, BigM had me tackled to the ground...he sensed the oncoming Rudolph-Clarice "I'm cute, I'm cuuuuuute" moment before I had the chance to jump around the house screaming "I'm some-nice-piece-a-stuff, I'm some-nice-piece-a-stuuuuuuuuuuuuff".

I'll take the room Mrs. Trout, actually $150 a night is not enough for a nice establishment like this, here's $2000!!

"Lard dien' dumpin, if I ever find you messin with my Effie, there won't be enough of you to pray over!!!"

The next morning, BigM and I sat at the breakfast table with Bessie the old trout, Effie, Harvey and Hedley, who were guys renting the other two rooms...

Harvey: Wattaya At.

Hedley: Nuttin.

Harvey: You wit Maggie last night er wha.

Hedley: Yuh.

Harvey: How was she?

Hedley: OHHHHHH STATE!

To this day, I still have no idea what those guys were talking about.

Effie and I were really hitting it off!!! We spent our days together, sometimes strolling the dock, hand in hand, with BigM on my shoulder, Effie's beautiful red hair flowing in the hurricane-like wind, feeding capelin and herring to the beautiful puffins. We also visited the forest, spending time with white-tailed deer, red foxes, beavers, caribou, blue jays, bunnies and squirrels who had no fear whatsoever of Effie's gentle hands and voice. It was like a scene from Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs, and Effie singing "With a Smile and a Song" while the animals came out of the trees and bushes humming and singing with her. Effie was my Snow White, beautiful inside and out.

On another day, we visited Effie's workplace, Ramea Beach Sea Products Ltd. She was the Fish Plant Team Leader, in charge of the fish plant labourers, fish cutters and cleaners, fish cutting machine operators, fish briners, fish salters, shellfish labourers, shellfish weighers, shellfish shuckers, as well as the fish and shellfish packers. She introduced me as her boyfriend. I now knew I was in love.

On day nine of our vacation, the three of us decided to go out for a drive. As usual, it was pouring rain with hurricane-like winds....definitely not weather you would associate with a place called Ramea's Beach, but it didn't matter, because I was with Effie.

"Ya better put da side back in 'er b'y".

I had spent so much time with Effie, that I actually knew she had asked me to roll the window up in the car. At that very moment, I felt a special bond and connection with Effie. I could understand her language and could probably speak it if I was forced to. I felt I knew her totally, inside and out. It was kind of like the bond and connection between Jake Sully, an Avatar Program bodyguard, and Neytiri, of the densely forested habitable moon called Pandora. Like Jake, I knew that I would have to choose between staying with my beloved Effie in Pandora, or in my case, Ramea Beach, or go back home...and I only had one more day to decide.

She dropped BigM and I off at Willie and Sadie's corner store, while she headed to Fannie's Self-Serve to gas up. I asked Sadie where the beach happened to be. "Beach? nare one here me by'e". But, your town is called Ramea's Beach, shouldn't there be a beach and beach-like weather with hotties in bikinis swarming all over the place? That's why we chose to come here you know, along with the fact that our favorite wrestler, The Rock, just beat Hulk Hogan for the WWF Championship. "You ever wonder wat Effie sees in ya me by'e?, cawse u gotta face only ya mudder could love, and yur stund as me arse" " but I'll tell ya that we have no beach...we changed our town's name from Ramea to Ramea's Beach to help our tourism revenue by attractin folk like you looking for a warm holiday".

Hey!!! you're the second person who's said I was "stund as me arse", I resent that, and what do you have against my face???

"What I mean is yous got a face on yer like a burnt-boiled-boot!!"

Well Sadie!! Effie said that I was some-nice-piece-a-stuff, so she must like something about me!!! and I think she loves me. "How much you payin ol Bessie Trout for your room me by'e? $150 a night? $200? I'll betcha paying more than you wanted arncha? Ye fellas can never figr' that one out can ya??" Ol Bessie and Effie Trout are makin a fortune off you me by'e".

Two hours had passed, and Effie hadn't come back to get us at the corner store. I was starting to believe Sadie's story. Was it possible that my beautiful Snow White's affections for me were actually a ruse with her stepmother, Queen Grimhilde, to milk me out of $2000, like many other unsuspecting guys before me?

I grabbed BigM and raced back to "The Old Trout" hotel. We walked in the kitchen to find Harvey and Hedley, crying, faces planted on the table. They told us how Effie and Bessie had scammed them out of their hard earned money as well. Apparently, Bessie and Effie left for a few days, long enough to avoid us all, before checkout time.

Sadie was telling the truth after all.

The next morning, BigM and I had one last breakfast with Harvey and Hedley before checkout time.

We cooked and ate everything we could find to try and make up for the $2000 the Trouts had scammed from us. We ate so much, we felt blowed up like blood poison cats.

Harvey and Hedley shook our hands and wished us well..."May the wind always blow in your back mates".

At the dock, we told our Bessie and Effie Trout story to Chesley the mayor. He apologized for not saying this to me sooner..."My father would warn about dating red headed girls...he would say "mind now me son, don't you be at dem foxy heads now. Ya knows dere nuttin but spite cats".

Unfortunately, it was a lesson I learned a little too late. As BigM and I rowed away in our kayak sealskin boat, swallowing wave after wave of salt ocean water and fighting off angry sea gulls and Greenland sharks, I realized the epic fail of our vacation. Not only did we miss out on a relaxing, sunny beach holiday, and were scammed out of $2000 for a 10 day small one bedroom stay at Bessie and Effie's "The Old Trout" hotel, I once again failed in the pursuit of a love interest (and also found out there may something wrong with my face).

As my favorite cartoon buddy "Bugs Bunny" would say, "Boo hoo hoo- always a bridesmaid but never the bride.... Boo Hoo Hoo".

The Walls of Dairy.

2012-01-02T19:47:00.001-08:00

BigM and HillBilly came running home the other day. The last time I had seen my little monkey BigM this scared was the time we watched "Barney and Friends" together. Barney, Baby Bop and B.J. were talking about how you need to eat from the four food groups, Bread & Cereal, Meats & Protein, Milk & Dairy, & Fruits and Vegetables to be healthy. I felt safe since my Poutines and Pizza covered all the bases. But BigM only ate bananas...

As Barney said "I'll tell you. There once was a boy who would only eat noodles. Oodles, and oodles, and oodles of noodles. And unless mom served him, he'd go boo-hoo-hoodles. Yes unless he got noodles he get him mad noodles. And wiggle and whine and act terribly rooddles. He wouldn't eat salad or meatballs or froodles. He thought those were things that could wait. But then one dark day after eating his noodles, not carrots, and oranges, and such healthy froodles, that little boy turned into a noodle. And let that be a lesson to him, me, and youdle"...now, by the time Barney got to the part to "with a great big hug and a kiss from me to you" in his song, HillBilly was blasting the television with his shotgun screaming "ENOUGH WITH THEM OODLES N NOODLES N FROODLES, I kain't stands this no more!!! it's purt nigh time to put this ugly-as-a-mudfence-purple-quair-daintsing-overgrown-freak o nature possum, out of his misery!!!"

BigM was so scared he would turn into a banana, since that was all he ate. Of course, I didn't make things easier for him. Whenever BigM would reach for his fruity snack, I would say "Shimboree shimborah. Shimboree shimborah! YOU'RE GONNA TURN INTO A BANANA!!! MOUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!" I think I really over did it the time I decided to only eat bananas for a whole day and made sure BigM knew that. I walked in the living room that night in my "Bananas in Pyjamas" costume singing "BAH BEE BAH BEE BAH BEE BAH BEE BAH BEE BAH, are you thinking what I'm thinking B1?" I think BigM thought I had turned into a banana. Before HillBilly could say "Lawdy monkey-boy, he's just playin possum, you shid know by now that his cornbread ain't done!!!", BigM was swinging and racing across the house, there was no stopping him. By the time he settled down, the house was littered with broken lamps, flipped-over coffee and end tables and gazillions of torn up Miley Cyrus and Lady Gaga posters. I guess you can say BigM just went bananas.

Anyways, like I started saying, BigM and HillBilly came running home one day. BigM had a look of fright in his face while HillBilly was just plain angry. They were both huffing and puffing like crazy and the smell of buttermilk was in the air. "What's wrong guys?

"Crazy lady!! Crazy lady!!" was all BigM could say. HillBilly explained. "We's jus suffered the awfullest attack you jus kain't imagine. We ran like scaled dogs dodgin yogurt cups, cans o yungin formula and spray cans o whipped cream, whilst dis mighty fetchin but tougher-than-a-one-eard-alley-cat-crazy-woman wus screamin "NO SURRENDER, NO SURRENDER!!! THESE ARE DAIRY'S WALLS, AND I STAND EMBATTLED TO DEFEND HER".

Umm, have you guys been in the moonshine and banana martini's again?

BigM frantically explained how they were walking home from their day of Boxing Week shopping. They had bought me "The Wildly Delicious Brie Baker", which is part of their Petite Maison line. Apparently, it is packaged beautifully with a bamboo spreader in it's replica Cheese Wheel Box. They had also bought brie cheese, along with baguettes, crostini, fruits and crackers. I had always dreamed about that warm, velvety, decadently creamy baked Brie taste in my mouth, so the guys were so excited to surprise me with this.

As they walked down Chancery Street, they passed in front of a beautiful house. In the front yard, they noticed a fort-like structure that seemed to look like a snow fort, covered with small tubs of banana yogurt. They also couldn't help but notice a long hose off to the side. BigM passed the groceries to HillBilly and raced towards the fort, salivating at the thought of maybe sampling a container or two of banana yogurt. "Lans-sake BigM, didja know youz fixin to gitcha self in trouble or sumpin?? youz never bin tawt that tresspassin kin getcha shot??? I donts like dis vaymuch!!!!"

As BigM reached for a yogurt cup, the house front door opened, and a woman came racing out with a bag full of "Nestle Good Start" cans of baby formula, and "Reddi-Wip" spray cans of whipped cream. BigM and HillBilly dropped everything they had, the Wildly Delicious Brie Baker, the brie cheese, baguettes, crostini, fruits and crackers, and "headed fur da hills!!!" as HillBilly would say, while dodging banana yogurt cups, Reddi-Wip and baby formula while slipping and sliding through buttermilk jet streaming at them from the crazy lady's hose.

Obviously, this story seemed a little far fetched, almost like a story you'd hear or read from a crazed-lunatic-deranged and off centered maniac who should probably be locked up somewhere and never be seen again.

But I still had to follow up on this, especially since the guys did smell like buttermilk and were covered in whipped cream. I also had to get my Wildly Delicious Brie Baker back.

The three of headed to Chancery Street. I figured BigM could go and apologize to the lady since he did actually tresspass on her property. As we got in the neighborhood, it was easy for me to see which property the guys had encountered. The front lawn had this five foot high, purple-pink-yellow fortress-like wall with hundreds of empty two liter tubs of Chapman's fruity flavored frozen yogurt around it, with an orange castle gate-like entrance door, right in the middle. There were mice seemingly trying to nibble at the gate's door, while cats were licking away at the walls and chasing after the mice. A long hose was laying at the side of the fort, along with my "Wildly Delicious Brie Baker", and rustic chunks of baguette all over the place. An open package of Brie cheese was laying amongst the mice, with pieces of fruit and crackers all over the property. About twenty feet from the fort, there was a huge snowman with what seemed to be a monkey-shaped tunnel through his stomach. This had to be the place!!!

