PotLuc. (Luc is my name :))

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This stems from a simple e-mail from my brother Claude reminding the family about our Potluck lunch this weekend for our mother's birthday. He made the mistake of leaving out the "k" in potluck, so here is what I replied to all :)
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Here's some ideas for the PotLuc lunch...

1. Lucstickers or dumplings – In a non-stick pan, put a little bit of oil (actually, maybe a lot of oil so his ass doesn't stick to the pan). When the oil is hot put in the lucstickers flat side down (if you can find a flat side to luc). Then add water just enough to cover about a quarter of the lucstickers’ height or at least to cover his ass and half of his belly. When all the water is absorbed, he'll look like a cross between the Micheline man and an oversized version of Mr. Clean with water dripping out of his ears and his bottom will start to brown. Continue cooking until it’s golden brown (or until Luc screams "MY ASS IS WAY PAST GOLDEN DAMMIT, TAKE ME OUT!!!). Arrange on a platter and put a dipping sauce on the center .

2. Luc rolls- If you are in a hurry you can buy frozen Luc rolls, and then just bake them in the oven. Costco has big packs of Luc rolls and they come with the dipping sauce too.

3. Bacon wrapped Lucs – Wrap each Luc with half a strip of bacon (maybe a little extra bacon if you want to wrap more than his pinky finger). Secure with a toothpick, or maybe a sawed-off hockey stick. Broil until golden brown or until he screams again.

4. Devilled Lucs – Slice the boiled Lucs lengthwise. You can also slice them “zig zag” so they look nicer, or maybe in every direction possible to make him suffer even more dammit!!!. Very carefully take out the guts, as he might feel a little discomfort and bite your hand off, and put them in a separate bowl. Mash the guts and add mayonnaise (or Miracle Whip), salt and pepper. Mix them well. Spoon the filling into the Luc white halves. You can arrange these devilled Lucs on a platter lined with lettuce leaves so they do not slip or move, but believe me, the only slipping Luc will be doing is slipping into a coma and he ain't moving. Cover with plastic saran wrap until serving time.

5. Caesar Luc – Chop fresh Luc. Wash Luc, and use Luc spinner to spin him dry. Arrange in a bowl and top with chopped cucumber, tomatoes, sliced boiled eggs, shredded cheese and croutons. Drizzle with salad dressing just before serving.

6. Pasta Luc – Cook Luc and rinse with cold water. Drain well as not to drown him in the bowl. Add small cubed pieces of cheese, zucchini, olives and cherry tomatoes. Add desired dressing just before serving.

7. Luc tray – You can buy Luc trays ready made so you do not have to do any preparation. You can bring a dip to go with the Luc tray.

8. Luc dip – Buy a pack of frozen Lucs and let thaw completely. Take as much water out as possible by pressing Luc into a very large colander or sticking a large pin in him for quick drainage. Word of caution: if using the pin method, stand clear as Luc may do one of two things...1) explode like a giant water balloon hitting the pavement after a 10-story drop from a building or 2) start spraying all over the place like a kid's summer water sprinkling toy name Ollie the Octopus because you probably made the puncture too small for the amount of water needed to get out of Luc, which would naturally create hundreds of punctures all over him. In a separate bowl, mix 1 cup mayonnaise and 1 cup sour cream. Add a packet of soup mix. Mix all together, then transfer to a nice bowl or a barrel. Serve with sliced vegetable sticks like celery, red and green pepper and carrots. To make it extra fancier you can serve this Luc dip on a hollowed out center of sourdough bread. Sprinkle with paprika. Serve with cubed bread if desired.

9. Spaghetti with Lucballs – Cook the spaghetti. Rinse and drain well. Saute chopped onions then add frozen Lucballs. Add pasta sauce or tomato sauce, water, salt, black pepper, basil and oregano spices. Simmer until Lucballs are soft, and maybe massage them a little to keep him interested. Mix with the drained spaghetti and top with shredded cheddar cheese and parmesan cheese.

10. Shrimp and grape tomato Lucs – Soak the Lucs in hot water for about 20 minutes or until he screams "I AM NOT AN ANIMAL, I AM A HUMAN BEING!!!". In a small bowl mix together crushed garlic, lemon juice, olive oil, freshly chopped dill (or dried), salt and pepper. Coat the shrimps with this mixture. Then thread the shrimp and tomatoes alternately on the Luc. Grill until the shrimps are done or until Lucs ass is about to discolour!!!.

11. Luc rolled in flour tortillas – In a small bowl mix mayonnaise or Miracle Whip and shredded cheese. Next take a flour tortilla and top it with a slice of Luc. Spread the mixture over Luc. Then roll it up, and slice into bite size pieces. Secure with or a sawed-off hockey stick.

12. Luc salad on crackers – In a bowl mix Luc, finely chopped tomatoes, Miracle Whip or mayonnaise (or salad dressing), and season with salt and pepper. If you want some greens on it you can add herbs like chopped cilantro or dill. Mix well. Serve on crackers.

13. Luc salad – Boil Luc, then peel and slice him into cubes. We're not sure which of the three steps Luc hates the most, so you might want to use extreme caution during all three. During the boiling process, you might want to put a lid on the pot to muffle the excess screaming. During the peeling stage, you may want him to bite down on a stick and sing him some Miley Cyrus songs to distract him. By the slicing into cubes stage, he'll either be dead or completely be beside himself to be of any danger. Add chopped hard-boiled Lucs, chopped celery, salt, dijon mustard, and mayonnaise or salad dressing. Toss well. Chill before serving.

14. Luc – People love plain Luc! Slice him into chunks or triangles and arrange him on a platter.

15. Baked Luc – This is a time saver for potlucks too. Buy a frozen Luc and bake him. Spinach Luc is a good choice too since it’s healthier than all meat.

16. Luc pate – You can buy a ready to eat canned (actually barreled) Luc pate, or you can also improvise your own which is just as delicious. Mix canned Luc, cream cheese, a squeeze of lemon, season with salt and pepper. You can also add herbs like chopped parsley, cilantro or dill. Cover with plastic wrap and chill before serving. Serve with crackers.

17. Baked Luc nuggets – Put Luc in a bowl, and drizzle olive oil to lightly coat him. Season with coarse salt and pepper. Bake until done or until he screams. It’s simple and delicious!

18. Mini Lucs – Make several Luc fillings and spread on Luc. You can trim off Luc if you prefer but it might take a while for the trimming cause he's not good with diets. Slice into triangles. Stick colorful toothpicks. If the slicing into triangles doesn't kill him, you might hear screaming during the sticking of toothpicks process. Suggested Luc fillings: (1) Egg Salad. (2) Chicken salad . (3) Tuna salad – mix drained tuna with chopped celery and mayonnaise or salad dressing. Season with salt and black pepper. Mix well. Arrange the mini Lucs on a platter. Miniature Lucs are great potluck ideas because most people like small serving sizes. You may need a few extra hours to actually turn Luc into small serving sizes

Coco Mills Cereal

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The "COCO" franchise is expanding all over the world and lately, in different types of venues.

