A HillBilly New Year's Eve.

2012 is fast approaching. BigM, HillBilly and I are trying to figure out our plans for New Year's Eve.

Last year was one to remember. I thought it would be a great idea to take up New Year's Eve traditional celebrations from around the world. It would be even funner combining various traditions into one. I had read that Mexicans try to secure their happiness in the New Year wearing colorful underwear. Those who want to find love wear red underwear, while others wear yellow if they're seeking luck in the coming year. In Denmark, people throw dishes on their friends’ doors on New Year’s Eve. This is to let them know that they have many friends.

It took a lot of convincing in HillBilly's case, but at the stroke of midnight, and after a few drinks, the three of us went running through the neighborhood in nothing but checkered red and yellow underwear, singing Auld Lang Syne and throwing dollar store plates and coffee mugs at people's doors. I don't think the three of us ever laughed so hard, at least until an angry neighborhood posse started chasing us. Apparently, there's no Mexicans or Danes living in our neighborhood.

That didn't beat the year we decided to celebrate New Year's Eve with HillBilly's family way out in the Appalachia mountains.

As some of you might know, I don't go into anything unprepared. To make sure I had all my bases covered, as in the habits and lifestyle of hillbilly life, I rented all 9 season episodes of "The Beverly Hillbillies" for BigM and I to watch. Needless to say, I was fixated with Elly May Clampett, Jed's mountain beauty of a daughter. She had me from "Well, come on, baby... let's rassle". I dreamt of being caught in her Clampett Clamp for years...I actually still do.

After soaking in all the info I needed from the episodes, and purchasing all the long johns, straw hats, plaid flannel shirts, and denim overalls, I could find, we were off to the Appalachias.

Once there, we were greeted by HillBilly's cousin, Elmo.

"Cletus Bob!!!! Gitcher self over here, I kain't remember the last time I seen ya"....to this day, HillBilly swears he'll "be all over me like a cheap suit" if I ever call him Cletus Bob, so I never have.

Elmo looked over at BigM and I and you could tell he wasn't too sure about us. I guess the sight of me in my full-body red long johns, straw hat with a plastic whistle hanging in the front, and scruffy boots, with a monkey wearing a plaid flannel shirt holding a sign saying "I took my siphon hose to "show and tell"", may have been strange looking...I know the stewardesses and passengers on the plane and at the airport thought so.

Hi Elmo, my name is Luc, and this is BigM. You mind if I tickle you Elmo? Elmo looked over at HillBilly..."That guy sure acts quair"...but as usual, I couldn't help myself, so I tickled him..."Lans-sake!!! I got a good notion to give ya the awfullest gun blast dreckly on that tater trap of yours, your face will be uglier than a mud fence!!!"...I guess HillBilly was right when he told me that his cousin Elmo was "tougher than a one-eard alley cat" and that I should watch what I say to him...other than that, I think we hit it off pretty good.

We all hopped in his truck and headed to meet the rest of the clan. The neighborhood was deep in the mountains and consisted of barns, shacks, cabins and lots littered with old trucks, abandoned buses and numerous cars up on blocks.

Elmo brought us into his cabin where he lived with his grandparents, a maiden aunt, his sister, a widowed uncle, his parents, 3 dogs and six children, 5 boys and 1 girl. His mother introduced them all..."Hidee, my name is Sarabelle, this is my husband Cyrus, my pappy Clem and my ma Clarabelle, my sister Betty Jo, my brother Earl, our kids Homer, Ike, Wilbur, Bo, Cal and Annabelle, and Elmo's sister Elly May...

(I know, I know, you had to see this coming right??)...Elmo's baby sister's name was Elly May, just like Fred Clampett's sweet mountain beauty of a daughter I had fallen for in years past. She was a vision of beauty, with her hoop earrings and dressed in a pretty red and white checkered shirt, tied in the front over her belly button, wearing very short shorts and high heels which exposed her amazing red ankle bracelets. Tugging at her pigtails, she said "Arncha the cutest thang??"...

Before you knew it, I was in the same "I'm cute, I'm cuuuuute Clarisse/Rudolph mode" I was in after that little elf Esmeralda-Cassiopeia Wolfeschlegelsteinhausen told me I was cute at the shopping mall's Santa workshop, where I ended up covered in empty gift boxes and a mountain of styrofoam snow... Here I was dodging shotgun blasts from Elmo and HillBilly, as I was jumping around the cabin screaming "I'm cute, I'm cuuuuute", knocking over the coffee table which was really a used telephone cable spool, stuffed possums flying all over the place and tearing grandmas homemade fur coat...by the time I was done, I was head first in grandpa's wood stove with 3 dogs ripping the legs off my red long johns, a frightened monkey trying to pull a plastic whistle out of my ass and two angry Hillbillies bashing me with their shotguns.

I got up, looked at Elly May and said "My my, you're purty as a speckled pup"...which got me another twelve extra shotgun bashes over the head from her brother Elmo...as Elly May walked away smiling, she said "I shore hope you'll be at the New Year's Eve shindig tonight" and headed out the door.