Nobody was outside, so we headed for the Wildly Delicious Brie Baker, with the intent to then go apologize to the lady. We were no more than three feet from the Brie Baker when all of a sudden, sirens started blaring. We were bombarded by loud and aggressive horns, drums, bugles, bagpipes and carnyxes. Cats and mice were running all over the place. I grabbed BigM and HillBilly and took refuge behind the huge snowman. As we sat there in fright, we were trembling to the sounds of "You'll Never Beat the Irish "...

You'll never beat the Irish

No matter what you do

You can put us down and keep us out

But we'll come back again

You know we are the fighting Irish

and we'll fight until the end

You should have known

You'll never beat the Irish

The front doors to the house swung open. A woman came running out and took refuge behind the fortress with her hose in hand.

HillBilly was beside himself. "I have the awfullest feeling we ain't gonna git outta dis alive...the lady is as purty as a speckled pup, but crazier than a run over dog ".

Ok guys, let me try and reason with her. "Excuse me kind lady, my name is Luc and I was wondering if I can come out and explain our intentions here?". Two seconds later, the three of us were clinging to each other, under a spraying of buttermilk from the lady's hose with marbled Cheese Strings bouncing all around us. I looked through the snowman's monkey-shaped tunnel to see this woman valiantly aiming her buttermilk flowing hose at us in one hand, while throwing cheese strings with the other and screaming "NO SURRENDER, NO SURRENDER, THESE ARE DAIRY'S WALLS, AND I STAND EMBATTLED TO DEFEND HER!!!".

Defiantly, I stood up. Through the buttermilk splashing across my face and up my nose, and small cartons of "Egg Beaters" flying by, I calmly explained "I'm just here to apologize for my buddy BigM's actions earlier today. We understand that he made a big mistake in tresspassing on your property, and we are deeply sorry for any inconvenience this may have caused you". If you don't mind, I'll slowly walk over, grab my "Wildly Delicious Brie Baker", any baguette chunks and Brie cheese I can make use of, and we'll be on our way.

All of a sudden, the jet of buttermilk subsided. All got silent. The lady put her hose down and screamed "This is my (hic) property, and (hic) what lies on it, now belongs (hic) to me.

HillBilly yelled out: "That woman is higher than a Georgia pine!!!".

The woman shouted back: " Are you trying to say I'm piflicated or something? I'm just a little tipsy, that's all!!!"

Great!!! Not only do I have to figure out what HillBilly was accusing the woman of, I had to deal with this crazy lady throwing big words out at me. "Excuse me kind lady, I'm sure that my buddy wasn't insinuating that you are piflicated". I tried to act as if I knew what the word actually meant.

All of a sudden, the loud and aggressive horns, drums, bugles, bagpipes and carnyxes started blaring again. I decided to use a tactic I learned in watching "Get Smart" rerun episodes as a teenager.

"Madam!! You don't really think we'd be stupid enough to come here alone, do ya? In a very short while, hundreds of crack paratroopers will come crashing onto this property and destroy your fruity frozen yogurt and cheese-gated fortress!!!"

A massive jet of buttermilk soon followed.

"Would you believe Sylvester Stallone and four of his mercenary buddies?"

Cue in the onslaught of eggs.

"How about Tarzan and a couple of his apes?"

More buttermilk and eggs.

"Bomba the Jungle boy?"

I was now in a war zone...jets of buttermilk spraying all over...she had one of those Acme Corporation catapults, like the one Wile E Coyote used to have, shooting bars of cream cheese every five seconds...the cats and mice were throwing globs of Dulce de leche in all directions.

I looked behind and saw BigM and HillBilly already 2 blocks away, running in fear. It was now or never!!! Do I run away, or do I go after my "Wildly Delicious Brie Baker", which I vehemently stress, is part of their Petite Maison line!!!

I waited for the right moment...I figured that there would come a point where the crazy lady would have to re-load her Acme Corporation catapult with cream cheese bars, and would have to put down her buttermilk-spraying hose to do so.

As I stood and waited, still dodging the globs of Dulce de leche, and munching on a few sticks of "Marbled Cheese Strings", the catapult stopped, and the crazy lady put down her hose. It was go time!!!! I yelled "Tora Tora Tora" and raced towards the Brie Baker. The onslaught of globs of Dulce de leche grew more intense, soon accompanied by clouds of powdered milk thrown by another Acme Corporation thingamajig!!! I knew that my only chance was to get to my Brie Baker before the catapult was reloaded and the crazy lady had the opportunity to get her hose active again.

I was doing great...I was flying across the battlefield, with globs of Dulce de leche and egg yolk all over me, a layer of milk powder from head to toe...but I hadn't factored in one key obstacle in my master plan...SLIPPAGE!!!!

The battlefield was now slicker than ever...it had become a mixture of snow, ice, buttermilk, egg yolk, mashed marbled cheese strings, cream cheese, Duche de leche, whipped cream and powdered milk and there was no way to go but wherever the slippery trail would take me.

Soon enough, I was plowing head first, on my stomach, through the battlefield. I had flashbacks of sliding on my Wham-O Slip N Slide carpet, but instead of having a nice grassy landing waiting for me, I ended up head first in a purple-pink-yellow fruity yogurt wall. I was plastered with globs of Duche de leche and cheese strings, smothered with a mixture of buttermilk and everything else I could pick up along the way, a two liter Chapman's frozen yogurt tub on top of my head, and a piflicated crazy lady still spraying me with buttermilk screaming ""NO SURRENDER, NO SURRENDER, THESE ARE DAIRY'S WALLS, AND I STAND EMBATTLED TO DEFEND HER!!!".

As stubborn as I am, I had to resign to the fact that I had lost the battle. I pried myself out of the fruity yogurt wall and crawled through the cheese gate fortress entrance. As I crawled away, through the battlefield, without my "Wildly Delicious Brie Baker", with jet streams of buttermilk and bars of cream cheese still bombarding me, I realized something, don't mess with piflicated ladies, especially ones who won't stop for nothing in defending and protecting what they feel is rightfully theirs.

A HillBilly New Year's Eve.

2011-12-30T11:35:00.000-08:00

2012 is fast approaching. BigM, HillBilly and I are trying to figure out our plans for New Year's Eve.

Last year was one to remember. I thought it would be a great idea to take up New Year's Eve traditional celebrations from around the world. It would be even funner combining various traditions into one. I had read that Mexicans try to secure their happiness in the New Year wearing colorful underwear. Those who want to find love wear red underwear, while others wear yellow if they're seeking luck in the coming year. In Denmark, people throw dishes on their friends’ doors on New Year’s Eve. This is to let them know that they have many friends.

It took a lot of convincing in HillBilly's case, but at the stroke of midnight, and after a few drinks, the three of us went running through the neighborhood in nothing but checkered red and yellow underwear, singing Auld Lang Syne and throwing dollar store plates and coffee mugs at people's doors. I don't think the three of us ever laughed so hard, at least until an angry neighborhood posse started chasing us. Apparently, there's no Mexicans or Danes living in our neighborhood.

That didn't beat the year we decided to celebrate New Year's Eve with HillBilly's family way out in the Appalachia mountains.

As some of you might know, I don't go into anything unprepared. To make sure I had all my bases covered, as in the habits and lifestyle of hillbilly life, I rented all 9 season episodes of "The Beverly Hillbillies" for BigM and I to watch. Needless to say, I was fixated with Elly May Clampett, Jed's mountain beauty of a daughter. She had me from "Well, come on, baby... let's rassle". I dreamt of being caught in her Clampett Clamp for years...I actually still do.

After soaking in all the info I needed from the episodes, and purchasing all the long johns, straw hats, plaid flannel shirts, and denim overalls, I could find, we were off to the Appalachias.

Once there, we were greeted by HillBilly's cousin, Elmo.

"Cletus Bob!!!! Gitcher self over here, I kain't remember the last time I seen ya"....to this day, HillBilly swears he'll "be all over me like a cheap suit" if I ever call him Cletus Bob, so I never have.

Elmo looked over at BigM and I and you could tell he wasn't too sure about us. I guess the sight of me in my full-body red long johns, straw hat with a plastic whistle hanging in the front, and scruffy boots, with a monkey wearing a plaid flannel shirt holding a sign saying "I took my siphon hose to "show and tell"", may have been strange looking...I know the stewardesses and passengers on the plane and at the airport thought so.

Hi Elmo, my name is Luc, and this is BigM. You mind if I tickle you Elmo? Elmo looked over at HillBilly..."That guy sure acts quair"...but as usual, I couldn't help myself, so I tickled him..."Lans-sake!!! I got a good notion to give ya the awfullest gun blast dreckly on that tater trap of yours, your face will be uglier than a mud fence!!!"...I guess HillBilly was right when he told me that his cousin Elmo was "tougher than a one-eard alley cat" and that I should watch what I say to him...other than that, I think we hit it off pretty good.

We all hopped in his truck and headed to meet the rest of the clan. The neighborhood was deep in the mountains and consisted of barns, shacks, cabins and lots littered with old trucks, abandoned buses and numerous cars up on blocks.

Elmo brought us into his cabin where he lived with his grandparents, a maiden aunt, his sister, a widowed uncle, his parents, 3 dogs and six children, 5 boys and 1 girl. His mother introduced them all..."Hidee, my name is Sarabelle, this is my husband Cyrus, my pappy Clem and my ma Clarabelle, my sister Betty Jo, my brother Earl, our kids Homer, Ike, Wilbur, Bo, Cal and Annabelle, and Elmo's sister Elly May...

(I know, I know, you had to see this coming right??)...Elmo's baby sister's name was Elly May, just like Fred Clampett's sweet mountain beauty of a daughter I had fallen for in years past. She was a vision of beauty, with her hoop earrings and dressed in a pretty red and white checkered shirt, tied in the front over her belly button, wearing very short shorts and high heels which exposed her amazing red ankle bracelets. Tugging at her pigtails, she said "Arncha the cutest thang??"...

Before you knew it, I was in the same "I'm cute, I'm cuuuuute Clarisse/Rudolph mode" I was in after that little elf Esmeralda-Cassiopeia Wolfeschlegelsteinhausen told me I was cute at the shopping mall's Santa workshop, where I ended up covered in empty gift boxes and a mountain of styrofoam snow... Here I was dodging shotgun blasts from Elmo and HillBilly, as I was jumping around the cabin screaming "I'm cute, I'm cuuuuute", knocking over the coffee table which was really a used telephone cable spool, stuffed possums flying all over the place and tearing grandmas homemade fur coat...by the time I was done, I was head first in grandpa's wood stove with 3 dogs ripping the legs off my red long johns, a frightened monkey trying to pull a plastic whistle out of my ass and two angry Hillbillies bashing me with their shotguns.

I got up, looked at Elly May and said "My my, you're purty as a speckled pup"...which got me another twelve extra shotgun bashes over the head from her brother Elmo...as Elly May walked away smiling, she said "I shore hope you'll be at the New Year's Eve shindig tonight" and headed out the door.

...of course, you do remember this is a New Year's Eve story right? It's not like me to go off on a rambling tangent and deviate from a story line.

Later, I put on my good overalls and my checkered plaid shirt, hoping to impress Elly May. We had a huge supper before the party. Even the dogs had a place setting at the dinner table.

Elly May sat across from me at the table, which made it extremely hard for me to concentrate on not making a fool of myself during dinner. "Hey handsome" she said..."I kain't wait for tonight's hoe-down, yall daints with me wontcha?" as she batted her pretty green eyes at me...all of a sudden, I was singing an old Andy Griggs country song:

"I like blue eyes, hers are green

Not like the woman of my dreams

She's not the girl I pictured at all

In those paint by number fantasies I've had

So it took me by complete surprise

When my heart got lost in those deep green eyes

She's not at all what I was looking for

She's more"

Elly May was mine now, I knew it and I felt it, my beautiful song had captivated her, she said I sounded and reminded her of a cross between Elvis Presley and Cactus Slim The Lonesome Serenader ...it didn't matter that everyone around us was eating every last bit of the fish, fried possum, collard greens, turnips, peas, beans and cornbread...we were in love and nothing else mattered.