It all started with poker, specifically at K9 Poker Tour / K9 Poker Room.

The original Coco, coconeely, slowly and gingerly nestled himself in the poker environment like a mackerel finding his way amongst the dolphins and sharks of the poker world. The coconeely mystique was allowed to grow with consistent poker play along with crazy and coocoo-like behavior patterns.

This PHENOMENON is unlike John Travolta's 1996 discovery that he has super-intelligence and telekinesis. Although coconeely has in depth knowledge of English Political and Military History, especially in The Battle of Madagascar (those poor little monkeys), he can't really be considered super-intelligent. As far as telekinesis, coconeely admits that he really hasn't had any family members on television, other than maybe his half-uncle Coco Beware, not to be mistaken for BoBo Brazil, who performed regularly in televised World Wrestling Federation matches.

The Coco mystique has attracted a variety of friends and followers along with the odd foe. It has since spawned players like cocowhiss, cocobaldy, cocobruin, coco80, cocoguppy, cocopoutine, cococoocoo and the newest and upcoming star of online poker, cocowheresmycurdcheese or cocowmcc.

The consistent climb in popularity of our COCO poker franchise has been fairly well recognized in the online poker community and will continue to grow as it infiltrates the different poker venues online poker has to offer.

During that time, the Coco franchise has branched out into other markets.

We decided to tackle the breakfast cereal world. Coco Mills joined the market on January 5th, 2007. Our first and signature product was CocoPuffs, with that Great Chocolatey Taste!!!

We've been in costly court battles with General Mills in order to keep our cereal line on the grocery shelves. Along with our somewhat similar company name, General Mills considered our CocoPuffs too close to their "Cocoa Puffs" brand name.

Here's an explanation of our arguments:

On the "Mill's" similarity issue, we contend that there is a precedent. "Wal-Mart" and "Michael Vick's Dog Grooming Mart" have been co-existing for years as have "Chucky Cheese" and "Raoul's Cut-The-Cheese" air freshener supplies.

As for the "CocoPuffs" versus "Cocoa Puffs" comparison, other than the obvious fact that our version is a 1-word title without the "a", their cereal consists of small "puff" spheres that have been chocolate-flavored with cocoa produced from cacao trees. Our chocolatey flavor comes from a special chocolate dipped in the Indian River off the shores of the city of Cocoa Florida... If you ever visit the city of Cocoa, make sure you attend the "Mommy and Me Luncheon" which is a fun luncheon for Moms and children where moms can enjoy facials, massages and half hour all-u-can-get sessions with local cabana boys while their children are entertained with Magic Shows, Storytelling and daily showings of Michael Jackson's 2 new mini movies, "Beat It, Little Johnny and I are Napping" and "Thriller Without Pj's".

General Mills also thought that our mascot's name, "Johnny the Coocoo Turd" was too similar to their " Ronny the Cuckoo Bird". Even our catchphrase "I'm Coocoo for CocoPuffs" was negatively compared to their "I'm Cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs".

Johnny the Coocoo Turd promoted the fact that CocoPuffs consists of a mixture of 5 different shaped turds, as opposed to our competitor's round or spherical shaped puffs. There's the "Star Turd", "Teddy Turd", "Banana Phone Turd", "Elephant Turd" and "Spaceship Turd".

During the holiday seasons, CocoPuffs' turd mixture varies to "The Rabbit Turd" for Easter, a mixture of "The Santa Turd" and "The Reindeer Turd" for Christmas, and for Halloween, a mixture of "The Bat Turd", "The Pumpkin Turd", "The Ghost Turd", "The Linus Waiting in the Pumpkin Patch for The Great Pumpkin Turd" and "The We Have No More Candies Sign In The Door Turd".

As of today, we are still battling in court to keep CocoPuffs on the shelves.

We haven't let our legal battles slow us down though. We've added a new brand to our cereal lineup, the mixed berry flavored "Captain DingleBerry" with our superhero mascot's famous catchphrase "You Just Can't Wipe Away the Great Taste of Dingle Berries".

We currently have a promotion for kids of all sizes. With 2 proofs of purchase from either our CocoPuffs or Captain DingleBerry cereal boxes, as well as 1 proof of purchase from either Charmin's Ultra-Strong or Ultra-Soft Bathroom Toilet Paper, you can order either our "Johnny The Coocoo Turd" or "Captain Dingleberry" action figures.

We are also pleased to announce that our two fierce mascots will appear in a comic book series.
The first 2 editions are "Johnny The Coocoo Turd makes a splash", where our fearless Johnny fights off being flushed to extinction, and "Captain Dingleberry meets Bidet Man" where our superhero clings for his life in a fierce watery jet attack.

We are in the process of adding a new brand to our cereal line. Let's hope General Mills or other companies don't go out of their way to find a problem with our proposed product name.

It will be called "Prix" which will consist of a mixture of Michael Vick and O.J. Simpson shaped puffs. "Prix" will be aimed at the adult population. Our mascot, the Prix Hobbit, is actually a pygmy offshoot of a child-like rabbit. The kid hobbit will keep trying to trick adults into giving him a bowl of "Prix" cereal, but he'll be discovered every time, and the adults will say, "Silly hobbit, Prix aren't for kids."

I am extremely proud at how the Coco franchise has grown. First the online poker world and now the breakfast cereal establishment along with the different possibilities deriving from our two lovable mascots.

Believe it or not, there are actually more existing franchises in the Coco empire as well as future ventures that we are working on as we speak. I will enlighten you on these other franchises and future ventures in the coming days.

Kidney Stones - Oh the Pain!!!

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OK, by now, you all think my life is centered around doctors and a little monkey carrying a Plaidbanana. Well you're right!!!

About 4 years ago, I had the worst and most painful experience of my life.
It started in bed in the middle of the night. At that time, I was living with my now ex-fiancee, let's call her Bubba. Bubba was sleeping on the couch that night while BigM was nestled up against me.

You see, Bubba slept on the couch whenever BigM found his way in our bed. I think it stems back to when Bubba and I first met. The three of us were asleep one night as I was suddenly awakened by what I could only describe as an episode from the jungle of hell!!! Mixed in among the sounds of what seemed like a thousand angry bongos and a stampede of frightened elephants, lions and zebras, were screams that I could only relate to the last time I watched my pirated copy of "Barnyard Fun". I jumped out of bed and crawled towards my cherished smaller scale replica of Pee Wee's Playhouse to take refuge. "Save Yourselves" I screamed back at BigM and Bubba as I closed the plastic door behind me. I could swear hearing what sounded like enraged carnal wailing from Tarzan or Jane through frightening monkey screams as if it were being passed through a meat grinder.