...of course, you do remember this is a New Year's Eve story right? It's not like me to go off on a rambling tangent and deviate from a story line.

Later, I put on my good overalls and my checkered plaid shirt, hoping to impress Elly May. We had a huge supper before the party. Even the dogs had a place setting at the dinner table.

Elly May sat across from me at the table, which made it extremely hard for me to concentrate on not making a fool of myself during dinner. "Hey handsome" she said..."I kain't wait for tonight's hoe-down, yall daints with me wontcha?" as she batted her pretty green eyes at me...all of a sudden, I was singing an old Andy Griggs country song:

"I like blue eyes, hers are green

Not like the woman of my dreams

She's not the girl I pictured at all

In those paint by number fantasies I've had

So it took me by complete surprise

When my heart got lost in those deep green eyes

She's not at all what I was looking for

She's more"

Elly May was mine now, I knew it and I felt it, my beautiful song had captivated her, she said I sounded and reminded her of a cross between Elvis Presley and Cactus Slim The Lonesome Serenader ...it didn't matter that everyone around us was eating every last bit of the fish, fried possum, collard greens, turnips, peas, beans and cornbread...we were in love and nothing else mattered.

Later that night, we all showed up at the "Pickin and Singin" barn, and we were in for a treat. The dance was to be hosted by Billy (The Squeakin' Deacon) Blanchard, with music provided by Milton (Tiny) Simpkins.

The music was great. Milton had us hopping to classics from Elvis, Randy and the Pahlem Valley Boys, as well as the memorable hits from Curley Rash and His South Texas Playboys.

Everything was perfect. I was in love, and nothing else mattered. I had even forgotten about my buddies BigM and HillBilly. (Actually, I forgot about them at some point while writing this story, but it's too much trouble now to go back and work them in, I'll make sure they get mentioned before I'm done).

Elly May looked up at me and whispered "sumpin's on fire in me, and Iont thank I kain contain meself any longer...I kaint never could do nothin right...the last time I told sumone I loved him, he ran away like a scaled dog, faster than greased lightnin...

Now, as my mind started singing "well this car is automatic, it's systematic, it's hydromatic, why it's greased lightnin!! Go, greased lightnin', you're burnin' up the quarter mile, greased lightnin', go greased lightnin!!", and before I could proclaim my undying love for Elly May, some huge mountain of a dude grabbed me from behind and spun me around...he had to be at least ten feet tall, and believe it or not, his name was Jethro.

"Fer your infamation, Elly May is ma girl, and I aints gonna lose her to no clone-warin furner whoms no bigger than a 'tater bug!!!"..."and I'm fixin to make yo life Doodley-squat in the next minnit or two...so you stain or leavin, cawse dis ugly Amerikin home boy is gonna daints all over yore face an make you wonder wat you usta weigh with your teeth still in yore tater trap!!!"

I think I understand what Elly May meant when she said the last time she told someone she loved him, he ran away like a scaled dog, faster than greased lightnin....I grabbed BigM and HillBilly (you see, I told you I'd work them back in the story), looked at Elly May and Jethro, and said "Shucky dern!!! look at the time, it's purt nigh time to go!!! I aint known to be a guy with much a grain a sense, or as my friend HillBilly would say "his cornbread ain't done", but I thank I best be on my way, like maybe Oer yonner, wayyyy Oer yonner...as Toe-sayin' goes "when the going gets tough, the clone-warin furner Canadian gets the hell outta Dodge!!!!

Give my regards to Jed, Granny, and the rest of the Clampetts and Bodines.

As I ran away, crazier than a run over dog, with BigM and HillBilly under my arms, I swear I could hear Elly May and Jethro singing in the distance...

"Well now it's time to say goodbye to Luc and all his kin

They would like to thank you folks for kindly dropping in

You're all invited back again to this locality

To have a heaping helping of their hospitality

(Canadian Hillbillies, that's what they call 'em now,

Nice folks Y'all come back now, ya hear?)"

Looking For Love.

Funny how hard it is to find someone to go out with you, just on a date and maybe get to know each other over time and see where it can lead. It can get pretty frustrating sometimes.

I consider myself a slightly above average guy, putting a lot of emphasis on the word slightly, with so much to offer. I'm fairly cute, depending on your definition of the word cute, a pretty nice guy, with a slightly off-centered sense of humor, and am comfortable enough financially.

I was talking with my two favorite buddies, BigM and Hillbilly, about my love situation and they were just as perplexed as I am.

BigM, for anyone who doesn't know, is my all time best bud. He's been by my side since I was a little boy. That little monkey is actually cool because he can hold his plastic banana all on his own, and hasn't let go of it for more than 40 years now... I guess you can say he's pretty much attached to it.

Hillbilly is also a special friend, a little hot-tempered and sometimes hard to please, but still an important part of my life.