Later that night, we all showed up at the "Pickin and Singin" barn, and we were in for a treat. The dance was to be hosted by Billy (The Squeakin' Deacon) Blanchard, with music provided by Milton (Tiny) Simpkins.

The music was great. Milton had us hopping to classics from Elvis, Randy and the Pahlem Valley Boys, as well as the memorable hits from Curley Rash and His South Texas Playboys.

Everything was perfect. I was in love, and nothing else mattered. I had even forgotten about my buddies BigM and HillBilly. (Actually, I forgot about them at some point while writing this story, but it's too much trouble now to go back and work them in, I'll make sure they get mentioned before I'm done).

Elly May looked up at me and whispered "sumpin's on fire in me, and Iont thank I kain contain meself any longer...I kaint never could do nothin right...the last time I told sumone I loved him, he ran away like a scaled dog, faster than greased lightnin...

Now, as my mind started singing "well this car is automatic, it's systematic, it's hydromatic, why it's greased lightnin!! Go, greased lightnin', you're burnin' up the quarter mile, greased lightnin', go greased lightnin!!", and before I could proclaim my undying love for Elly May, some huge mountain of a dude grabbed me from behind and spun me around...he had to be at least ten feet tall, and believe it or not, his name was Jethro.

"Fer your infamation, Elly May is ma girl, and I aints gonna lose her to no clone-warin furner whoms no bigger than a 'tater bug!!!"..."and I'm fixin to make yo life Doodley-squat in the next minnit or two...so you stain or leavin, cawse dis ugly Amerikin home boy is gonna daints all over yore face an make you wonder wat you usta weigh with your teeth still in yore tater trap!!!"

I think I understand what Elly May meant when she said the last time she told someone she loved him, he ran away like a scaled dog, faster than greased lightnin....I grabbed BigM and HillBilly (you see, I told you I'd work them back in the story), looked at Elly May and Jethro, and said "Shucky dern!!! look at the time, it's purt nigh time to go!!! I aint known to be a guy with much a grain a sense, or as my friend HillBilly would say "his cornbread ain't done", but I thank I best be on my way, like maybe Oer yonner, wayyyy Oer yonner...as Toe-sayin' goes "when the going gets tough, the clone-warin furner Canadian gets the hell outta Dodge!!!!

Give my regards to Jed, Granny, and the rest of the Clampetts and Bodines.

As I ran away, crazier than a run over dog, with BigM and HillBilly under my arms, I swear I could hear Elly May and Jethro singing in the distance...

"Well now it's time to say goodbye to Luc and all his kin

They would like to thank you folks for kindly dropping in

You're all invited back again to this locality

To have a heaping helping of their hospitality

(Canadian Hillbillies, that's what they call 'em now,

Nice folks Y'all come back now, ya hear?)"

Looking For Love.

2011-12-04T10:55:00.000-08:00

Funny how hard it is to find someone to go out with you, just on a date and maybe get to know each other over time and see where it can lead. It can get pretty frustrating sometimes.

I consider myself a slightly above average guy, putting a lot of emphasis on the word slightly, with so much to offer. I'm fairly cute, depending on your definition of the word cute, a pretty nice guy, with a slightly off-centered sense of humor, and am comfortable enough financially.

I was talking with my two favorite buddies, BigM and Hillbilly, about my love situation and they were just as perplexed as I am.

BigM, for anyone who doesn't know, is my all time best bud. He's been by my side since I was a little boy. That little monkey is actually cool because he can hold his plastic banana all on his own, and hasn't let go of it for more than 40 years now... I guess you can say he's pretty much attached to it.

Hillbilly is also a special friend, a little hot-tempered and sometimes hard to please, but still an important part of my life.

BigM is just as confused as I am on why I haven't been able to have a meaningful relationship lately, because he think I'm a slightly above average guy as well, again with emphasis on the word "slightly".

He recalls one time when the three of us went to see Santa Claus at the mall, to give him our Christmas wish list and get our annual picture with Santa.
BigM and I were like two little kids, BigM sitting on my head, as I'm skipping and hopping through the mall singing "Put One Foot in Front of the Other", and "I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas", no crocodiles, no rhinoceroses...I only like hippopotamuses, and hippopotamuses like me too.

It must have been a strange site to others, especially with Hillbilly chasing and screaming "Shut yur Tater Traps!!! Ya'll better keep runnin cawse I brung my gun, and whens I catcha, I aim to shootcha both and take ya'll dreckly to the crik out bak!!!!"....like I said, Hillbilly is a little hot-tempered, a little rough around the edges.

We eventually got to Santa's Castle. BigM and I didn't care that the lineup was extremely long because we knew Santa was in our horizons. Hillbilly wasn't so pleased. "I don't like this vaymuch"...pretty calm response for Hillbilly actually.

Forty five minutes later, during which BigM and I had to pry Hillbilly off a little boy who kept tugging at his beard and explaining to the mall cop that Hillbilly was just kidding when he told the boys mother "Lans-sake!!! diduhnit occur to ya fer a minnit that yontto git yer little varmint of my face cawse I kain't take it, and I've got a mind to chunk the little rugrat oer yonner in dat purty little saspool yuz call a water foutain!!!, we were finally near the front of the line.

BigM and I were sooo excited...we could actually see Santa and could barely contain ourselves. Before we got four words into "Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer", Hillbilly was nipping at my heels, well actually kicking and bashing them with his shotgun, so we had to stop.

Through his anger, I could also sense that Hillbilly seemed nervous, maybe like he was a little scared of something. It reminded me of the look he had that one time when BigM and I threatened to take away his styrofoam cooler and siphon hose, unless he covered up his girlfriend's name that he sprayed on an overpass.

I asked Hillbilly "are you ok bud?" He didn't reply, but I could see he was nervously staring at Santa. "What's wrong Hillbilly?" You don't like Santa or something?" "I ain't skeered, I don't know why you brung me here, that's all...ok, maybe I'm a bit skeered...I think I'm claus trophobic or sumpin...I don't trust him, I thank he's crookeder than a dawg's hind leg, and ugly as a mud fence." "Claus trophobic?? ok Hillbilly, you can just watch BigM and I sit on Santa if that makes you feel better.

Finally, it was our turn. The three of us walked towards Santa's throne, Hillbilly peeking around me while BigM hopped frantically on my shoulders. BigM and I walked up to Santa and sat on his lap while Hillbilly stood off to the side hesitantly.

"Have you both been good little boys this year", Santa said. We both said yes, but I knew it wasn't actually true in my case, but I can't get into that right now because it'll take too long and I don't want to deviate from the fact that this story is about my being able to find someone to go out on a date with me, you do remember that this is what this story is about right? I'm getting there, I promise.

Anyways, we both gave our Christmas gift wishes, mine being "Golden Girls action figures, Baby Blinkins (I just love when you squeeze them, their wings light up and glow in rainbow colors)" and "The Wild Puffalumps" because I thought their Aloha Shirts were cool.

We both kissed Santa and took our picture with him. Hillbilly was off to the side, seemingly flirting with one of Santa's elves. "My my!! yur as purty as a speckled pup arncha?"I grabbed BigM and hurried over to intervene and apologize. As I got closer, I could see that this wasn't your ordinary elf. When our eyes met, I had that same feeling as I had when I first saw Neytiri from the Avatar movie.

The pretty elf looked at me and said "hello". "I see you Neytiri, I see you" was all I could say. "I'm sorry, I meant hello, and I apologize for my friend Hillbilly's actions." That's ok, I think he's cute, just like you :)...I suddenly started jumping up and down like Rudolph did after Clarice told him he was cute..."I'm cute!!! I'm cuuuuuute" is all I kept screaming as I was hopping over and through the fake wrapped gift boxes laying all over the place, finally ending up on my rear end under Santa's Christmas tree, all covered by a mound of fake styrofoam snow.

The cute elf came and helped BigM and Hillbilly get me out from under the rubble, before the mall cop even got a whiff of what was going on.

I offered to buy her something to eat for her lunch (luckily for me this so happened to be her lunch break, good timing I guess), and much to my surprise, she accepted my invitation after all that commotion.

"My name is Esmeralda-Cassiopeia Wolfeschlegelsteinhausen" she said with her angelic soft voice. "Nice to meet you Esmeralda-Cassiopeia, my name is Luc, but my friends call me coco, some call me cueball, stupid dumbass bitch on a few occasions. You can call me anything you want really, just don't call me late for dinner"...

I know, I know, it's a corny line, and probably wasn't necessary since she was already willing to talk to me, even after the Rudolph being cute incident, but I couldn't help it. Much to my surprise though, she smiled and said I was cute again. Fortunately, I didn't start jumping around again screaming "I'm cute!! I'm cuuuuute, probably because Hillbilly had already tackled me to the ground telling Esmeralda-Cassiopeia "he's a sandwich shy of a picnic, but he means well".

The four of us walked over to the food court. Esmeralda-Cassiopeia and I had a Subway sandwich and a Fruitopia Orange Undercurrent. I debated between the Orange Undercurrent and the Cherry Vanilla Groove, but finally settled on the Orange. We both seemed in a trance, gazing into each others eyes, oblivious to everything around us, not even noticing Hillbilly fighting with the Sushi counter server. "Watcha mean you don't know what Beef Jerky and Moon Pies are? you got any possum? unbeknownst to ya, thems good vittles!!!" BigM was at MacIntosh and Watts looking at commemorative plates...to this day, I still can't figure out why.

We had a great time, both hanging on every word each had to say. I truly thought that Esmeralda-Cassiopeia Wolfeschlegelsteinhausen actually liked me, and I knew she did.

Her lunch hour was almost over, so I asked her if I could see her again. BigM and Hillbilly were back and were holding their breath waiting for her reply. She said she would absolutely love to see me again. "Maybe you can pick me up Friday, here's my address and phone number."

I thought, this is great. This beautiful elf, Esmeralda-Cassiopeia Wolfeschlegelsteinhausen, thinks I'm cute, doesn't mind that I go around in public with a furry little monkey holding a banana, and a crusty old redneck Hillbilly who hates the world, and still wants to see me again.

"Friday sounds great Esmeralda-Cassiopeia. Do you know which bus number goes by your house? I know I can catch either the #12 or #124 to the mall, but I'm not sure which bus I need to transfer on to get to your house. It doesn't have to get me right at you place...any bus that goes within a few blocks or so would be great. I'll make sure I get an extra few sheets of bus tickets in case we decide to do dinner and a movie, in case both aren't close by. If we try and eat fast enough at dinner, we'll be able to use out bus transfers to get to the movies and not waste more tickets. I'll check the Website for the bus schedule."

Funny, but all of a sudden, I didn't feel so cuuuuute anymore. I suddenly felt like Rudolph and his misfit friends Hermey and Yukon Cornelius...BigM looked at me and said "Hey Rudolph, what do you say we both be independent together, huh? You wouldn't mind my red nose,? Not if you don't mind me being a dentist. It's a deal!!!" Hillbilly chimed in "This fog's as thick as peanut butter!" "You mean pea soup." BigM replied. "You eat what you like, and I'll eat what I like!"

As I watched Esmeralda-Cassiopeia Wolfeschlegelsteinhausen walk away in her pretty little green elf costume, after flipping me the bird, I realized something...

No matter how slightly cuuuute a guy can be, and I put a lot of emphasis on slightly, or how nice a personality he might have, or how good he is in the kitchen (I actually made scrambled eggs for the first time in my life last week, and apparently they were great), a woman will be colder than a welldigger's behind towards you, as my friend Hillbilly would say, if you offer to pick her up for a date via public transportation.