As I lay behind Chairry with Jambi and Cowboy Curtis yelling "Whoo-weee", I looked up at Mr. Window..."Do you see anything?" But he didn't answer.
Three hours later, the sounds had stopped. With flashlight in hand, I slowly crawled to the plastic door, and as soon as I said "I think the coast is clear", everyone screamed ""AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You said the magic word!!!" Darn, apparently, the magic word of the night was coast. The "AAAAHHHHHS" sent the sorriest looking animal I had ever seen zooming into the Playhouse. It sort of looked like BigM but with patches of fur missing throughout his body. His Plaidbanana was all mangled and twisted. "Are you OK buddy???" But the shaken and frightened BigM just buried himself in Chaiiry's arms.

I slowly made my way out of the Playhouse and crawled towards the bed, softly calling out for Bubba to see where she had taken refuge herself. When I peaked into the bed, I saw what seemed like Bubba sitting up and smoking a cigarette with patches of fur all over the place. She looked at me and said "Rawwwr!!! what a man!!!" and went down to the kitchen for a drink. I quickly picked up as much of the fur I could get, threw it in the Playhouse, and jumped in under the covers. I couldn't bring myself to tell her that she had spent over 3 hours with BigM. Since that night, BigM refused to sleep in our bed whenever Bubba chose to come upstairs.

Anyways, as I was saying, my most painful experience happened around 4 years ago with BigM nestled at my side. I was having the strangest dream. I was playing a NL Holdem poker sit-n-go with the Tinman, The Scarecrow, the Cowardly Lion and The Wizard of K9 . If the Wizard won the sit-n-go, we would all have a full house fall on our heads. BigM was riding around on Toto's back screaming "I'll get you my pretty" while chasing one of the evil witch's monkey guards. Zebediah was explaining to the Scarecrow how the Emus and Hyenas fought off the British in The Battle of Madagascar. The Cowardly Lion was hiding under the couch fearing the full house crashing down on him while Hillbilly was screaming "Arncha the awfullest coward of a lion?? You're courage is as scarce as hen's teeth!!!".The Wizard and the Tinman were down to Heads-up with the Wizard having the chip lead. After the river, the board showed 2-4-6-8-10 of hearts. The Tinman pushed all-in, bluffing to try and steal the pot. The Wizard looked at the Tinman straight in the eye, picking up on the Tinman's biggest tell and called the bet..."You don't have a heart Tinman, everyone knows that!!!" Of course he was right and the Wizard won the tournament. As we were bracing ourselves for our punishment, I woke up to incredible sharp pains in my lower abdomen...

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!" No, there was no magic word this time. I found myself screaming like an air-raid siren warning the town of incoming planes. If the country were under attack, our neighbourhood would already be hunkered down. I looked up and saw a frightened and crying BigM spinning round and round on the ceiling fan. I slowly got up and made my way to the washroom. The next thing I knew, I was on my knees in front of the toilet trying to figure out how much I would weigh minus my tongue, my lungs, my heart, and my intestines.

When Bubba hysterically ran into the washroom, she was shocked to see a big bald baby beluga head first in the toilet, a hysterical BigM jumping up and down on the toilet flushing handle screaming "I can't keep this up much longer, save yourselves" and HillBilly tugging at my grey sweatpants screaming "Lans-sake, this old dawg aint gonna hunt no more if we don't put a stop to this!!!". So Bubba ran to the phone and called for the ambulance.
After shoving my vital organs back down my throat, I slowly made my way to the living room floor. As I lay on my back, I screamed over to HillBilly "when that frigging alien pops out of my stomach, I'll grab him and you shoot him between the eyes!!!" "If that doesn't work, just shoot me in the head!!!".

The ambulance crew stormed into the living room only to see Bubba and a monkey holding a Plaidbanana struggling to stop HillBilly from shooting me..."He's plumb tuckered out from howling like a banshee!! let me put him out of his misery".
"Stand back and give us room folks". "What seems to be the problem sir?" After I explained to the paramedics that they may need Sigourney Weaver for this one, they prepared a needle to presumably kill the alien chewing away at my abdomen. They poked at my arm, and they poked, and poked a little more. Then they moved to the other arm. "Hey guys, I know I may look like an over-sized Pillsburry dough boy, but no matter how often you poke me, I'm not gonna giggle for you!!!". "Sorry sir, you're a rather large man and we're having trouble finding an appropriate place to inject the pain killers". "Tell you what docs!!! I'll get my monkey and Bubba to roll me over. BigM can pull my grey sweatpants down to my ankles and you take that needle of yours and APPROPRIATELY STICK IT IN MY ASS!!! AND IF YOU DON'T THINK THAT'LL DO, STICK ANOTHER NEEDLE IN MY OTHER ASS CHEEK!!!" We're sorry sir, but the painkiller will take too long to take effect if we do that. We have to take you to the hospital."

By the time they were able to get the mini forklift into the house to get me on the stretcher, I had already gone through three showings of the bedroom scene in the exorcist, all three times turning my head on a swivel and chucking my Quaker Cinnamon and Apple Oatmeal on the preacher reading my last rights. "Try to lay still sir as we wheel you out to the ambulance because we'll have a hard time getting you back in, we've only rented the mini forklift for an hour". What???? That's like asking a pig, as he's about to get slaughtered by the farmer, to stop squealing "How could you do this to me after all we've been through!!! I knew something was up when you named me Kevin Bacon at birth!!!". Of course, I couldn't stop screaming and squirming which caused the frightening descent on my runaway stretcher as it crashed into the ambulance. "I guess you're glad I didn't tip over hey, you won't need the forklift after all!!!!".

All I remember about the ambulance ride is my pleading to the paramedic for that sacred painkiller needle while he kept passing over these over sized clear Glad Kitchen-Catcher plastic bags to satisfy my toilet-hugging needs. "You know doc, I bet if you had stuck that needle in my ass cheek when I first asked you too, I bet at least 1% of the pain would be gone by now. Just my luck I guess that I get sick during a hospital shortage of painkilling fluid. Or is it that you get off on hearing cow-like screams after they get their utters caught on a wire fence? "Be patient sir, we're pulling into the emergency lobby".

"Finally", I say to myself. As they wheel me to the emergency entrance, I can finally see hope in getting my painkiller. I ask the waiting nurse if she can please give me the needle to which she replies "let's get you to registration then we'll take care of your pains". They wheel me to a hall in emergency and park my stretcher against the wall. By now, I've been screaming in pain for over an hour, hungering for that elusive needle like a shipwrecked Frenchman hungering for just one more poutine-Pepsi-cigarette combo for $11.99 with an angelic Isabelle Mercier nestled in his arms.