BigM is just as confused as I am on why I haven't been able to have a meaningful relationship lately, because he think I'm a slightly above average guy as well, again with emphasis on the word "slightly".

He recalls one time when the three of us went to see Santa Claus at the mall, to give him our Christmas wish list and get our annual picture with Santa.
BigM and I were like two little kids, BigM sitting on my head, as I'm skipping and hopping through the mall singing "Put One Foot in Front of the Other", and "I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas", no crocodiles, no rhinoceroses...I only like hippopotamuses, and hippopotamuses like me too.

It must have been a strange site to others, especially with Hillbilly chasing and screaming "Shut yur Tater Traps!!! Ya'll better keep runnin cawse I brung my gun, and whens I catcha, I aim to shootcha both and take ya'll dreckly to the crik out bak!!!!"....like I said, Hillbilly is a little hot-tempered, a little rough around the edges.

We eventually got to Santa's Castle. BigM and I didn't care that the lineup was extremely long because we knew Santa was in our horizons. Hillbilly wasn't so pleased. "I don't like this vaymuch"...pretty calm response for Hillbilly actually.

Forty five minutes later, during which BigM and I had to pry Hillbilly off a little boy who kept tugging at his beard and explaining to the mall cop that Hillbilly was just kidding when he told the boys mother "Lans-sake!!! diduhnit occur to ya fer a minnit that yontto git yer little varmint of my face cawse I kain't take it, and I've got a mind to chunk the little rugrat oer yonner in dat purty little saspool yuz call a water foutain!!!, we were finally near the front of the line.

BigM and I were sooo excited...we could actually see Santa and could barely contain ourselves. Before we got four words into "Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer", Hillbilly was nipping at my heels, well actually kicking and bashing them with his shotgun, so we had to stop.

Through his anger, I could also sense that Hillbilly seemed nervous, maybe like he was a little scared of something. It reminded me of the look he had that one time when BigM and I threatened to take away his styrofoam cooler and siphon hose, unless he covered up his girlfriend's name that he sprayed on an overpass.

I asked Hillbilly "are you ok bud?" He didn't reply, but I could see he was nervously staring at Santa. "What's wrong Hillbilly?" You don't like Santa or something?" "I ain't skeered, I don't know why you brung me here, that's all...ok, maybe I'm a bit skeered...I think I'm claus trophobic or sumpin...I don't trust him, I thank he's crookeder than a dawg's hind leg, and ugly as a mud fence." "Claus trophobic?? ok Hillbilly, you can just watch BigM and I sit on Santa if that makes you feel better.

Finally, it was our turn. The three of us walked towards Santa's throne, Hillbilly peeking around me while BigM hopped frantically on my shoulders. BigM and I walked up to Santa and sat on his lap while Hillbilly stood off to the side hesitantly.

"Have you both been good little boys this year", Santa said. We both said yes, but I knew it wasn't actually true in my case, but I can't get into that right now because it'll take too long and I don't want to deviate from the fact that this story is about my being able to find someone to go out on a date with me, you do remember that this is what this story is about right? I'm getting there, I promise.

Anyways, we both gave our Christmas gift wishes, mine being "Golden Girls action figures, Baby Blinkins (I just love when you squeeze them, their wings light up and glow in rainbow colors)" and "The Wild Puffalumps" because I thought their Aloha Shirts were cool.

We both kissed Santa and took our picture with him. Hillbilly was off to the side, seemingly flirting with one of Santa's elves. "My my!! yur as purty as a speckled pup arncha?"I grabbed BigM and hurried over to intervene and apologize. As I got closer, I could see that this wasn't your ordinary elf. When our eyes met, I had that same feeling as I had when I first saw Neytiri from the Avatar movie.

The pretty elf looked at me and said "hello". "I see you Neytiri, I see you" was all I could say. "I'm sorry, I meant hello, and I apologize for my friend Hillbilly's actions." That's ok, I think he's cute, just like you :)...I suddenly started jumping up and down like Rudolph did after Clarice told him he was cute..."I'm cute!!! I'm cuuuuuute" is all I kept screaming as I was hopping over and through the fake wrapped gift boxes laying all over the place, finally ending up on my rear end under Santa's Christmas tree, all covered by a mound of fake styrofoam snow.

The cute elf came and helped BigM and Hillbilly get me out from under the rubble, before the mall cop even got a whiff of what was going on.

I offered to buy her something to eat for her lunch (luckily for me this so happened to be her lunch break, good timing I guess), and much to my surprise, she accepted my invitation after all that commotion.

"My name is Esmeralda-Cassiopeia Wolfeschlegelsteinhausen" she said with her angelic soft voice. "Nice to meet you Esmeralda-Cassiopeia, my name is Luc, but my friends call me coco, some call me cueball, stupid dumbass bitch on a few occasions. You can call me anything you want really, just don't call me late for dinner"...