Who Knew?

2011-11-30T19:39:00.000-08:00

As some of you know, I've spent the last year shedding off the pounds, not only for health reasons, but also for the fact that my infatuation for Neytiri, the giant smurfette-like goddess in "Avatar", isn't quite going in the direction I was hoping for, as in I may actually never meet her, and it's possible that I'm actually letting wonderful and exciting women pass me by in the process. I find it hard to believe, 2 years later, that Neytiri and I haven't crossed paths, especially for the fact that every time I went to see her at the theater, she always told me that she sees me, and I would always say it to her, even to this day..."I see you, I see you Neytiri". So I guess it's time to move on and hopefully meet someone special. Hopefully the weight loss and the fact I've finally let go of the notion that Neytiri is the only one for me, will help me change my "single" Facebook status.

The weight loss journey had it's up and downs, literally, with 90 pounds lost before this past summer, then gaining 30 pounds of it over the summer, and now losing that 30 pounds and as of now, losing another 10. So if my math is correct, the journey so far has netted me a total loss of...well it's a lot anyways....and I'm planning on losing a good 20 more, all with exercising and eating the right foods.

Which brings me to a question a lot of people have been asking me of late, well on top of questions about my sanity, but that's for another time and place.

What people are asking me is how the heck have I been able to lose so much weight, and willing and probably able to lose more?

Here is a list of things I realized I was doing wrong and corrected accordingly:

1- Online poker isn't a physical sport - spending 8 hours a day suffering bad beat after bad beat after bad beat after...and freaking out on other players calling them donkeys among other things, doesn't burn calories like a good jog or a walk would do ~Who Knew?~

2- Poutine isn't a healthy food choice - I know, I know, it's hard to believe, especially when momma always told me that vegetables are good for you, and the last time I checked, potatoes are a vegetable...little did I know that potatoes had more calories than broccoli or cucumbers...and I guess if you factor in the calories from the oil you fry the chips in, the cheese curds, the gravy, and the accompanying Pepsi and couple of Joe-Louis on the side, it may tend to be a little much calorie-wise ~Who Knew?~

3- An exercise bike isn't just for hanging clothes - odd but true...the backrest actually isn't for your shirts and pants, nor are the pedals for hanging your socks and underwear, the seat isn't a platform to pile your dirty laundry on ~Who Knew?~

4- A box of Hamburger Helper makes a meal for 4 people...what a revelation!!! I really think they should make that fact a little clearer on the box, maybe devote one side of the box, THE WHOLE SIDE, maybe write "IF YOU CAN'T FIT THE MEAL IN A BOWL, IT MAY BE A SIGN THAT YOU SHOULD SHARE WITH OTHERS" or something to that effect...again ~Who Knew?~

5- A skillet is not considered a plate or a bowl...see #4 ~Who Knew?~

6- Tupperware-like containers actually aren't bowls for chips, peanuts, chocolate covered almond, butterscotch pudding, popcorn swimming in butter, jujubes or anything else you want in big quantities so you don't have to get up off the couch and go get more...they can actually be used to keep leftovers, like maybe 3 servings of Hamburger Helper (see #4 again), the same for Tuna Helper, maybe half a turkey and potato pie, 3 quarters of a lasagna meant for 4 people...~Who Knew?~

* Funny how a lot revolves around #4.

7- Watching sports on TV isn't the same as participating in them...mass clicking the remote from one game to another to avoid commercials or Montreal Canadien fans cheering a goal, no matter how fast you do it, doesn't burn too many calories...nor does switching positions on the couch from sitting to lying down...reaching in and out of your tupperware bowl for chips, peanuts, chocolate covered almond, butterscotch pudding, popcorn swimming in butter or jujubes, doesn't count as exercise either...again ~Who Knew?~

* On a side note, did you ever notice that near the upper side of a Hamburger or Tuna Helper box, they have this " Press and tear back top" tab, that you're supposed to push your finger through in order to be able to tear the top of the box off? Do you actually know how impossible it is to actually push your finger through that tab? it's impossible ok? I've never been able to do it and I will never try again!!!!

8- Vegetables are a better side dish option than bread...I always thought it was natural to dip a couple, ok maybe six, slices of bread in a skillet, I mean bowl, of Hamburger Helper...cucumbers and carrots just don't soak up the saucy juices like bread does...unfortunately, the stupid calorie-count factor comes in again...~Who Knew?~

9- Beer makes you gain weight...hard to believe since you seem to relieve yourself of it more than you actually drink, but apparently it's true...~Who Knew?~

10- A vegetable steamer?? Is that what that is? Did you ever try cleaning one of those suckers after warming up a batch of gravy for your poutine...~Who Knew?~

11- Topping off a fast food order with a diet pop doesn't make it much better...a 10 piece bucket of KFC fried chicken, fries, and a tub of macaroni salad, oh and don't forget the gravy, can't do without the gravy, won't be a less fattening meal if you have a diet Pepsi as opposed to a regular one...same goes for a medium pizza with a side of deep fried zuchini and garlic dip...not even with an order of Chinese food consisting of 6 egg rolls, sweet and sour chicken balls, sweet and sour breaded shrimp, garlic spare ribs, General Tsao chicken and mushroom egg foo young...~who Knew?~

This is how I've been able to lose the weight I have so far, and will lose more in the coming months.

I've also just realized that my life revolved a lot around Hamburger Helper...~Who Knew?~

Lunch.

2011-11-12T18:45:00.000-08:00

Today was a good day. I went for a walk then decided to spend some time at St-Laurent Shopping Centre, not to shop, but just to walk around, although I did end up buying a cheap bath mat shaped like a foot, at the dollar store :)

I spent some time at the food court, enjoying my Ham Subway Sub and witnessed something that was at the same time heartwarming, then turned into something quite a bit less.

The heartwarming part of my story began when I noticed this cute older couple, making their way past the food court. The gentleman was pushing his wife on her wheelchair, even though it looked like he could have used a bit of help doing so as you could see that he was struggling. I watched them make their way past one food kiosk to the next, the man struggling but determined to keep going. It was an amazing sight for me to see. I felt bad because I could see it wasn't an easy task for him to do, but at the same time, I thought "WOW", this guy really loves her to make the time, and the obviously painstaking effort to take his woman out to lunch and enjoy an afternoon with her when they could have easily stayed at home for a quiet day. Eventually, I lost sight of them and continued eating my sub.

A good 15 minutes later, I saw them again, taking the same path one kiosk to the next...I then realized that they had gone all around the food court looking for a table to sit and eat at, as it was lunch hour and the food court was packed. A table for two cleared up as they were passing it by, about 3 tables from where I was sitting, and I thought, this is great, or else I was getting ready to get up and give them my table for two, even though I was still in the middle of my lunch.

What happened next made the story less heartwarming. As the couple was maybe 5 feet from the table, slowly walking towards it, 2 guys, probably in their early 20s, big strong healthy guys, rushed in and laid claim to the spot.

Now, anyone who knows me knows that I was just cringing inside, not mad at the guys, but just feeling so bad about the situation. As the guys stood in front of the chairs, unloading their backpacks, the lady kindly asked them "are you boys sitting here?" For a second, I thought, thank goodness, these guys probably didn't see the couple as they were walking towards the table, and will offer them the seats. My cringe became more intense when one of the guys replied "yes we are" and sat down.

At that moment, I think my heart sank way down to my toes. I couldn't believe what I had just witnessed. I mean, this couple wasn't asking them if they were going to sit there just out of curiosity, it was there nice and polite way of asking if they could sit here because they were tired and needed to sit down.

The nice couple didn't say anything, they just turned around and started walking away, obviously to try and find another table.

What troubled me the most about this is that the 2 guys seemed like your typical, average guys who looked and seemed like respectful normal dudes, just at the mall chilling and not there to cause trouble or anything.

Obviously, well to me anyways, there was no way I was going to let this couple walk away looking for another table.

I waved at them and told them to come and take my table, even though I was still enjoying my lunch. They didn't want to take the table, and you could see that they felt bad, but they walked over and accepted. I pushed one of the chairs away so she could park her wheelchair while the man took my seat, he looked so exhausted. They thanked me.

As I was rounding up my things and putting my jacket on, the lady asked her husband if he could get her a sub at Subway, and he replied "let me just catch my breath sweetheart, and I'll get us some". Again, I felt so bad and offered to get the food for them. They didn't want me too, but I insisted. I told them, if you don't tell me what you want, I might come back with subs you don't like, so you better tell me what kind of subs that you want lol. Reluctantly, they told me a full Assorted Sub that they would share and a small white milk each.

When I came back, they were so appreciative and already had the money out on the table for me. I told them not to worry about the money. The man shook my hand while the lady told me that I had a gentle heart. I told them to enjoy there lunch and that it was nice meeting them.

Now, don't get me wrong here, I'm not writing this to toot my own horn, because I know that everyone related to me family-wise as well as my friends, would have done the same, and more people of course.

It just gives me another example at how society is changing, as in respecting and caring for others, whether you actually know them or not. I'm not saying that those 2 guys are bad people, they probably didn't even realize what they had done, which is what I'm getting at...it should just have come naturally to them to get up and offer that couple their table, people should just be able to care and love others without having to think about it, it should just happen.

The whole incident also showed me something about true love. That cute couple has probably been together their whole life, and that man was taking his wife out for lunch, pushing her around in her wheelchair in a shopping mall even though it was an extreme physical effort for him to do so, probably because it makes her happy to be out and about amongst other people.

So lunch was interesting for me today. It reinforced my beliefs on what true love is all about, my beliefs on naturally caring about others and my belief that I LOVVVVE Subway subs :)

PotLuc. (Luc is my name :))

2010-01-14T20:31:00.000-08:00

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Here's some ideas for the PotLuc lunch...

1. Lucstickers or dumplings – In a non-stick pan, put a little bit of oil (actually, maybe a lot of oil so his ass doesn't stick to the pan). When the oil is hot put in the lucstickers flat side down (if you can find a flat side to luc). Then add water just enough to cover about a quarter of the lucstickers’ height or at least to cover his ass and half of his belly. When all the water is absorbed, he'll look like a cross between the Micheline man and an oversized version of Mr. Clean with water dripping out of his ears and his bottom will start to brown. Continue cooking until it’s golden brown (or until Luc screams "MY ASS IS WAY PAST GOLDEN DAMMIT, TAKE ME OUT!!!). Arrange on a platter and put a dipping sauce on the center .

2. Luc rolls- If you are in a hurry you can buy frozen Luc rolls, and then just bake them in the oven. Costco has big packs of Luc rolls and they come with the dipping sauce too.

3. Bacon wrapped Lucs – Wrap each Luc with half a strip of bacon (maybe a little extra bacon if you want to wrap more than his pinky finger). Secure with a toothpick, or maybe a sawed-off hockey stick. Broil until golden brown or until he screams again.

4. Devilled Lucs – Slice the boiled Lucs lengthwise. You can also slice them “zig zag” so they look nicer, or maybe in every direction possible to make him suffer even more dammit!!!. Very carefully take out the guts, as he might feel a little discomfort and bite your hand off, and put them in a separate bowl. Mash the guts and add mayonnaise (or Miracle Whip), salt and pepper. Mix them well. Spoon the filling into the Luc white halves. You can arrange these devilled Lucs on a platter lined with lettuce leaves so they do not slip or move, but believe me, the only slipping Luc will be doing is slipping into a coma and he ain't moving. Cover with plastic saran wrap until serving time.