For some reason, I find myself surrounded by the whole hospital staff of ambulance drivers and paramedics. One of them probably called all the vehicles back to the hospital "Hey you guys, drop what you're doing!!! you gotta come and see this guy!!!" What a sight it must have been...a big, bald and topless mountain of a man, a grey sweatpant away from being a male pole dancer at the end of his 3 minute feature, prancing around from paramedic to ambulance driver looking for anyone who may have strong beliefs in euthanasia. I see one guy enjoying his hot buttered popcorn and blue slushy drink, another loading his hot pretzel with Dijon mustard, BigM holding flashlight asking people to get their feet down from the seats in front of them and Bubba selling action figures to the upcoming sequel "Torturing The Fatman II."

Another hour later, I'm in a hospital bed and finally brought some painkillers. I'm in too much pain and too eager to wolf those damn pills down that I don't even bother asking why I didn't get those pills 2 hours ago on my living room floor. Slowly but surely, the pain dissipates to an acceptable discomfort. The nurse told me that I was passing kidney stones. I asked how long it would take for them to strangle and extract that 100 pound beast they call kidney stones from my stomach. "You can do it here and right now if you'd like. After the pain I just went through, I can endure anything that can be thrown at me. If I have to get rid of the alien childbirth-style, I will. I think Bubba and I will call him JohnBoy or LooBoy, cause when we bring him home, he's headed right down the toilet pipes to be adopted by the sewer rats!!!!!"

The nurse laughed. "There is no operation. You'll need to go home, rest and take these painkillers as directed to control the pains until the stones pass." She gave me what looked like a scoop up net thingy that you would use to remove an unfortunate goldfish from the fish tank after he somehow got stuck in the aquarium filter. "When you go to the washroom to urinate, make sure you use this to trap the passing stone and bring it back for analysis. It will more than likely be the size of a grain of sand or 2." A grain of sand or 2??? I've got a plastic sandbox in the backyard...I'll fill that up with what's inside of me and borrow that mini-forklift from your paramedics to bring the sample back for your analysis.

Of course, the passing stone was the size of a grain of sand. Wonders will never cease.

Befriending Zebediah Boulstridge.

As lots of people know, I enjoy playing a good game of No Limit Texas Holdem.
I mostly play poker online, but occasionally play live tournaments as well.

Online Texas Holdem has become a regular activity in my life, actually more like a passion. Most of my evenings and nights are spent battling my friends and foes for Texas Holdem supremacy. With BigM and HillBilly by my side, I battle tooth and nail trying to put fear in my opponent's faces. BigM is the more calming influence when I play, while HB is more critical and judgemental.

Whenever I suffer a bad beat, and I'm about to explode in a fit of rage, BigM jumps on top of the computer and places his PlaidBanana against his ear. He then dances around and sings "Ring Ring Ring Ring Ring Ring Ring, Banana Phone...Ring Ring...". After a few seconds, I find myself dancing in front of the computer with BigM singing the banana phone song which eventually leads to BigM and I doing a little dirty dancing in the middle of the living room. I become Patrick Swayze (Johnny) and BigM is Jennifer Grey (Baby). I walk over to a cursing HillBilly and tell him "Nobody Puts Baby in a Corner!!!". We dance to (I've had) The Time of My Life and end it with BigM making that heart-stopping leap while I catch and lift him to the sky while striking the most amazing pose any man and his monkey can hold.

By then, I've completely forgotten about my bad beat although I've missed 8 or 9 hands but it's a heck lot better than tilting and losing all my chips on the next hand. I usually go back to the table with HillBilly bashing me on the head with his Skoal can and screaming stuff like "What in tarnation is going on here? I got a good notion to punch you in the Tater Trap!!! Arncha ever gonna learn? You're deftly a sandwich short of a picnic!! Now take hold of that mouse critter of yers and play some poker!". The tourney usually ends with me hanging around like a Dingle berry until my usual final table finish and HillBilly cursing at me for being too tight.

One day, BigM came swinging across the living room with what looked like some sort of a flyer. Watcha got their monkey? said HillBilly as he is mounting a gun rack on the side of the computer. "The next time you two daints around like little lightning bugs, I'm fixin to shootya both!!!" I took the flyer from BigM's hand. Hey guys, there's a Live Texas Holdem Tournament at the Scooby Shack in 2 weeks. Top prize is a seat at a Canadian Poker Tour event. "You're fixin' to go right?" said HillBilly. Don't know HB, I've never played in a Live tournament. I guess I can give it a shot.

A day went by, and we were all getting anxious. "Let's go to the mall" said BigM. Good idea, it'll take our minds of the tournament. As BigM and I walked past the food court, we ran into that British store clerk we met during our last Christmas Shopping fiasco, chowing down on a baked potato. "Hello mate" he said. "Hi Mouse", as I looked at his store name tag, how are you today? "Pretty good old chap, just eating my Jacket Potato before going home." You know Mouse, it's spring time, I think you can start eating t-shirt potatoes LOL. "Do you always act like a nutter or does it just come naturally mate?" Sorry Mouse, I have a hard time keeping my initial thoughts to myself. My doctor can't stand me either. "No worries mate, I actually find you quite amusing". Well thanks bud...you remember BigM right? "Oh yes, the monkey who likes to play with his rude bits". Actually, it's my Harryparatestes thank you!! replied BigM.

"So what are you shopping for today mate?" Actually, I'm getting ready for my first live Texas Holdem tournament. "Oh yes, I'm registered for that also, it will take place in a fortnight." Actually, it only lasts 1 night and it's in 2 weeks there Mouse. But hey, we can play a little heads-up sometime to get some practice, maybe share a few little pointers, what do you think Mouse? "Sure mate, I would fancy a little poker sometime soon." By the way, what is your real name Mouse? mine is Luc Cocopoutine. "Mine is Zebediah Boulstridge."

All of a sudden, there was a loud mixture of animal screeches and screaming women. Dogs, cats, rabbits, guinea pigs and gerbils were storming out of the pet shop and heading straight for us. It looked like a scene from The Lion King when those darn Buffaloes stormed through the valley of the Pridelands and stomped Simba's dad to death. My life was flashing before my eyes. I looked over at Zebediah and screamed "Run Forrest!!!". We instantly turned around and ran. We ran passed the record store, the pharmacy, the House of Poutine, my favourite sex toys shop, through the water fountain, and past the Travel Agency announcing reduced airfare to Atlanta Georgia to meet K9PokerDesser, voted by her peers as 2006's most seductive poker voice on the airwaves.