I know, I know, it's a corny line, and probably wasn't necessary since she was already willing to talk to me, even after the Rudolph being cute incident, but I couldn't help it. Much to my surprise though, she smiled and said I was cute again. Fortunately, I didn't start jumping around again screaming "I'm cute!! I'm cuuuuute, probably because Hillbilly had already tackled me to the ground telling Esmeralda-Cassiopeia "he's a sandwich shy of a picnic, but he means well".

The four of us walked over to the food court. Esmeralda-Cassiopeia and I had a Subway sandwich and a Fruitopia Orange Undercurrent. I debated between the Orange Undercurrent and the Cherry Vanilla Groove, but finally settled on the Orange. We both seemed in a trance, gazing into each others eyes, oblivious to everything around us, not even noticing Hillbilly fighting with the Sushi counter server. "Watcha mean you don't know what Beef Jerky and Moon Pies are? you got any possum? unbeknownst to ya, thems good vittles!!!" BigM was at MacIntosh and Watts looking at commemorative plates...to this day, I still can't figure out why.

We had a great time, both hanging on every word each had to say. I truly thought that Esmeralda-Cassiopeia Wolfeschlegelsteinhausen actually liked me, and I knew she did.

Her lunch hour was almost over, so I asked her if I could see her again. BigM and Hillbilly were back and were holding their breath waiting for her reply. She said she would absolutely love to see me again. "Maybe you can pick me up Friday, here's my address and phone number."

I thought, this is great. This beautiful elf, Esmeralda-Cassiopeia Wolfeschlegelsteinhausen, thinks I'm cute, doesn't mind that I go around in public with a furry little monkey holding a banana, and a crusty old redneck Hillbilly who hates the world, and still wants to see me again.

"Friday sounds great Esmeralda-Cassiopeia. Do you know which bus number goes by your house? I know I can catch either the #12 or #124 to the mall, but I'm not sure which bus I need to transfer on to get to your house. It doesn't have to get me right at you place...any bus that goes within a few blocks or so would be great. I'll make sure I get an extra few sheets of bus tickets in case we decide to do dinner and a movie, in case both aren't close by. If we try and eat fast enough at dinner, we'll be able to use out bus transfers to get to the movies and not waste more tickets. I'll check the Website for the bus schedule."

Funny, but all of a sudden, I didn't feel so cuuuuute anymore. I suddenly felt like Rudolph and his misfit friends Hermey and Yukon Cornelius...BigM looked at me and said "Hey Rudolph, what do you say we both be independent together, huh? You wouldn't mind my red nose,? Not if you don't mind me being a dentist. It's a deal!!!" Hillbilly chimed in "This fog's as thick as peanut butter!" "You mean pea soup." BigM replied. "You eat what you like, and I'll eat what I like!"

As I watched Esmeralda-Cassiopeia Wolfeschlegelsteinhausen walk away in her pretty little green elf costume, after flipping me the bird, I realized something...

No matter how slightly cuuuute a guy can be, and I put a lot of emphasis on slightly, or how nice a personality he might have, or how good he is in the kitchen (I actually made scrambled eggs for the first time in my life last week, and apparently they were great), a woman will be colder than a welldigger's behind towards you, as my friend Hillbilly would say, if you offer to pick her up for a date via public transportation.

Who Knew?

As some of you know, I've spent the last year shedding off the pounds, not only for health reasons, but also for the fact that my infatuation for Neytiri, the giant smurfette-like goddess in "Avatar", isn't quite going in the direction I was hoping for, as in I may actually never meet her, and it's possible that I'm actually letting wonderful and exciting women pass me by in the process. I find it hard to believe, 2 years later, that Neytiri and I haven't crossed paths, especially for the fact that every time I went to see her at the theater, she always told me that she sees me, and I would always say it to her, even to this day..."I see you, I see you Neytiri". So I guess it's time to move on and hopefully meet someone special. Hopefully the weight loss and the fact I've finally let go of the notion that Neytiri is the only one for me, will help me change my "single" Facebook status.

The weight loss journey had it's up and downs, literally, with 90 pounds lost before this past summer, then gaining 30 pounds of it over the summer, and now losing that 30 pounds and as of now, losing another 10. So if my math is correct, the journey so far has netted me a total loss of...well it's a lot anyways....and I'm planning on losing a good 20 more, all with exercising and eating the right foods.

Which brings me to a question a lot of people have been asking me of late, well on top of questions about my sanity, but that's for another time and place.

What people are asking me is how the heck have I been able to lose so much weight, and willing and probably able to lose more?