5. Caesar Luc – Chop fresh Luc. Wash Luc, and use Luc spinner to spin him dry. Arrange in a bowl and top with chopped cucumber, tomatoes, sliced boiled eggs, shredded cheese and croutons. Drizzle with salad dressing just before serving.

6. Pasta Luc – Cook Luc and rinse with cold water. Drain well as not to drown him in the bowl. Add small cubed pieces of cheese, zucchini, olives and cherry tomatoes. Add desired dressing just before serving.

7. Luc tray – You can buy Luc trays ready made so you do not have to do any preparation. You can bring a dip to go with the Luc tray.

8. Luc dip – Buy a pack of frozen Lucs and let thaw completely. Take as much water out as possible by pressing Luc into a very large colander or sticking a large pin in him for quick drainage. Word of caution: if using the pin method, stand clear as Luc may do one of two things...1) explode like a giant water balloon hitting the pavement after a 10-story drop from a building or 2) start spraying all over the place like a kid's summer water sprinkling toy name Ollie the Octopus because you probably made the puncture too small for the amount of water needed to get out of Luc, which would naturally create hundreds of punctures all over him. In a separate bowl, mix 1 cup mayonnaise and 1 cup sour cream. Add a packet of soup mix. Mix all together, then transfer to a nice bowl or a barrel. Serve with sliced vegetable sticks like celery, red and green pepper and carrots. To make it extra fancier you can serve this Luc dip on a hollowed out center of sourdough bread. Sprinkle with paprika. Serve with cubed bread if desired.

9. Spaghetti with Lucballs – Cook the spaghetti. Rinse and drain well. Saute chopped onions then add frozen Lucballs. Add pasta sauce or tomato sauce, water, salt, black pepper, basil and oregano spices. Simmer until Lucballs are soft, and maybe massage them a little to keep him interested. Mix with the drained spaghetti and top with shredded cheddar cheese and parmesan cheese.

10. Shrimp and grape tomato Lucs – Soak the Lucs in hot water for about 20 minutes or until he screams "I AM NOT AN ANIMAL, I AM A HUMAN BEING!!!". In a small bowl mix together crushed garlic, lemon juice, olive oil, freshly chopped dill (or dried), salt and pepper. Coat the shrimps with this mixture. Then thread the shrimp and tomatoes alternately on the Luc. Grill until the shrimps are done or until Lucs ass is about to discolour!!!.

11. Luc rolled in flour tortillas – In a small bowl mix mayonnaise or Miracle Whip and shredded cheese. Next take a flour tortilla and top it with a slice of Luc. Spread the mixture over Luc. Then roll it up, and slice into bite size pieces. Secure with or a sawed-off hockey stick.

12. Luc salad on crackers – In a bowl mix Luc, finely chopped tomatoes, Miracle Whip or mayonnaise (or salad dressing), and season with salt and pepper. If you want some greens on it you can add herbs like chopped cilantro or dill. Mix well. Serve on crackers.

13. Luc salad – Boil Luc, then peel and slice him into cubes. We're not sure which of the three steps Luc hates the most, so you might want to use extreme caution during all three. During the boiling process, you might want to put a lid on the pot to muffle the excess screaming. During the peeling stage, you may want him to bite down on a stick and sing him some Miley Cyrus songs to distract him. By the slicing into cubes stage, he'll either be dead or completely be beside himself to be of any danger. Add chopped hard-boiled Lucs, chopped celery, salt, dijon mustard, and mayonnaise or salad dressing. Toss well. Chill before serving.

14. Luc – People love plain Luc! Slice him into chunks or triangles and arrange him on a platter.

15. Baked Luc – This is a time saver for potlucks too. Buy a frozen Luc and bake him. Spinach Luc is a good choice too since it’s healthier than all meat.

16. Luc pate – You can buy a ready to eat canned (actually barreled) Luc pate, or you can also improvise your own which is just as delicious. Mix canned Luc, cream cheese, a squeeze of lemon, season with salt and pepper. You can also add herbs like chopped parsley, cilantro or dill. Cover with plastic wrap and chill before serving. Serve with crackers.

17. Baked Luc nuggets – Put Luc in a bowl, and drizzle olive oil to lightly coat him. Season with coarse salt and pepper. Bake until done or until he screams. It’s simple and delicious!

18. Mini Lucs – Make several Luc fillings and spread on Luc. You can trim off Luc if you prefer but it might take a while for the trimming cause he's not good with diets. Slice into triangles. Stick colorful toothpicks. If the slicing into triangles doesn't kill him, you might hear screaming during the sticking of toothpicks process. Suggested Luc fillings: (1) Egg Salad. (2) Chicken salad . (3) Tuna salad – mix drained tuna with chopped celery and mayonnaise or salad dressing. Season with salt and black pepper. Mix well. Arrange the mini Lucs on a platter. Miniature Lucs are great potluck ideas because most people like small serving sizes. You may need a few extra hours to actually turn Luc into small serving sizes

Coco Mills Cereal

2007-08-03T04:39:00.000-07:00

Kidney Stones - Oh the Pain!!!

2007-04-13T16:26:00.000-07:00

IF YOU ARE READING THIS POST FIRST, GET OUT!!! JUST KIDDING...SOMETIMES, MY BLOGS KINDA FOLLOW EACH OTHER STORYLINE-WISE SO IT WOULD BE BETTER IF YOU READ THEM FROM THE ONES AT THE BOTTOM OF THE PAGE AND WORKING YOUR WAY UP AKA OLDEST TO MOST RECENT UNLESS OF COURSE YOU'VE READ THE OTHER ONES ALREADY.

OK, by now, you all think my life is centered around doctors and a little monkey carrying a Plaidbanana. Well you're right!!!

About 4 years ago, I had the worst and most painful experience of my life.
It started in bed in the middle of the night. At that time, I was living with my now ex-fiancee, let's call her Bubba. Bubba was sleeping on the couch that night while BigM was nestled up against me.

You see, Bubba slept on the couch whenever BigM found his way in our bed. I think it stems back to when Bubba and I first met. The three of us were asleep one night as I was suddenly awakened by what I could only describe as an episode from the jungle of hell!!! Mixed in among the sounds of what seemed like a thousand angry bongos and a stampede of frightened elephants, lions and zebras, were screams that I could only relate to the last time I watched my pirated copy of "Barnyard Fun". I jumped out of bed and crawled towards my cherished smaller scale replica of Pee Wee's Playhouse to take refuge. "Save Yourselves" I screamed back at BigM and Bubba as I closed the plastic door behind me. I could swear hearing what sounded like enraged carnal wailing from Tarzan or Jane through frightening monkey screams as if it were being passed through a meat grinder.

As I lay behind Chairry with Jambi and Cowboy Curtis yelling "Whoo-weee", I looked up at Mr. Window..."Do you see anything?" But he didn't answer.
Three hours later, the sounds had stopped. With flashlight in hand, I slowly crawled to the plastic door, and as soon as I said "I think the coast is clear", everyone screamed ""AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You said the magic word!!!" Darn, apparently, the magic word of the night was coast. The "AAAAHHHHHS" sent the sorriest looking animal I had ever seen zooming into the Playhouse. It sort of looked like BigM but with patches of fur missing throughout his body. His Plaidbanana was all mangled and twisted. "Are you OK buddy???" But the shaken and frightened BigM just buried himself in Chaiiry's arms.

I slowly made my way out of the Playhouse and crawled towards the bed, softly calling out for Bubba to see where she had taken refuge herself. When I peaked into the bed, I saw what seemed like Bubba sitting up and smoking a cigarette with patches of fur all over the place. She looked at me and said "Rawwwr!!! what a man!!!" and went down to the kitchen for a drink. I quickly picked up as much of the fur I could get, threw it in the Playhouse, and jumped in under the covers. I couldn't bring myself to tell her that she had spent over 3 hours with BigM. Since that night, BigM refused to sleep in our bed whenever Bubba chose to come upstairs.

Anyways, as I was saying, my most painful experience happened around 4 years ago with BigM nestled at my side. I was having the strangest dream. I was playing a NL Holdem poker sit-n-go with the Tinman, The Scarecrow, the Cowardly Lion and The Wizard of K9 . If the Wizard won the sit-n-go, we would all have a full house fall on our heads. BigM was riding around on Toto's back screaming "I'll get you my pretty" while chasing one of the evil witch's monkey guards. Zebediah was explaining to the Scarecrow how the Emus and Hyenas fought off the British in The Battle of Madagascar. The Cowardly Lion was hiding under the couch fearing the full house crashing down on him while Hillbilly was screaming "Arncha the awfullest coward of a lion?? You're courage is as scarce as hen's teeth!!!".The Wizard and the Tinman were down to Heads-up with the Wizard having the chip lead. After the river, the board showed 2-4-6-8-10 of hearts. The Tinman pushed all-in, bluffing to try and steal the pot. The Wizard looked at the Tinman straight in the eye, picking up on the Tinman's biggest tell and called the bet..."You don't have a heart Tinman, everyone knows that!!!" Of course he was right and the Wizard won the tournament. As we were bracing ourselves for our punishment, I woke up to incredible sharp pains in my lower abdomen...

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!" No, there was no magic word this time. I found myself screaming like an air-raid siren warning the town of incoming planes. If the country were under attack, our neighbourhood would already be hunkered down. I looked up and saw a frightened and crying BigM spinning round and round on the ceiling fan. I slowly got up and made my way to the washroom. The next thing I knew, I was on my knees in front of the toilet trying to figure out how much I would weigh minus my tongue, my lungs, my heart, and my intestines.

When Bubba hysterically ran into the washroom, she was shocked to see a big bald baby beluga head first in the toilet, a hysterical BigM jumping up and down on the toilet flushing handle screaming "I can't keep this up much longer, save yourselves" and HillBilly tugging at my grey sweatpants screaming "Lans-sake, this old dawg aint gonna hunt no more if we don't put a stop to this!!!". So Bubba ran to the phone and called for the ambulance.
After shoving my vital organs back down my throat, I slowly made my way to the living room floor. As I lay on my back, I screamed over to HillBilly "when that frigging alien pops out of my stomach, I'll grab him and you shoot him between the eyes!!!" "If that doesn't work, just shoot me in the head!!!".

The ambulance crew stormed into the living room only to see Bubba and a monkey holding a Plaidbanana struggling to stop HillBilly from shooting me..."He's plumb tuckered out from howling like a banshee!! let me put him out of his misery".
"Stand back and give us room folks". "What seems to be the problem sir?" After I explained to the paramedics that they may need Sigourney Weaver for this one, they prepared a needle to presumably kill the alien chewing away at my abdomen. They poked at my arm, and they poked, and poked a little more. Then they moved to the other arm. "Hey guys, I know I may look like an over-sized Pillsburry dough boy, but no matter how often you poke me, I'm not gonna giggle for you!!!". "Sorry sir, you're a rather large man and we're having trouble finding an appropriate place to inject the pain killers". "Tell you what docs!!! I'll get my monkey and Bubba to roll me over. BigM can pull my grey sweatpants down to my ankles and you take that needle of yours and APPROPRIATELY STICK IT IN MY ASS!!! AND IF YOU DON'T THINK THAT'LL DO, STICK ANOTHER NEEDLE IN MY OTHER ASS CHEEK!!!" We're sorry sir, but the painkiller will take too long to take effect if we do that. We have to take you to the hospital."