I looked ahead and saw that we were headed for a dead end. Zebediah screams "Blimey mate, we've hit a Cul-De-Sac." Zebediah and I literally had our backs to the wall and staring at a stampede of guinea pigs, gerbils, dogs, cats and rabbits who were now joined by ferrets, frogs, parrots and turtles bringing up the rear. BigM was leading the way, holding his Plaidbanana in one hand, a water rifle in the other, riding on top of a Bulldog and shouting "BEWARE THE BEAST MAN, FOR HE IS THE DEVIL'S PAWN. ALONE AMONG GOD'S PRIMATES, HE KILLS FOR SPORT OR LUST OR GREED"!!! Darn, I knew I shouldn't have let BigM watch Planet Of The Apes. He was out for revenge but I never saw it coming till now.

We were running out of time, but our luck turned for the best. We were beside a store specializing in jungle torches, mosquito repellent and fish net stockings. We each grabbed a lit torch from the display hangers and ran towards the stampede. Almost instantly, the animals turned around and started running in the other direction. What a sight, Zebediah and I, jungle torches in hand, chasing the wild beasts back towards the pet shop. We passed the Travel Agency, ran through the water fountain which almost put out our torches, the sex-toys shop which had a special on K9 Poker Tour mantyhoses, the House of Poutine, the pharmacy and the record store featuring The Violent Femmes greatest hits. The animals all ran back to the pet shop and in their cages with BigM hiding behind the Bulldog.

"That bloody Pillock monkey of yours is crazy mate!!!". I know Zebediah, he's one hell of a Moody monkey!!! As I went to grab BigM, the Bulldog growled. Easy now big boy, I just want to take BigM home OK? "Calm down Bully, he's my best friend" said BigM. "Sorry bro, I thought you were one of those humans ready to give us a bad beat. Friggin donkeys will get you every time!!!" said Bully.

I grabbed BigM and along with Zebediah, tried to apologize to the store owner. "What's a matter for you??" she said. "What's a matter for me? What's a matter for you?" I replied. By now, BigM had taken off in fright in the hamster cage running for dear life in the hamster wheel but getting nowhere. When I turned my attention back to the manager, I was face to face with the most beautiful pet shop owner I had ever seen. Her name tag said Crafty. Boy this mall has employees with funny names. First Mouse, now Crafty. "I'm so sorry miss, I let my monkey watch Planet Of The Apes a few days ago and I think he took it a little too personal." "A little? A little too personal?" Crafty replied. "Look at this store and the rest of the mall!!! She was right, the pet shop looked like my basement after one of my barnyard-fun Saturday night parties. I looked out in the mall to see women standing on benches, kids crying and mall clerks singing HAKUNA MATATA - IT MEANS NO WORRIES to try and calm everybody down!!! The white mall floors looked like giant chocolate chip cookies for the thousands of rabbit droppings. A cat called Murry was running around with mice hanging by their tails between his teeth and giant plastic mall trees burning in flames, probably from the torches Zebediah and I were chasing the savage beasts with.

Again miss Crafty, I am very sorry. I will obviously pay for any damages done to your store and the mall itself. By the way, that is an unusual name you have there. "My name is Maria Gianpoeano Romano but my friends call me CraftyItalian". Ok CraftyItalian, I really am sor..."I SAID MY FRIENDS CALL ME CRAFTYITALIAN!!! You can call me Crafty" . Yikes, I guess you're still upset about this little incident...maybe I can call you CraftyIta which would make me partly a friend? "AAARRRGGGGGGGGGG!!!" screamed Crafty." Zebediah stepped in. "I apologize for my imbecilic bumbling friend's attitude...you just can't educate pork!!!".

I took down Crafty's store phone number, and promised to call her back for the cost of the repairs she and the mall owner will want from me. Despite all of this, Zebediah agreed to play heads up with me in the next few days, in order to get ready for our live Texas Holdem tournament.

Christmas Shopping with BigM.

You know what BigM and I hate almost as much as a rectal exam or rotten bananas? Christmas shopping!!!!!

Now don't get me wrong, Christmas season is my favourite time of the year. I remember my favourite Christmas present of all time. It was a talking Hillbilly doll. I called him HB. When you pulled on HB's pull-string, he would say "Hidee there Yungins. Yontto get crazier than a run over dog and clown around?" The first time BigM and I heard that, we ran and hid under the bed thinking HB was telling us to run and hide because some crazy clown named Yontto ran over our dog Shaggy with his car. Mom eventually explained to us that HB was asking us to get crazy and play with him. Whenever BigM and I would come home from Daisy's, our babysitter, BigM would go crying in the bedroom after the usual bullying he gets by the other toys because of his Plaidbanana. HB would say "Hey chimpboy, you gotta git tougher than a one-eard alley cat with them dawgs or they'll pick at you fer ever". To this day, I still don't know what the hell HB was talking about but BigM became more aggressive with the toys and they left him alone.

My love for the Christmas season is also due to the fact that I get a chance to spoil my daughter.
I remember when she was 2 years old and I had this huge desire to spoil her rotten. I dressed up as Santa and woke her up early Christmas morning, like I've done until she was 11. HoHoHo Santa would say, and Kayla would jump out of bed and hold santas hand leading him to the living room where BigM and HB would be sitting amongst the mountain of presents. Kayla would take so much time to open her gifts, HB would say "Lans-sake little one, hurry so I can pull out the shine and get lickered up". BigM would be right in there anxious to see what was in the packages. "That chimp is as nosy as a pet 'coon". By the time she was done opening her presents, daddy would be snoring away in bed alongside a drunk HB while Kayla and BigM played with her toys.

The only drawback to my favourite season is Christmas shopping. I don't drive, so the lovely experience of Christmas shopping for me is compounded by the fact that I have to bring all my gifts back home by bus. I have a habit of procrastinating when it comes to Christmas shopping. So our great adventure began on December 23rd, in the afternoon, during a violent Canadian snowstorm. I finally had BigM's Plaidbanana and 2 fingers sewn to his hand so he wasn't uncomfortable going out in public anymore. We stood at the bus stop in the blowing snow and minus 50 degree Celsius temperatures counting the wind chill factor. What a sight it must have been for the people driving by. A big trembling Uncle Fester-looking Frenchman wearing bright red ear muffs holding hands with a snow covered monkey protecting his frozen Plaidbanana from the harsh elements.

Finally, after 20 minutes, the bus came around the corner. BigM and I hugged each other like two survivors of a horrific avalanche seeing rescue helicopters coming to their aid. As the bus got closer, BigM and I pried ourselves from each other and braced ourselves for the long-awaited moment. But the bus didn't stop. It was full and just drove right by. BigM bolted out of my hands and grabbed on to the back of the bus. All of a sudden, I was chasing a bus with a lunatic monkey flapping in the wind from it's roof holding a frozen Plaidbanana. "Let go BigM, you don't know where you're going!!". "I can't, my hand is frozen to the top of the bus". So I chased the bus for 8 blocks. Luckily people were getting off at most of the stops and I finally caught up to it. "Excuse me sir, can you wait a minute so I can get my monkey off the top of your bus?" The driver reluctantly waited until I came back with BigM. We stood in the bus and noticed that the people were laughing at us. I guess you would laugh too if you saw a big bald headed man with a frozen face matching the color of his ear muffs, a white frostbitten nose holding a snow covered monkey clutching to his frozen Plaidbanana and icicles hanging from his Harryparatestes.