Here is a list of things I realized I was doing wrong and corrected accordingly:

1- Online poker isn't a physical sport - spending 8 hours a day suffering bad beat after bad beat after bad beat after...and freaking out on other players calling them donkeys among other things, doesn't burn calories like a good jog or a walk would do ~Who Knew?~

2- Poutine isn't a healthy food choice - I know, I know, it's hard to believe, especially when momma always told me that vegetables are good for you, and the last time I checked, potatoes are a vegetable...little did I know that potatoes had more calories than broccoli or cucumbers...and I guess if you factor in the calories from the oil you fry the chips in, the cheese curds, the gravy, and the accompanying Pepsi and couple of Joe-Louis on the side, it may tend to be a little much calorie-wise ~Who Knew?~

3- An exercise bike isn't just for hanging clothes - odd but true...the backrest actually isn't for your shirts and pants, nor are the pedals for hanging your socks and underwear, the seat isn't a platform to pile your dirty laundry on ~Who Knew?~

4- A box of Hamburger Helper makes a meal for 4 people...what a revelation!!! I really think they should make that fact a little clearer on the box, maybe devote one side of the box, THE WHOLE SIDE, maybe write "IF YOU CAN'T FIT THE MEAL IN A BOWL, IT MAY BE A SIGN THAT YOU SHOULD SHARE WITH OTHERS" or something to that effect...again ~Who Knew?~

5- A skillet is not considered a plate or a bowl...see #4 ~Who Knew?~

6- Tupperware-like containers actually aren't bowls for chips, peanuts, chocolate covered almond, butterscotch pudding, popcorn swimming in butter, jujubes or anything else you want in big quantities so you don't have to get up off the couch and go get more...they can actually be used to keep leftovers, like maybe 3 servings of Hamburger Helper (see #4 again), the same for Tuna Helper, maybe half a turkey and potato pie, 3 quarters of a lasagna meant for 4 people...~Who Knew?~

* Funny how a lot revolves around #4.

7- Watching sports on TV isn't the same as participating in them...mass clicking the remote from one game to another to avoid commercials or Montreal Canadien fans cheering a goal, no matter how fast you do it, doesn't burn too many calories...nor does switching positions on the couch from sitting to lying down...reaching in and out of your tupperware bowl for chips, peanuts, chocolate covered almond, butterscotch pudding, popcorn swimming in butter or jujubes, doesn't count as exercise either...again ~Who Knew?~

* On a side note, did you ever notice that near the upper side of a Hamburger or Tuna Helper box, they have this " Press and tear back top" tab, that you're supposed to push your finger through in order to be able to tear the top of the box off? Do you actually know how impossible it is to actually push your finger through that tab? it's impossible ok? I've never been able to do it and I will never try again!!!!

8- Vegetables are a better side dish option than bread...I always thought it was natural to dip a couple, ok maybe six, slices of bread in a skillet, I mean bowl, of Hamburger Helper...cucumbers and carrots just don't soak up the saucy juices like bread does...unfortunately, the stupid calorie-count factor comes in again...~Who Knew?~

9- Beer makes you gain weight...hard to believe since you seem to relieve yourself of it more than you actually drink, but apparently it's true...~Who Knew?~

10- A vegetable steamer?? Is that what that is? Did you ever try cleaning one of those suckers after warming up a batch of gravy for your poutine...~Who Knew?~

11- Topping off a fast food order with a diet pop doesn't make it much better...a 10 piece bucket of KFC fried chicken, fries, and a tub of macaroni salad, oh and don't forget the gravy, can't do without the gravy, won't be a less fattening meal if you have a diet Pepsi as opposed to a regular one...same goes for a medium pizza with a side of deep fried zuchini and garlic dip...not even with an order of Chinese food consisting of 6 egg rolls, sweet and sour chicken balls, sweet and sour breaded shrimp, garlic spare ribs, General Tsao chicken and mushroom egg foo young...~who Knew?~

This is how I've been able to lose the weight I have so far, and will lose more in the coming months.

I've also just realized that my life revolved a lot around Hamburger Helper...~Who Knew?~

Lunch.

Today was a good day. I went for a walk then decided to spend some time at St-Laurent Shopping Centre, not to shop, but just to walk around, although I did end up buying a cheap bath mat shaped like a foot, at the dollar store :)

I spent some time at the food court, enjoying my Ham Subway Sub and witnessed something that was at the same time heartwarming, then turned into something quite a bit less.

The heartwarming part of my story began when I noticed this cute older couple, making their way past the food court. The gentleman was pushing his wife on her wheelchair, even though it looked like he could have used a bit of help doing so as you could see that he was struggling. I watched them make their way past one food kiosk to the next, the man struggling but determined to keep going. It was an amazing sight for me to see. I felt bad because I could see it wasn't an easy task for him to do, but at the same time, I thought "WOW", this guy really loves her to make the time, and the obviously painstaking effort to take his woman out to lunch and enjoy an afternoon with her when they could have easily stayed at home for a quiet day. Eventually, I lost sight of them and continued eating my sub.

A good 15 minutes later, I saw them again, taking the same path one kiosk to the next...I then realized that they had gone all around the food court looking for a table to sit and eat at, as it was lunch hour and the food court was packed. A table for two cleared up as they were passing it by, about 3 tables from where I was sitting, and I thought, this is great, or else I was getting ready to get up and give them my table for two, even though I was still in the middle of my lunch.

What happened next made the story less heartwarming. As the couple was maybe 5 feet from the table, slowly walking towards it, 2 guys, probably in their early 20s, big strong healthy guys, rushed in and laid claim to the spot.