By the time they were able to get the mini forklift into the house to get me on the stretcher, I had already gone through three showings of the bedroom scene in the exorcist, all three times turning my head on a swivel and chucking my Quaker Cinnamon and Apple Oatmeal on the preacher reading my last rights. "Try to lay still sir as we wheel you out to the ambulance because we'll have a hard time getting you back in, we've only rented the mini forklift for an hour". What???? That's like asking a pig, as he's about to get slaughtered by the farmer, to stop squealing "How could you do this to me after all we've been through!!! I knew something was up when you named me Kevin Bacon at birth!!!". Of course, I couldn't stop screaming and squirming which caused the frightening descent on my runaway stretcher as it crashed into the ambulance. "I guess you're glad I didn't tip over hey, you won't need the forklift after all!!!!".

All I remember about the ambulance ride is my pleading to the paramedic for that sacred painkiller needle while he kept passing over these over sized clear Glad Kitchen-Catcher plastic bags to satisfy my toilet-hugging needs. "You know doc, I bet if you had stuck that needle in my ass cheek when I first asked you too, I bet at least 1% of the pain would be gone by now. Just my luck I guess that I get sick during a hospital shortage of painkilling fluid. Or is it that you get off on hearing cow-like screams after they get their utters caught on a wire fence? "Be patient sir, we're pulling into the emergency lobby".

"Finally", I say to myself. As they wheel me to the emergency entrance, I can finally see hope in getting my painkiller. I ask the waiting nurse if she can please give me the needle to which she replies "let's get you to registration then we'll take care of your pains". They wheel me to a hall in emergency and park my stretcher against the wall. By now, I've been screaming in pain for over an hour, hungering for that elusive needle like a shipwrecked Frenchman hungering for just one more poutine-Pepsi-cigarette combo for $11.99 with an angelic Isabelle Mercier nestled in his arms.

For some reason, I find myself surrounded by the whole hospital staff of ambulance drivers and paramedics. One of them probably called all the vehicles back to the hospital "Hey you guys, drop what you're doing!!! you gotta come and see this guy!!!" What a sight it must have been...a big, bald and topless mountain of a man, a grey sweatpant away from being a male pole dancer at the end of his 3 minute feature, prancing around from paramedic to ambulance driver looking for anyone who may have strong beliefs in euthanasia. I see one guy enjoying his hot buttered popcorn and blue slushy drink, another loading his hot pretzel with Dijon mustard, BigM holding flashlight asking people to get their feet down from the seats in front of them and Bubba selling action figures to the upcoming sequel "Torturing The Fatman II."

Another hour later, I'm in a hospital bed and finally brought some painkillers. I'm in too much pain and too eager to wolf those damn pills down that I don't even bother asking why I didn't get those pills 2 hours ago on my living room floor. Slowly but surely, the pain dissipates to an acceptable discomfort. The nurse told me that I was passing kidney stones. I asked how long it would take for them to strangle and extract that 100 pound beast they call kidney stones from my stomach. "You can do it here and right now if you'd like. After the pain I just went through, I can endure anything that can be thrown at me. If I have to get rid of the alien childbirth-style, I will. I think Bubba and I will call him JohnBoy or LooBoy, cause when we bring him home, he's headed right down the toilet pipes to be adopted by the sewer rats!!!!!"

The nurse laughed. "There is no operation. You'll need to go home, rest and take these painkillers as directed to control the pains until the stones pass." She gave me what looked like a scoop up net thingy that you would use to remove an unfortunate goldfish from the fish tank after he somehow got stuck in the aquarium filter. "When you go to the washroom to urinate, make sure you use this to trap the passing stone and bring it back for analysis. It will more than likely be the size of a grain of sand or 2." A grain of sand or 2??? I've got a plastic sandbox in the backyard...I'll fill that up with what's inside of me and borrow that mini-forklift from your paramedics to bring the sample back for your analysis.

Of course, the passing stone was the size of a grain of sand. Wonders will never cease.

Befriending Zebediah Boulstridge.

2007-03-25T22:36:00.000-07:00

As lots of people know, I enjoy playing a good game of No Limit Texas Holdem.
I mostly play poker online, but occasionally play live tournaments as well.

Online Texas Holdem has become a regular activity in my life, actually more like a passion. Most of my evenings and nights are spent battling my friends and foes for Texas Holdem supremacy. With BigM and HillBilly by my side, I battle tooth and nail trying to put fear in my opponent's faces. BigM is the more calming influence when I play, while HB is more critical and judgemental.

Whenever I suffer a bad beat, and I'm about to explode in a fit of rage, BigM jumps on top of the computer and places his PlaidBanana against his ear. He then dances around and sings "Ring Ring Ring Ring Ring Ring Ring, Banana Phone...Ring Ring...". After a few seconds, I find myself dancing in front of the computer with BigM singing the banana phone song which eventually leads to BigM and I doing a little dirty dancing in the middle of the living room. I become Patrick Swayze (Johnny) and BigM is Jennifer Grey (Baby). I walk over to a cursing HillBilly and tell him "Nobody Puts Baby in a Corner!!!". We dance to (I've had) The Time of My Life and end it with BigM making that heart-stopping leap while I catch and lift him to the sky while striking the most amazing pose any man and his monkey can hold.

By then, I've completely forgotten about my bad beat although I've missed 8 or 9 hands but it's a heck lot better than tilting and losing all my chips on the next hand. I usually go back to the table with HillBilly bashing me on the head with his Skoal can and screaming stuff like "What in tarnation is going on here? I got a good notion to punch you in the Tater Trap!!! Arncha ever gonna learn? You're deftly a sandwich short of a picnic!! Now take hold of that mouse critter of yers and play some poker!". The tourney usually ends with me hanging around like a Dingle berry until my usual final table finish and HillBilly cursing at me for being too tight.

One day, BigM came swinging across the living room with what looked like some sort of a flyer. Watcha got their monkey? said HillBilly as he is mounting a gun rack on the side of the computer. "The next time you two daints around like little lightning bugs, I'm fixin to shootya both!!!" I took the flyer from BigM's hand. Hey guys, there's a Live Texas Holdem Tournament at the Scooby Shack in 2 weeks. Top prize is a seat at a Canadian Poker Tour event. "You're fixin' to go right?" said HillBilly. Don't know HB, I've never played in a Live tournament. I guess I can give it a shot.

A day went by, and we were all getting anxious. "Let's go to the mall" said BigM. Good idea, it'll take our minds of the tournament. As BigM and I walked past the food court, we ran into that British store clerk we met during our last Christmas Shopping fiasco, chowing down on a baked potato. "Hello mate" he said. "Hi Mouse", as I looked at his store name tag, how are you today? "Pretty good old chap, just eating my Jacket Potato before going home." You know Mouse, it's spring time, I think you can start eating t-shirt potatoes LOL. "Do you always act like a nutter or does it just come naturally mate?" Sorry Mouse, I have a hard time keeping my initial thoughts to myself. My doctor can't stand me either. "No worries mate, I actually find you quite amusing". Well thanks bud...you remember BigM right? "Oh yes, the monkey who likes to play with his rude bits". Actually, it's my Harryparatestes thank you!! replied BigM.

"So what are you shopping for today mate?" Actually, I'm getting ready for my first live Texas Holdem tournament. "Oh yes, I'm registered for that also, it will take place in a fortnight." Actually, it only lasts 1 night and it's in 2 weeks there Mouse. But hey, we can play a little heads-up sometime to get some practice, maybe share a few little pointers, what do you think Mouse? "Sure mate, I would fancy a little poker sometime soon." By the way, what is your real name Mouse? mine is Luc Cocopoutine. "Mine is Zebediah Boulstridge."

All of a sudden, there was a loud mixture of animal screeches and screaming women. Dogs, cats, rabbits, guinea pigs and gerbils were storming out of the pet shop and heading straight for us. It looked like a scene from The Lion King when those darn Buffaloes stormed through the valley of the Pridelands and stomped Simba's dad to death. My life was flashing before my eyes. I looked over at Zebediah and screamed "Run Forrest!!!". We instantly turned around and ran. We ran passed the record store, the pharmacy, the House of Poutine, my favourite sex toys shop, through the water fountain, and past the Travel Agency announcing reduced airfare to Atlanta Georgia to meet K9PokerDesser, voted by her peers as 2006's most seductive poker voice on the airwaves.

I looked ahead and saw that we were headed for a dead end. Zebediah screams "Blimey mate, we've hit a Cul-De-Sac." Zebediah and I literally had our backs to the wall and staring at a stampede of guinea pigs, gerbils, dogs, cats and rabbits who were now joined by ferrets, frogs, parrots and turtles bringing up the rear. BigM was leading the way, holding his Plaidbanana in one hand, a water rifle in the other, riding on top of a Bulldog and shouting "BEWARE THE BEAST MAN, FOR HE IS THE DEVIL'S PAWN. ALONE AMONG GOD'S PRIMATES, HE KILLS FOR SPORT OR LUST OR GREED"!!! Darn, I knew I shouldn't have let BigM watch Planet Of The Apes. He was out for revenge but I never saw it coming till now.

We were running out of time, but our luck turned for the best. We were beside a store specializing in jungle torches, mosquito repellent and fish net stockings. We each grabbed a lit torch from the display hangers and ran towards the stampede. Almost instantly, the animals turned around and started running in the other direction. What a sight, Zebediah and I, jungle torches in hand, chasing the wild beasts back towards the pet shop. We passed the Travel Agency, ran through the water fountain which almost put out our torches, the sex-toys shop which had a special on K9 Poker Tour mantyhoses, the House of Poutine, the pharmacy and the record store featuring The Violent Femmes greatest hits. The animals all ran back to the pet shop and in their cages with BigM hiding behind the Bulldog.

"That bloody Pillock monkey of yours is crazy mate!!!". I know Zebediah, he's one hell of a Moody monkey!!! As I went to grab BigM, the Bulldog growled. Easy now big boy, I just want to take BigM home OK? "Calm down Bully, he's my best friend" said BigM. "Sorry bro, I thought you were one of those humans ready to give us a bad beat. Friggin donkeys will get you every time!!!" said Bully.

I grabbed BigM and along with Zebediah, tried to apologize to the store owner. "What's a matter for you??" she said. "What's a matter for me? What's a matter for you?" I replied. By now, BigM had taken off in fright in the hamster cage running for dear life in the hamster wheel but getting nowhere. When I turned my attention back to the manager, I was face to face with the most beautiful pet shop owner I had ever seen. Her name tag said Crafty. Boy this mall has employees with funny names. First Mouse, now Crafty. "I'm so sorry miss, I let my monkey watch Planet Of The Apes a few days ago and I think he took it a little too personal." "A little? A little too personal?" Crafty replied. "Look at this store and the rest of the mall!!! She was right, the pet shop looked like my basement after one of my barnyard-fun Saturday night parties. I looked out in the mall to see women standing on benches, kids crying and mall clerks singing HAKUNA MATATA - IT MEANS NO WORRIES to try and calm everybody down!!! The white mall floors looked like giant chocolate chip cookies for the thousands of rabbit droppings. A cat called Murry was running around with mice hanging by their tails between his teeth and giant plastic mall trees burning in flames, probably from the torches Zebediah and I were chasing the savage beasts with.

Again miss Crafty, I am very sorry. I will obviously pay for any damages done to your store and the mall itself. By the way, that is an unusual name you have there. "My name is Maria Gianpoeano Romano but my friends call me CraftyItalian". Ok CraftyItalian, I really am sor..."I SAID MY FRIENDS CALL ME CRAFTYITALIAN!!! You can call me Crafty" . Yikes, I guess you're still upset about this little incident...maybe I can call you CraftyIta which would make me partly a friend? "AAARRRGGGGGGGGGG!!!" screamed Crafty." Zebediah stepped in. "I apologize for my imbecilic bumbling friend's attitude...you just can't educate pork!!!".

I took down Crafty's store phone number, and promised to call her back for the cost of the repairs she and the mall owner will want from me. Despite all of this, Zebediah agreed to play heads up with me in the next few days, in order to get ready for our live Texas Holdem tournament.