We finally got to the shopping mall. BigM and I sat down at the food court sipping on our hot chocolates and trying to get over that terrible ordeal. After a half an hour of thawing out and devouring a heaping bowl of poutine, I grabbed BigM and set out for the department store.
I sat BigM in the shopping cart and off we went. I needed to find all my presents in this mall because of the fact that I didn't want to be shopping mall hopping in a violent snowstorm on jam-packed buses.

I took out my daughter's Christmas gift list and went to the movies and music department. She wanted the"Dance Tunes 2007" CD but all BigM and I could find was the 2006 version. I found a department clerk to ask if they had more 2007 versions in the back or on display somewhere. His store name tag read "Mouse". "That's an odd name for a person" BigM and I thought, but we figured that it must be his nickname or something. "Hello mate, how may I help you?" I'm shopping for my daughter and was looking for the "Dance Tunes 2007" CD and all I could find is the 2006 version. "Are you off your trolley mate? It's December 23rd, you're lucky to have found the 2006 version". I looked down at my list and saw "Silent Hill" which is a horror movie that Kayla wanted to see. Do you have "Silent Hill" on DVD? "You're a real plonker aren't you? What kind of man let's his daughter watch such a film?" While this was going on, BigM was rubbing his Harryparatestes to dry off the remains of the icicles. "My god! your friend is playing with his rude bits, make him stop or take him to the loo". OK dude, never mind, I'll find what I'm looking for by myself.

Three hours later, BigM and I were able to find everything on Kayla's list except for the "Dance Tunes 2007" CD. By now, BigM is sleeping like a baby in the shopping cart sucking on his Plaidbanana. I head towards the nearest cash register and I find myself faced with the longest lineups imaginable. Each lineup extended through 2 store aisles There were 8 cash register counters but only 4 were open. It's December 23rd!!! Where is your staff??? I see 2 cashiers alongside their closed counters straightening out the candy and magazine sections leading to their cash registers. A third cashier walks up and asks if she needs to open her cash register. I sarcastically tell her "naw it's OK dear, why don't you just go and place the returned items of the day on the shelves where they belong, we're in no hurry". So she turns around and leaves. Now I'm fuming. I storm my way to the back of a line, waking BigM out of his deep sleep, and find myself waiting way back in the music department. There's that Mouse dude sitting behind his counter eating his lunch. He looks up at me and BigM and says "Hey mate, sorry about my rudeness earlier, it's been a long day. Nothing like playing a little bit of Noughts and Crosses eating Bangers & Mash along with Spotted Dick to ease the tension". BigM looks at me and says "isn't he playing Tick-Tack-Toe and eating sausage and potatoes with some sort of hot pudding?" Leave it alone BigM, just leave it alone.

An hour and a half later, we've paid for our purchases and get back to the food court. I now find myself sitting at a table with 12 huge bags of Christmas presents and a whining monkey screaming "I wanna go home" over and over and over. Jeez that monkey is moody!!!

Let's see now, we left the house at noon, and it's 6pm. There's no way I'm leaving here without rewarding myself for going through this horrible experience. I'm gonna get myself 2 large steak and cheese subs filled with all the ingredients they can fit and devour them at home with a litre of chocolate milk. Off we go... Uncle Fester wearing his bright red ear muffs, with his plush monkey holding a Plaidbanana in one hand, while in the other hand, 12 huge bags of Christmas presents and another containing my 2 subs. Of course, the snowstorm is even worse and there are no buses in sight. I now find myself sitting in a bus shelter with 12 huge bags of Christmas presents lined up on the floor, another holding my 2 prized subs, and a trembling monkey laying beside me screaming "There's no place like home, there's no place like home". I can hear the people around me giggling like little girls, but who can blame them, and who really cares. I just want to go home, lie on the couch eating my subs and washing it all down with 1 litre of chocolate milk. 25 minutes later, the damn bus gets here. With one hand, I grab BigM, who was now screaming "I'm playing with my rude bits" over and over and over, and grab the bags as quickly as I can before the bus decides to leave us behind.

Finally, we're on our way home. I've got BigM, the Christmas presents and my reward for going through this hellish experience, my su...Oh no!!! Where are the subs? I look out the bus window and there is my bag of subs, sitting in the bus shelter slowly fading away in the snowy night. STOP THE BUS!!! STOP THE BUS!! But it's too late. The bus is now going through the intersection and my subs are lost. Now people are screaming in laughter at the sight of a bald Uncle Fester-looking dude wearing bright red ear muffs, sitting on the bus floor surrounded by 12 huge bags of Christmas presents singing "they're coming to take me away aha, they're coming to take me away hehe hoho" with a crazy monkey holding a Plaidbanana, swinging over my head screaming "look at my spotted dick" over and over and over.

I love Christmas shopping!!!!

Coco and BigM - The Beginning.

I still remember when my parents first brought him home. I was 1 1/2 years old. My parents weren't very rich, so when they bought me something, it would be from the "reduced" shelf. Sure enough, they brought me a monkey wearing a red dress, dark sunglasses and holding a strange looking banana. He took off his sunglasses, and I couldn't believe what I was gazing at. That monkey had the sexiest eyes I had ever seen. I quickly grabbed him out out my mom's hands "What are you going to call him Coco?" I looked under his dress and the first thing that came to mind was "Harryparatestes". The monkey looked down at his crotch and laughed. I guess he can understand baby talk. "Why don't you call him BigM for Big Monkey?" says mom. Oh how original!!! I'm surprised she didn't name me BigN for Big Newborn!!! Oh Monkey, you like BigM do ya??? Whatever, BigM it is. But this dress has got to go. You're a boy monkey BigM!!!

The thing that fascinated me the most about BigM was that he could actually hold a plastic banana on his own. What was even more fascinating is that the banana wasn't yellow like the bananas mom fed me, it was checkered in yellow and green...It was a PlaidBanana!!!! I wanted that PlaidBanana and BigM knew it. He was a smart monkey though. Whenever I walked near him, he'd stick Plaidbanana up his butt so that I wouldn't want to touch it, but little did he know that I liked to play with my own doodoo, so it didn't faze me whatsoever.