Now, anyone who knows me knows that I was just cringing inside, not mad at the guys, but just feeling so bad about the situation. As the guys stood in front of the chairs, unloading their backpacks, the lady kindly asked them "are you boys sitting here?" For a second, I thought, thank goodness, these guys probably didn't see the couple as they were walking towards the table, and will offer them the seats. My cringe became more intense when one of the guys replied "yes we are" and sat down.

At that moment, I think my heart sank way down to my toes. I couldn't believe what I had just witnessed. I mean, this couple wasn't asking them if they were going to sit there just out of curiosity, it was there nice and polite way of asking if they could sit here because they were tired and needed to sit down.

The nice couple didn't say anything, they just turned around and started walking away, obviously to try and find another table.

What troubled me the most about this is that the 2 guys seemed like your typical, average guys who looked and seemed like respectful normal dudes, just at the mall chilling and not there to cause trouble or anything.

Obviously, well to me anyways, there was no way I was going to let this couple walk away looking for another table.

I waved at them and told them to come and take my table, even though I was still enjoying my lunch. They didn't want to take the table, and you could see that they felt bad, but they walked over and accepted. I pushed one of the chairs away so she could park her wheelchair while the man took my seat, he looked so exhausted. They thanked me.

As I was rounding up my things and putting my jacket on, the lady asked her husband if he could get her a sub at Subway, and he replied "let me just catch my breath sweetheart, and I'll get us some". Again, I felt so bad and offered to get the food for them. They didn't want me too, but I insisted. I told them, if you don't tell me what you want, I might come back with subs you don't like, so you better tell me what kind of subs that you want lol. Reluctantly, they told me a full Assorted Sub that they would share and a small white milk each.

When I came back, they were so appreciative and already had the money out on the table for me. I told them not to worry about the money. The man shook my hand while the lady told me that I had a gentle heart. I told them to enjoy there lunch and that it was nice meeting them.

Now, don't get me wrong here, I'm not writing this to toot my own horn, because I know that everyone related to me family-wise as well as my friends, would have done the same, and more people of course.

It just gives me another example at how society is changing, as in respecting and caring for others, whether you actually know them or not. I'm not saying that those 2 guys are bad people, they probably didn't even realize what they had done, which is what I'm getting at...it should just have come naturally to them to get up and offer that couple their table, people should just be able to care and love others without having to think about it, it should just happen.

The whole incident also showed me something about true love. That cute couple has probably been together their whole life, and that man was taking his wife out for lunch, pushing her around in her wheelchair in a shopping mall even though it was an extreme physical effort for him to do so, probably because it makes her happy to be out and about amongst other people.

So lunch was interesting for me today. It reinforced my beliefs on what true love is all about, my beliefs on naturally caring about others and my belief that I LOVVVVE Subway subs :)

PotLuc. (Luc is my name :))

IF YOU ARE READING THIS POST FIRST, GET OUT!!! JUST KIDDING...SOMETIMES, MY BLOGS KINDA FOLLOW EACH OTHER STORYLINE-WISE SO IT WOULD BE BETTER IF YOU READ THEM FROM THE ONES AT THE BOTTOM OF THE PAGE AND WORKING YOUR WAY UP AKA OLDEST TO MOST RECENT UNLESS OF COURSE YOU'VE READ THE OTHER ONES ALREADY.
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This stems from a simple e-mail from my brother Claude reminding the family about our Potluck lunch this weekend for our mother's birthday. He made the mistake of leaving out the "k" in potluck, so here is what I replied to all :)
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Here's some ideas for the PotLuc lunch...

1. Lucstickers or dumplings – In a non-stick pan, put a little bit of oil (actually, maybe a lot of oil so his ass doesn't stick to the pan). When the oil is hot put in the lucstickers flat side down (if you can find a flat side to luc). Then add water just enough to cover about a quarter of the lucstickers’ height or at least to cover his ass and half of his belly. When all the water is absorbed, he'll look like a cross between the Micheline man and an oversized version of Mr. Clean with water dripping out of his ears and his bottom will start to brown. Continue cooking until it’s golden brown (or until Luc screams "MY ASS IS WAY PAST GOLDEN DAMMIT, TAKE ME OUT!!!). Arrange on a platter and put a dipping sauce on the center .

2. Luc rolls- If you are in a hurry you can buy frozen Luc rolls, and then just bake them in the oven. Costco has big packs of Luc rolls and they come with the dipping sauce too.

3. Bacon wrapped Lucs – Wrap each Luc with half a strip of bacon (maybe a little extra bacon if you want to wrap more than his pinky finger). Secure with a toothpick, or maybe a sawed-off hockey stick. Broil until golden brown or until he screams again.