Christmas Shopping with BigM.

2007-03-17T23:22:00.000-07:00

You know what BigM and I hate almost as much as a rectal exam or rotten bananas? Christmas shopping!!!!!

Now don't get me wrong, Christmas season is my favourite time of the year. I remember my favourite Christmas present of all time. It was a talking Hillbilly doll. I called him HB. When you pulled on HB's pull-string, he would say "Hidee there Yungins. Yontto get crazier than a run over dog and clown around?" The first time BigM and I heard that, we ran and hid under the bed thinking HB was telling us to run and hide because some crazy clown named Yontto ran over our dog Shaggy with his car. Mom eventually explained to us that HB was asking us to get crazy and play with him. Whenever BigM and I would come home from Daisy's, our babysitter, BigM would go crying in the bedroom after the usual bullying he gets by the other toys because of his Plaidbanana. HB would say "Hey chimpboy, you gotta git tougher than a one-eard alley cat with them dawgs or they'll pick at you fer ever". To this day, I still don't know what the hell HB was talking about but BigM became more aggressive with the toys and they left him alone.

My love for the Christmas season is also due to the fact that I get a chance to spoil my daughter.
I remember when she was 2 years old and I had this huge desire to spoil her rotten. I dressed up as Santa and woke her up early Christmas morning, like I've done until she was 11. HoHoHo Santa would say, and Kayla would jump out of bed and hold santas hand leading him to the living room where BigM and HB would be sitting amongst the mountain of presents. Kayla would take so much time to open her gifts, HB would say "Lans-sake little one, hurry so I can pull out the shine and get lickered up". BigM would be right in there anxious to see what was in the packages. "That chimp is as nosy as a pet 'coon". By the time she was done opening her presents, daddy would be snoring away in bed alongside a drunk HB while Kayla and BigM played with her toys.

The only drawback to my favourite season is Christmas shopping. I don't drive, so the lovely experience of Christmas shopping for me is compounded by the fact that I have to bring all my gifts back home by bus. I have a habit of procrastinating when it comes to Christmas shopping. So our great adventure began on December 23rd, in the afternoon, during a violent Canadian snowstorm. I finally had BigM's Plaidbanana and 2 fingers sewn to his hand so he wasn't uncomfortable going out in public anymore. We stood at the bus stop in the blowing snow and minus 50 degree Celsius temperatures counting the wind chill factor. What a sight it must have been for the people driving by. A big trembling Uncle Fester-looking Frenchman wearing bright red ear muffs holding hands with a snow covered monkey protecting his frozen Plaidbanana from the harsh elements.

Finally, after 20 minutes, the bus came around the corner. BigM and I hugged each other like two survivors of a horrific avalanche seeing rescue helicopters coming to their aid. As the bus got closer, BigM and I pried ourselves from each other and braced ourselves for the long-awaited moment. But the bus didn't stop. It was full and just drove right by. BigM bolted out of my hands and grabbed on to the back of the bus. All of a sudden, I was chasing a bus with a lunatic monkey flapping in the wind from it's roof holding a frozen Plaidbanana. "Let go BigM, you don't know where you're going!!". "I can't, my hand is frozen to the top of the bus". So I chased the bus for 8 blocks. Luckily people were getting off at most of the stops and I finally caught up to it. "Excuse me sir, can you wait a minute so I can get my monkey off the top of your bus?" The driver reluctantly waited until I came back with BigM. We stood in the bus and noticed that the people were laughing at us. I guess you would laugh too if you saw a big bald headed man with a frozen face matching the color of his ear muffs, a white frostbitten nose holding a snow covered monkey clutching to his frozen Plaidbanana and icicles hanging from his Harryparatestes.

We finally got to the shopping mall. BigM and I sat down at the food court sipping on our hot chocolates and trying to get over that terrible ordeal. After a half an hour of thawing out and devouring a heaping bowl of poutine, I grabbed BigM and set out for the department store.
I sat BigM in the shopping cart and off we went. I needed to find all my presents in this mall because of the fact that I didn't want to be shopping mall hopping in a violent snowstorm on jam-packed buses.

I took out my daughter's Christmas gift list and went to the movies and music department. She wanted the"Dance Tunes 2007" CD but all BigM and I could find was the 2006 version. I found a department clerk to ask if they had more 2007 versions in the back or on display somewhere. His store name tag read "Mouse". "That's an odd name for a person" BigM and I thought, but we figured that it must be his nickname or something. "Hello mate, how may I help you?" I'm shopping for my daughter and was looking for the "Dance Tunes 2007" CD and all I could find is the 2006 version. "Are you off your trolley mate? It's December 23rd, you're lucky to have found the 2006 version". I looked down at my list and saw "Silent Hill" which is a horror movie that Kayla wanted to see. Do you have "Silent Hill" on DVD? "You're a real plonker aren't you? What kind of man let's his daughter watch such a film?" While this was going on, BigM was rubbing his Harryparatestes to dry off the remains of the icicles. "My god! your friend is playing with his rude bits, make him stop or take him to the loo". OK dude, never mind, I'll find what I'm looking for by myself.

Three hours later, BigM and I were able to find everything on Kayla's list except for the "Dance Tunes 2007" CD. By now, BigM is sleeping like a baby in the shopping cart sucking on his Plaidbanana. I head towards the nearest cash register and I find myself faced with the longest lineups imaginable. Each lineup extended through 2 store aisles There were 8 cash register counters but only 4 were open. It's December 23rd!!! Where is your staff??? I see 2 cashiers alongside their closed counters straightening out the candy and magazine sections leading to their cash registers. A third cashier walks up and asks if she needs to open her cash register. I sarcastically tell her "naw it's OK dear, why don't you just go and place the returned items of the day on the shelves where they belong, we're in no hurry". So she turns around and leaves. Now I'm fuming. I storm my way to the back of a line, waking BigM out of his deep sleep, and find myself waiting way back in the music department. There's that Mouse dude sitting behind his counter eating his lunch. He looks up at me and BigM and says "Hey mate, sorry about my rudeness earlier, it's been a long day. Nothing like playing a little bit of Noughts and Crosses eating Bangers & Mash along with Spotted Dick to ease the tension". BigM looks at me and says "isn't he playing Tick-Tack-Toe and eating sausage and potatoes with some sort of hot pudding?" Leave it alone BigM, just leave it alone.

An hour and a half later, we've paid for our purchases and get back to the food court. I now find myself sitting at a table with 12 huge bags of Christmas presents and a whining monkey screaming "I wanna go home" over and over and over. Jeez that monkey is moody!!!

Let's see now, we left the house at noon, and it's 6pm. There's no way I'm leaving here without rewarding myself for going through this horrible experience. I'm gonna get myself 2 large steak and cheese subs filled with all the ingredients they can fit and devour them at home with a litre of chocolate milk. Off we go... Uncle Fester wearing his bright red ear muffs, with his plush monkey holding a Plaidbanana in one hand, while in the other hand, 12 huge bags of Christmas presents and another containing my 2 subs. Of course, the snowstorm is even worse and there are no buses in sight. I now find myself sitting in a bus shelter with 12 huge bags of Christmas presents lined up on the floor, another holding my 2 prized subs, and a trembling monkey laying beside me screaming "There's no place like home, there's no place like home". I can hear the people around me giggling like little girls, but who can blame them, and who really cares. I just want to go home, lie on the couch eating my subs and washing it all down with 1 litre of chocolate milk. 25 minutes later, the damn bus gets here. With one hand, I grab BigM, who was now screaming "I'm playing with my rude bits" over and over and over, and grab the bags as quickly as I can before the bus decides to leave us behind.

Finally, we're on our way home. I've got BigM, the Christmas presents and my reward for going through this hellish experience, my su...Oh no!!! Where are the subs? I look out the bus window and there is my bag of subs, sitting in the bus shelter slowly fading away in the snowy night. STOP THE BUS!!! STOP THE BUS!! But it's too late. The bus is now going through the intersection and my subs are lost. Now people are screaming in laughter at the sight of a bald Uncle Fester-looking dude wearing bright red ear muffs, sitting on the bus floor surrounded by 12 huge bags of Christmas presents singing "they're coming to take me away aha, they're coming to take me away hehe hoho" with a crazy monkey holding a Plaidbanana, swinging over my head screaming "look at my spotted dick" over and over and over.

I love Christmas shopping!!!!

Coco and BigM - The Beginning.

2007-03-12T22:23:00.000-07:00

I still remember when my parents first brought him home. I was 1 1/2 years old. My parents weren't very rich, so when they bought me something, it would be from the "reduced" shelf. Sure enough, they brought me a monkey wearing a red dress, dark sunglasses and holding a strange looking banana. He took off his sunglasses, and I couldn't believe what I was gazing at. That monkey had the sexiest eyes I had ever seen. I quickly grabbed him out out my mom's hands "What are you going to call him Coco?" I looked under his dress and the first thing that came to mind was "Harryparatestes". The monkey looked down at his crotch and laughed. I guess he can understand baby talk. "Why don't you call him BigM for Big Monkey?" says mom. Oh how original!!! I'm surprised she didn't name me BigN for Big Newborn!!! Oh Monkey, you like BigM do ya??? Whatever, BigM it is. But this dress has got to go. You're a boy monkey BigM!!!

The thing that fascinated me the most about BigM was that he could actually hold a plastic banana on his own. What was even more fascinating is that the banana wasn't yellow like the bananas mom fed me, it was checkered in yellow and green...It was a PlaidBanana!!!! I wanted that PlaidBanana and BigM knew it. He was a smart monkey though. Whenever I walked near him, he'd stick Plaidbanana up his butt so that I wouldn't want to touch it, but little did he know that I liked to play with my own doodoo, so it didn't faze me whatsoever.

One day, I decided "This is It!!!" I took my diaper of for more freedom of movement and because it was full of crap. As I walked by BigM, he stuck Plaidbanana in his usual spot. I pulled his arm out, grabbed Plaidbanana and ran. I figured that if I ran fast enough and swerved enough times, that the little bastard would eventually let go of Plaidbanana...so off we went, I ran up the stairs, bouncing him from step to step, hoping he'd let go, but he didn't!!! He looked at me and said "Why The Long Face?" ARGGGGHHH!!!! I dragged him down the hall, swerving from side to side, bouncing him of the walls, jumped over our dog, Shaggy, who bit BigM's butt and wouldn't let go. That banana is as good as mine now!!! Here we are, Shaggy and I playing monkey tug of war and BigM screaming hysterically. Then for some strange reason, Shaggy let go. BigM and I were now tumbling back down the stairs, our lives flashing before our eyes, both still holding on to Plaidbanana for dear life. We both landed in a pile of laundry. I opened my eyes, got up, and found myself with my head sticking out of one of my dad's underwear legs with my left leg sticking out the other. Little did I know that a similar incident would happen later in life. I looked back and there was BigM hanging like a Dingleberry with his arm and Plaidbanana up my tush!!! I looked up the stairs and Shaggy was apologetically staring at us. "What was that all about Shag? "POO" is all he said. "From that day, I came to realize that Plaidbanana was BigM's for good.

As the years went by, BigM and I became inseparable. We went to the playground together, the Shopping Mall, took walks in the stroller and of course we were together at Daisy's, the babysitter.I liked Daisy a lot!!! My heart would just melt when she called me SUGAR..."What can I get cha SUGAR" or "Time for your bath SUGAR". I couldn't get enough of that. BigM hated going to the babysitters. He liked Daisy but couldn't fit in with the toys. Most of the toys called him names cause he didn't have a yellow banana like the other monkeys. He had a Plaidbanana. They wouldn't let poor BigM, join in any monkey games. His only friend was MoreM, a cute little monkey who always carried around a rack of lamb with her. "Nice rack!!" BigM told her when they first met. I think MoreM liked BigM for his Plaidbanana. "I just love your big banana BigM, it's kind of a turn on." "It's not only how big it is MoreM, it's also how well I use it." Needless to say, they became an item.