One day, I decided "This is It!!!" I took my diaper of for more freedom of movement and because it was full of crap. As I walked by BigM, he stuck Plaidbanana in his usual spot. I pulled his arm out, grabbed Plaidbanana and ran. I figured that if I ran fast enough and swerved enough times, that the little bastard would eventually let go of Plaidbanana...so off we went, I ran up the stairs, bouncing him from step to step, hoping he'd let go, but he didn't!!! He looked at me and said "Why The Long Face?" ARGGGGHHH!!!! I dragged him down the hall, swerving from side to side, bouncing him of the walls, jumped over our dog, Shaggy, who bit BigM's butt and wouldn't let go. That banana is as good as mine now!!! Here we are, Shaggy and I playing monkey tug of war and BigM screaming hysterically. Then for some strange reason, Shaggy let go. BigM and I were now tumbling back down the stairs, our lives flashing before our eyes, both still holding on to Plaidbanana for dear life. We both landed in a pile of laundry. I opened my eyes, got up, and found myself with my head sticking out of one of my dad's underwear legs with my left leg sticking out the other. Little did I know that a similar incident would happen later in life. I looked back and there was BigM hanging like a Dingleberry with his arm and Plaidbanana up my tush!!! I looked up the stairs and Shaggy was apologetically staring at us. "What was that all about Shag? "POO" is all he said. "From that day, I came to realize that Plaidbanana was BigM's for good.

As the years went by, BigM and I became inseparable. We went to the playground together, the Shopping Mall, took walks in the stroller and of course we were together at Daisy's, the babysitter.I liked Daisy a lot!!! My heart would just melt when she called me SUGAR..."What can I get cha SUGAR" or "Time for your bath SUGAR". I couldn't get enough of that. BigM hated going to the babysitters. He liked Daisy but couldn't fit in with the toys. Most of the toys called him names cause he didn't have a yellow banana like the other monkeys. He had a Plaidbanana. They wouldn't let poor BigM, join in any monkey games. His only friend was MoreM, a cute little monkey who always carried around a rack of lamb with her. "Nice rack!!" BigM told her when they first met. I think MoreM liked BigM for his Plaidbanana. "I just love your big banana BigM, it's kind of a turn on." "It's not only how big it is MoreM, it's also how well I use it." Needless to say, they became an item.

BigM and I also loved watching TV. Our favourite shows were Scooby Doo, Captain Kangaroo and The Mighty Hercules. In Scooby Doo, everyone loved Daphne, the so-called redheaded bombshell with the hot legs but I was hot for Velma. She had that somewhat seductive but definitely authoritative voice, a trait in a woman that I've always loved even as of today. BigM hated the show because when the villain got caught, he or she would always say "I would have gotten away with it, if not for these meddling kids!!!" I guess he had a point but I still loved the show.

I loved The Mighty Hercules, especially Newton's song..."I'm glad, I'm glad, to have, to have, a friend, a friend, like Hercules, like Hercules, Like Hercules." I had a few problems with the show though. First off, all the monsters had the same darn growl/scream, whether it was a 4 headed dinausourous-like monster, or a big fat rooster-like eagle. Secondly, when any of the monsters were running at Hercules to beat the crap out of him, they would originally succeed and throw him 30 feet away. Hercules always had the time to reach into his pocket, slip his magic ring on, lift his arm up in the air, flashes of lightning hitting the ring to give him superpowers, and be able to brace himself and destroy the oncoming beast before it got to him. He also seemed to be able to reach behind a tree, a bush or a rock and grab his trusted sword.

BigM's favourite show was The Monkees (go figure). That show drove me crazy. BigM would jump around and sing "Hey Hey we're the Monkees, And people say we monkey around, But we're too busy singing, To put anybody down". WOW, THAT WAS DEEP!!!! What can you possibly get out of this song???

Needless to say, BigM and I were as close of friends as friends could be. Later on, I'll give you more details on my teenage years with BigM.

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder...My first Visit to Therapist.

Yes that's right, I have OCD. It's basically, in my case anyways, a psychiatric disorder most commonly characterized by having obsessive, and intrusive thoughts and related compulsions (tasks or rituals) which attempt to neutralize the obsessions. In my case, my brain won't trust what my eyes see and my rituals are checking (sometimes checking 10x) everything I do.

Now, I'm not making fun of people with OCD, just of myself lol.

About a year ago, I had my first appointment with my OCD therapist, we'll call her Dess. I remember when the therapist, Dess, first called me to set up that first appoitment, I said to myself "Wow does she ever have a seductive and authoratative voice!!!". We set up the appointment and I booked the day off from work.

The night before the appointment was a killer. I was a little anxious about the appointment which amplified my checking rituals. It was time for bed, so I had to go through my bedtime checking routine.

Television off, stare at it, still of, stare at it, still off...Computer off, light is dark on tower, light is still off on tower, still off, DARN LUCIFER (my cat) just walked in front of the tower so I have to start over...Computer off, light is dark on tower, light is still off on tower,still off...Oven knobs (5 off them GRRRR) Off-Off-Off-Off-Off left to right, Off-Off-Off-Off-Off right to left, 2 more Xs, MEEEOOOWWWWWWWWWW!!!!..Oh sorry Chucky (my other cat), I didn't see your tail COOCHEECOOCHEECOOO poor baby boy...DOH, gotta start the oven check all over!!!Off-Off-Off-Off-Off left to right, Off-Off-Off-Off-Off right to left, 2 more Xs, still off....Lights, front door, back door, you get the picture...

Alarm clock, now this is special...anyone with a clock radio alarm will understand...OK it's 11 o'clock with the dot, meaning that at midnight there won't be a dot, the alarm is set for 7 am without the dot, "push" the alarm is on...it's 11 o'clock with the dot, meaning that at midnight there won't be a dot, the alarm is set for 7 am without the dot, "push" the alarm is on...it's 11 o'cl DOHHH!!! the time changed to 11:01!!! It's 11:01 with the dot, meaning...I have to do all this within a minute or I have to start over again...phew, 11:09 and done, a pretty good night this time.

Well, it's appointment day with Dess, my therapist. Where's BigM??? There you are BigM, you're coming for another trip buddy... I promise this visit won't be as traumatic as the last one ok? Out we go, lock the door, turn the knob and push, it's locked, turn and push, turn and push, turn and push...Oh hello officer, what can I do for you? "I've been watching you for the last 20 minutes trying to break into this house, I'm afraid you'll have to come with me sir"...no officer, I live here, I'm just checking to make sure it's locked before I go, 20 minutes hey? not so bad...."Can I see some identification please, maybe your drivers license?" Sorry officer I don't drive but here's my buspass with picture..."how about a passport?" sorry officer, I don't fly...ever since 911 and also the fact that I realized that planes aren't suspended in the air by huge chains...tell you what officer, I'll open the door with this key, shouldn't that prove that I live here?After 20 minutes of the officer questionning me on what items were in each kitchen cupboard, he let me go.