4. Devilled Lucs – Slice the boiled Lucs lengthwise. You can also slice them “zig zag” so they look nicer, or maybe in every direction possible to make him suffer even more dammit!!!. Very carefully take out the guts, as he might feel a little discomfort and bite your hand off, and put them in a separate bowl. Mash the guts and add mayonnaise (or Miracle Whip), salt and pepper. Mix them well. Spoon the filling into the Luc white halves. You can arrange these devilled Lucs on a platter lined with lettuce leaves so they do not slip or move, but believe me, the only slipping Luc will be doing is slipping into a coma and he ain't moving. Cover with plastic saran wrap until serving time.

5. Caesar Luc – Chop fresh Luc. Wash Luc, and use Luc spinner to spin him dry. Arrange in a bowl and top with chopped cucumber, tomatoes, sliced boiled eggs, shredded cheese and croutons. Drizzle with salad dressing just before serving.

6. Pasta Luc – Cook Luc and rinse with cold water. Drain well as not to drown him in the bowl. Add small cubed pieces of cheese, zucchini, olives and cherry tomatoes. Add desired dressing just before serving.

7. Luc tray – You can buy Luc trays ready made so you do not have to do any preparation. You can bring a dip to go with the Luc tray.

8. Luc dip – Buy a pack of frozen Lucs and let thaw completely. Take as much water out as possible by pressing Luc into a very large colander or sticking a large pin in him for quick drainage. Word of caution: if using the pin method, stand clear as Luc may do one of two things...1) explode like a giant water balloon hitting the pavement after a 10-story drop from a building or 2) start spraying all over the place like a kid's summer water sprinkling toy name Ollie the Octopus because you probably made the puncture too small for the amount of water needed to get out of Luc, which would naturally create hundreds of punctures all over him. In a separate bowl, mix 1 cup mayonnaise and 1 cup sour cream. Add a packet of soup mix. Mix all together, then transfer to a nice bowl or a barrel. Serve with sliced vegetable sticks like celery, red and green pepper and carrots. To make it extra fancier you can serve this Luc dip on a hollowed out center of sourdough bread. Sprinkle with paprika. Serve with cubed bread if desired.

9. Spaghetti with Lucballs – Cook the spaghetti. Rinse and drain well. Saute chopped onions then add frozen Lucballs. Add pasta sauce or tomato sauce, water, salt, black pepper, basil and oregano spices. Simmer until Lucballs are soft, and maybe massage them a little to keep him interested. Mix with the drained spaghetti and top with shredded cheddar cheese and parmesan cheese.

10. Shrimp and grape tomato Lucs – Soak the Lucs in hot water for about 20 minutes or until he screams "I AM NOT AN ANIMAL, I AM A HUMAN BEING!!!". In a small bowl mix together crushed garlic, lemon juice, olive oil, freshly chopped dill (or dried), salt and pepper. Coat the shrimps with this mixture. Then thread the shrimp and tomatoes alternately on the Luc. Grill until the shrimps are done or until Lucs ass is about to discolour!!!.

11. Luc rolled in flour tortillas – In a small bowl mix mayonnaise or Miracle Whip and shredded cheese. Next take a flour tortilla and top it with a slice of Luc. Spread the mixture over Luc. Then roll it up, and slice into bite size pieces. Secure with or a sawed-off hockey stick.

12. Luc salad on crackers – In a bowl mix Luc, finely chopped tomatoes, Miracle Whip or mayonnaise (or salad dressing), and season with salt and pepper. If you want some greens on it you can add herbs like chopped cilantro or dill. Mix well. Serve on crackers.

13. Luc salad – Boil Luc, then peel and slice him into cubes. We're not sure which of the three steps Luc hates the most, so you might want to use extreme caution during all three. During the boiling process, you might want to put a lid on the pot to muffle the excess screaming. During the peeling stage, you may want him to bite down on a stick and sing him some Miley Cyrus songs to distract him. By the slicing into cubes stage, he'll either be dead or completely be beside himself to be of any danger. Add chopped hard-boiled Lucs, chopped celery, salt, dijon mustard, and mayonnaise or salad dressing. Toss well. Chill before serving.

14. Luc – People love plain Luc! Slice him into chunks or triangles and arrange him on a platter.

15. Baked Luc – This is a time saver for potlucks too. Buy a frozen Luc and bake him. Spinach Luc is a good choice too since it’s healthier than all meat.

16. Luc pate – You can buy a ready to eat canned (actually barreled) Luc pate, or you can also improvise your own which is just as delicious. Mix canned Luc, cream cheese, a squeeze of lemon, season with salt and pepper. You can also add herbs like chopped parsley, cilantro or dill. Cover with plastic wrap and chill before serving. Serve with crackers.

17. Baked Luc nuggets – Put Luc in a bowl, and drizzle olive oil to lightly coat him. Season with coarse salt and pepper. Bake until done or until he screams. It’s simple and delicious!