BigM and I also loved watching TV. Our favourite shows were Scooby Doo, Captain Kangaroo and The Mighty Hercules. In Scooby Doo, everyone loved Daphne, the so-called redheaded bombshell with the hot legs but I was hot for Velma. She had that somewhat seductive but definitely authoritative voice, a trait in a woman that I've always loved even as of today. BigM hated the show because when the villain got caught, he or she would always say "I would have gotten away with it, if not for these meddling kids!!!" I guess he had a point but I still loved the show.

I loved The Mighty Hercules, especially Newton's song..."I'm glad, I'm glad, to have, to have, a friend, a friend, like Hercules, like Hercules, Like Hercules." I had a few problems with the show though. First off, all the monsters had the same darn growl/scream, whether it was a 4 headed dinausourous-like monster, or a big fat rooster-like eagle. Secondly, when any of the monsters were running at Hercules to beat the crap out of him, they would originally succeed and throw him 30 feet away. Hercules always had the time to reach into his pocket, slip his magic ring on, lift his arm up in the air, flashes of lightning hitting the ring to give him superpowers, and be able to brace himself and destroy the oncoming beast before it got to him. He also seemed to be able to reach behind a tree, a bush or a rock and grab his trusted sword.

BigM's favourite show was The Monkees (go figure). That show drove me crazy. BigM would jump around and sing "Hey Hey we're the Monkees, And people say we monkey around, But we're too busy singing, To put anybody down". WOW, THAT WAS DEEP!!!! What can you possibly get out of this song???

Needless to say, BigM and I were as close of friends as friends could be. Later on, I'll give you more details on my teenage years with BigM.

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder...My first Visit to Therapist.

2007-03-08T14:35:00.000-08:00

Yes that's right, I have OCD. It's basically, in my case anyways, a psychiatric disorder most commonly characterized by having obsessive, and intrusive thoughts and related compulsions (tasks or rituals) which attempt to neutralize the obsessions. In my case, my brain won't trust what my eyes see and my rituals are checking (sometimes checking 10x) everything I do.

Now, I'm not making fun of people with OCD, just of myself lol.

About a year ago, I had my first appointment with my OCD therapist, we'll call her Dess. I remember when the therapist, Dess, first called me to set up that first appoitment, I said to myself "Wow does she ever have a seductive and authoratative voice!!!". We set up the appointment and I booked the day off from work.

The night before the appointment was a killer. I was a little anxious about the appointment which amplified my checking rituals. It was time for bed, so I had to go through my bedtime checking routine.

Television off, stare at it, still of, stare at it, still off...Computer off, light is dark on tower, light is still off on tower, still off, DARN LUCIFER (my cat) just walked in front of the tower so I have to start over...Computer off, light is dark on tower, light is still off on tower,still off...Oven knobs (5 off them GRRRR) Off-Off-Off-Off-Off left to right, Off-Off-Off-Off-Off right to left, 2 more Xs, MEEEOOOWWWWWWWWWW!!!!..Oh sorry Chucky (my other cat), I didn't see your tail COOCHEECOOCHEECOOO poor baby boy...DOH, gotta start the oven check all over!!!Off-Off-Off-Off-Off left to right, Off-Off-Off-Off-Off right to left, 2 more Xs, still off....Lights, front door, back door, you get the picture...

Alarm clock, now this is special...anyone with a clock radio alarm will understand...OK it's 11 o'clock with the dot, meaning that at midnight there won't be a dot, the alarm is set for 7 am without the dot, "push" the alarm is on...it's 11 o'clock with the dot, meaning that at midnight there won't be a dot, the alarm is set for 7 am without the dot, "push" the alarm is on...it's 11 o'cl DOHHH!!! the time changed to 11:01!!! It's 11:01 with the dot, meaning...I have to do all this within a minute or I have to start over again...phew, 11:09 and done, a pretty good night this time.

Well, it's appointment day with Dess, my therapist. Where's BigM??? There you are BigM, you're coming for another trip buddy... I promise this visit won't be as traumatic as the last one ok? Out we go, lock the door, turn the knob and push, it's locked, turn and push, turn and push, turn and push...Oh hello officer, what can I do for you? "I've been watching you for the last 20 minutes trying to break into this house, I'm afraid you'll have to come with me sir"...no officer, I live here, I'm just checking to make sure it's locked before I go, 20 minutes hey? not so bad...."Can I see some identification please, maybe your drivers license?" Sorry officer I don't drive but here's my buspass with picture..."how about a passport?" sorry officer, I don't fly...ever since 911 and also the fact that I realized that planes aren't suspended in the air by huge chains...tell you what officer, I'll open the door with this key, shouldn't that prove that I live here?After 20 minutes of the officer questionning me on what items were in each kitchen cupboard, he let me go.

The bus ride wasn't very amusing for BigM and I...people were staring at us the whole trip, probably because they thought it was strange to see a big bald guy holding hands with a little fury monkey whose 2 fingers are taped to one hand while a plastic banana is taped to the other. BigM had his face pushed against my side cause he hates being stared at.

While in the waiting room outside Dess's (my therapist) office, she came in and asked me to fill out this questionnaire to evaluate my degree of OCD..."it'll only take 5 minutes at most" she said. "Oh I see you brought a friend?" Hmm, why does that sound familiar?...Oh this is my friend BigM, he calms me down in situations of anxiety. I was taken aback by this lovely, 5'9" 138pd muscular woman with the seductive but authoratative voice, and reluctantly agreed to fill out the questionnaire...now why would you give a 4 page questionnaire to a person with OCD, especially me with my checking rituals???

Multiple choice questionnaire GREAT!!!
First question: Do you find yourself checking things more than once?
a) never b) sometimes c) often d) all the time...my answer is d!!!
Now I have to re-read the question and make sure that I chose an answer, chose the right answer and didn't misunderstand the question...ok 39 more questions to go!!! Dess comes back with a book in hand called "How to avoid stalkers in poker rooms"..."5 minutes is up, are you ready?" Umm, I'm at question 7...sorry...BigM covers his eyes with his taped-up hand, I guess he's embarrassed for me..."Oh ok, I'll come back in 5 minutes, but you don't have to make sure of all your answers OK?"...OK Dess...5 minutes later, "ready?" Umm I'm at question 20, I'm going a little faster right?..."OK mister Whissell, 5 more minutes OK?" Oh-Oh, there's that authoratative voice coming out Sighhhh!!!! BigM is hiding under my chair sensing friction...There, done after 15 minutes...Dess grabs the questionnaire out of my hands before I have a chance to re-check the answers again.

I grab BigM, who is now hiding in the coat rack, with his banana sticking out of one of the coat sleeves, and follow Dess to her office. It's a nice office...on her desk are a picture of I think is a dog, but looks more like a giant brown dinosaur or something, at the bottom it says "I love you Owen"...and another picture of some sexy bald guy flexing his muscles and wearing a silly Canada hat...at the bottom it says "What a Man!!!"

So here we are, Cocopoutine, BigM and Dess sitting in a therapists office...for some reason, I feel like the three of us have a connection somehow. "Hello, my name is Dess and I'm your therapist. We'll be working on your OCD together. Let's go over your questionnaire. Hmmmm, out of 40 questions, you've scratched out and re-answered 36 of them...the questionnaire is full of scratchings and circles over different answers!!!" Maybe you should have given me a pencil and eraser instead of the pen...sorry Dess.

The rest of the session was Dess asking me the questions over and her filling in my answers. It wasn't a great first impression with my therapist but we continued the work. I'll keep you posted on the improvements.

My Family Doctor.

2007-03-05T02:29:00.000-08:00

This is a story about my first 12 years with my family doctor.

I first met him in 1995. His name is (and I'm not kidding) George Michaels which is strikingly similar to George Michael the singer.

On my way to my first ever visit, I thought I'd make a funny about his name, you know, to sort of break the ice. I sat in his office. When he walked in he said good day. My reply was "wake me up before you go go" which is a popular song from George Michael's days with the 80's group "Wham". I started giggling like a little girl because I thought that was pretty funny, but the doc just sat down and didn't acknowledge my joke. He looked up and said "I received your file from your previous doctor" and started questioning me on some of the information on that file.

LOL I thought to myself, he must have not heard me or something. After a few more questions, he said that in order for him to help me stay in good health, that I would have to make sure to take the medications he prescribed. I thought, "let's make another funny" so I replied "You gotta have faith a faith a faith, you gotta have faith a faith a faith" in me doc. Again I started to giggle only to have the doc say "you know, you're not the first person to make similar jokes with my name...it kinda gets stale after a while.

Yikes, an even more awkward moment. "Sorry doc, was just trying to be funny". He then filled out a form requesting blood samples and for me to come back in 2 weeks to discuss the results. Now anyone who knows me, knows that I love to make people laugh and it bugged me not to have been able to do that with the doc. But it was so awkward that I figured I'd leave it alone.

Two weeks later, I was back in the examining room and fighting my urge to make a joke about his name. The doc walks in and again says "good day". Before I could even think of the possible consequences, I replied "Hi doc, you know , I have all your albums, including your days with Wham"...Obviously, you guys can tell that I have a problem of saying the first thing that comes to my head and not be able to keep it in like most people can. He just stared at me and before he could say "YOU DAMN FRENCH IGNORANT MORON!!!" I said "sorry doc, it won't happen again"....So needless to say, we didn't get off on the right foot.

As the months and years went on, I saw him when needed and most often to try and control my tendency towards high blood pressure. Of course, he prescribed pills and told me that bettering my choice of food was very important. I took the pills and exercised fairly enough but the blood pressure would only get a little lower, not enough to satisfy the doc. He asked me "do you eat vegetables with your meals?"...I told him not really because they don't send you any with your pizza order except for the green peppers and mushrooms included in the toppings. "Do you often salt your food?" he asked..."well I like to salt my Poutine, it makes it taste better". Now for you non-Canadians, Poutine is a french Canadian treat that consists of french fries draped with curd cheese and smothered in gravy....

"What??? All you eat is pizza and poutine", he said. Of course not, I also eat frozen dinners the odd time. He went on telling me that pizza dough, cheese, gravy and french fries were definitely affecting my blood pressure. How often do you eat poutine? he asked...About 3 times a week I guess. "That's about 12 or 13 poutines a month...do you know what you're doing to your body??? Well if you look at it that way, I guess it's a lot. I also said to myself that the numbers were actually higher, and of course, I couldn't keep it to myself. "Actually doc, it's 3 times a week but I order 2 poutine's each time...you see there's a restaurant that has a combo special where you get 1 poutine, a pop and a pack of cigarettes for a great price...I don't smoke so I replace the smokes for an extra poutine. He wasn't impressed..."that means you eat 24 poutines a month??? and on top of that, you eat the occasional pizza and frozen dinners as well?" You have to stop this if you want to get your blood pressure down to normal, on top of clogging your arteries!!!!" Ok then, every second order, I'll get the extra poutine and keep the original cigarette combo the other times. That's only 18 poutines a month and I'll start smoking...is that better doc? Needless to say, he didn't laugh and told me to stop the poutines completely...I agreed to reduce the order to once a week and make it 4 poutines a month...but I'm weak so it's more like 18 poutines.

Hopefully I can keep the 18 poutines a secret...in my next post, I'll tell you guys about my first physical with the doc about 2 years ago.