The bus ride wasn't very amusing for BigM and I...people were staring at us the whole trip, probably because they thought it was strange to see a big bald guy holding hands with a little fury monkey whose 2 fingers are taped to one hand while a plastic banana is taped to the other. BigM had his face pushed against my side cause he hates being stared at.

While in the waiting room outside Dess's (my therapist) office, she came in and asked me to fill out this questionnaire to evaluate my degree of OCD..."it'll only take 5 minutes at most" she said. "Oh I see you brought a friend?" Hmm, why does that sound familiar?...Oh this is my friend BigM, he calms me down in situations of anxiety. I was taken aback by this lovely, 5'9" 138pd muscular woman with the seductive but authoratative voice, and reluctantly agreed to fill out the questionnaire...now why would you give a 4 page questionnaire to a person with OCD, especially me with my checking rituals???

Multiple choice questionnaire GREAT!!!
First question: Do you find yourself checking things more than once?
a) never b) sometimes c) often d) all the time...my answer is d!!!
Now I have to re-read the question and make sure that I chose an answer, chose the right answer and didn't misunderstand the question...ok 39 more questions to go!!! Dess comes back with a book in hand called "How to avoid stalkers in poker rooms"..."5 minutes is up, are you ready?" Umm, I'm at question 7...sorry...BigM covers his eyes with his taped-up hand, I guess he's embarrassed for me..."Oh ok, I'll come back in 5 minutes, but you don't have to make sure of all your answers OK?"...OK Dess...5 minutes later, "ready?" Umm I'm at question 20, I'm going a little faster right?..."OK mister Whissell, 5 more minutes OK?" Oh-Oh, there's that authoratative voice coming out Sighhhh!!!! BigM is hiding under my chair sensing friction...There, done after 15 minutes...Dess grabs the questionnaire out of my hands before I have a chance to re-check the answers again.

I grab BigM, who is now hiding in the coat rack, with his banana sticking out of one of the coat sleeves, and follow Dess to her office. It's a nice office...on her desk are a picture of I think is a dog, but looks more like a giant brown dinosaur or something, at the bottom it says "I love you Owen"...and another picture of some sexy bald guy flexing his muscles and wearing a silly Canada hat...at the bottom it says "What a Man!!!"

So here we are, Cocopoutine, BigM and Dess sitting in a therapists office...for some reason, I feel like the three of us have a connection somehow. "Hello, my name is Dess and I'm your therapist. We'll be working on your OCD together. Let's go over your questionnaire. Hmmmm, out of 40 questions, you've scratched out and re-answered 36 of them...the questionnaire is full of scratchings and circles over different answers!!!" Maybe you should have given me a pencil and eraser instead of the pen...sorry Dess.

The rest of the session was Dess asking me the questions over and her filling in my answers. It wasn't a great first impression with my therapist but we continued the work. I'll keep you posted on the improvements.

My Family Doctor.

This is a story about my first 12 years with my family doctor.

I first met him in 1995. His name is (and I'm not kidding) George Michaels which is strikingly similar to George Michael the singer.

On my way to my first ever visit, I thought I'd make a funny about his name, you know, to sort of break the ice. I sat in his office. When he walked in he said good day. My reply was "wake me up before you go go" which is a popular song from George Michael's days with the 80's group "Wham". I started giggling like a little girl because I thought that was pretty funny, but the doc just sat down and didn't acknowledge my joke. He looked up and said "I received your file from your previous doctor" and started questioning me on some of the information on that file.

LOL I thought to myself, he must have not heard me or something. After a few more questions, he said that in order for him to help me stay in good health, that I would have to make sure to take the medications he prescribed. I thought, "let's make another funny" so I replied "You gotta have faith a faith a faith, you gotta have faith a faith a faith" in me doc. Again I started to giggle only to have the doc say "you know, you're not the first person to make similar jokes with my name...it kinda gets stale after a while.

Yikes, an even more awkward moment. "Sorry doc, was just trying to be funny". He then filled out a form requesting blood samples and for me to come back in 2 weeks to discuss the results. Now anyone who knows me, knows that I love to make people laugh and it bugged me not to have been able to do that with the doc. But it was so awkward that I figured I'd leave it alone.

Two weeks later, I was back in the examining room and fighting my urge to make a joke about his name. The doc walks in and again says "good day". Before I could even think of the possible consequences, I replied "Hi doc, you know , I have all your albums, including your days with Wham"...Obviously, you guys can tell that I have a problem of saying the first thing that comes to my head and not be able to keep it in like most people can. He just stared at me and before he could say "YOU DAMN FRENCH IGNORANT MORON!!!" I said "sorry doc, it won't happen again"....So needless to say, we didn't get off on the right foot.

As the months and years went on, I saw him when needed and most often to try and control my tendency towards high blood pressure. Of course, he prescribed pills and told me that bettering my choice of food was very important. I took the pills and exercised fairly enough but the blood pressure would only get a little lower, not enough to satisfy the doc. He asked me "do you eat vegetables with your meals?"...I told him not really because they don't send you any with your pizza order except for the green peppers and mushrooms included in the toppings. "Do you often salt your food?" he asked..."well I like to salt my Poutine, it makes it taste better". Now for you non-Canadians, Poutine is a french Canadian treat that consists of french fries draped with curd cheese and smothered in gravy....

"What??? All you eat is pizza and poutine", he said. Of course not, I also eat frozen dinners the odd time. He went on telling me that pizza dough, cheese, gravy and french fries were definitely affecting my blood pressure. How often do you eat poutine? he asked...About 3 times a week I guess. "That's about 12 or 13 poutines a month...do you know what you're doing to your body??? Well if you look at it that way, I guess it's a lot. I also said to myself that the numbers were actually higher, and of course, I couldn't keep it to myself. "Actually doc, it's 3 times a week but I order 2 poutine's each time...you see there's a restaurant that has a combo special where you get 1 poutine, a pop and a pack of cigarettes for a great price...I don't smoke so I replace the smokes for an extra poutine. He wasn't impressed..."that means you eat 24 poutines a month??? and on top of that, you eat the occasional pizza and frozen dinners as well?" You have to stop this if you want to get your blood pressure down to normal, on top of clogging your arteries!!!!" Ok then, every second order, I'll get the extra poutine and keep the original cigarette combo the other times. That's only 18 poutines a month and I'll start smoking...is that better doc? Needless to say, he didn't laugh and told me to stop the poutines completely...I agreed to reduce the order to once a week and make it 4 poutines a month...but I'm weak so it's more like 18 poutines.

Hopefully I can keep the 18 poutines a secret...in my next post, I'll tell you guys about my first physical with the doc about 2 years ago.