18. Mini Lucs – Make several Luc fillings and spread on Luc. You can trim off Luc if you prefer but it might take a while for the trimming cause he's not good with diets. Slice into triangles. Stick colorful toothpicks. If the slicing into triangles doesn't kill him, you might hear screaming during the sticking of toothpicks process. Suggested Luc fillings: (1) Egg Salad. (2) Chicken salad . (3) Tuna salad – mix drained tuna with chopped celery and mayonnaise or salad dressing. Season with salt and black pepper. Mix well. Arrange the mini Lucs on a platter. Miniature Lucs are great potluck ideas because most people like small serving sizes. You may need a few extra hours to actually turn Luc into small serving sizes

Coco Mills Cereal

IF YOU ARE READING THIS POST FIRST, GET OUT!!! JUST KIDDING...SOMETIMES, MY BLOGS KINDA FOLLOW EACH OTHER STORYLINE-WISE SO IT WOULD BE BETTER IF YOU READ THEM FROM THE ONES AT THE BOTTOM OF THE PAGE AND WORKING YOUR WAY UP AKA OLDEST TO MOST RECENT UNLESS OF COURSE YOU'VE READ THE OTHER ONES ALREADY.

The "COCO" franchise is expanding all over the world and lately, in different types of venues.

It all started with poker, specifically at K9 Poker Tour / K9 Poker Room.

The original Coco, coconeely, slowly and gingerly nestled himself in the poker environment like a mackerel finding his way amongst the dolphins and sharks of the poker world. The coconeely mystique was allowed to grow with consistent poker play along with crazy and coocoo-like behavior patterns.

This PHENOMENON is unlike John Travolta's 1996 discovery that he has super-intelligence and telekinesis. Although coconeely has in depth knowledge of English Political and Military History, especially in The Battle of Madagascar (those poor little monkeys), he can't really be considered super-intelligent. As far as telekinesis, coconeely admits that he really hasn't had any family members on television, other than maybe his half-uncle Coco Beware, not to be mistaken for BoBo Brazil, who performed regularly in televised World Wrestling Federation matches.

The Coco mystique has attracted a variety of friends and followers along with the odd foe. It has since spawned players like cocowhiss, cocobaldy, cocobruin, coco80, cocoguppy, cocopoutine, cococoocoo and the newest and upcoming star of online poker, cocowheresmycurdcheese or cocowmcc.

The consistent climb in popularity of our COCO poker franchise has been fairly well recognized in the online poker community and will continue to grow as it infiltrates the different poker venues online poker has to offer.

During that time, the Coco franchise has branched out into other markets.

We decided to tackle the breakfast cereal world. Coco Mills joined the market on January 5th, 2007. Our first and signature product was CocoPuffs, with that Great Chocolatey Taste!!!

We've been in costly court battles with General Mills in order to keep our cereal line on the grocery shelves. Along with our somewhat similar company name, General Mills considered our CocoPuffs too close to their "Cocoa Puffs" brand name.

Here's an explanation of our arguments:

On the "Mill's" similarity issue, we contend that there is a precedent. "Wal-Mart" and "Michael Vick's Dog Grooming Mart" have been co-existing for years as have "Chucky Cheese" and "Raoul's Cut-The-Cheese" air freshener supplies.

As for the "CocoPuffs" versus "Cocoa Puffs" comparison, other than the obvious fact that our version is a 1-word title without the "a", their cereal consists of small "puff" spheres that have been chocolate-flavored with cocoa produced from cacao trees. Our chocolatey flavor comes from a special chocolate dipped in the Indian River off the shores of the city of Cocoa Florida... If you ever visit the city of Cocoa, make sure you attend the "Mommy and Me Luncheon" which is a fun luncheon for Moms and children where moms can enjoy facials, massages and half hour all-u-can-get sessions with local cabana boys while their children are entertained with Magic Shows, Storytelling and daily showings of Michael Jackson's 2 new mini movies, "Beat It, Little Johnny and I are Napping" and "Thriller Without Pj's".

General Mills also thought that our mascot's name, "Johnny the Coocoo Turd" was too similar to their " Ronny the Cuckoo Bird". Even our catchphrase "I'm Coocoo for CocoPuffs" was negatively compared to their "I'm Cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs".

Johnny the Coocoo Turd promoted the fact that CocoPuffs consists of a mixture of 5 different shaped turds, as opposed to our competitor's round or spherical shaped puffs. There's the "Star Turd", "Teddy Turd", "Banana Phone Turd", "Elephant Turd" and "Spaceship Turd".

During the holiday seasons, CocoPuffs' turd mixture varies to "The Rabbit Turd" for Easter, a mixture of "The Santa Turd" and "The Reindeer Turd" for Christmas, and for Halloween, a mixture of "The Bat Turd", "The Pumpkin Turd", "The Ghost Turd", "The Linus Waiting in the Pumpkin Patch for The Great Pumpkin Turd" and "The We Have No More Candies Sign In The Door Turd".

As of today, we are still battling in court to keep CocoPuffs on the shelves.

We haven't let our legal battles slow us down though. We've added a new brand to our cereal lineup, the mixed berry flavored "Captain DingleBerry" with our superhero mascot's famous catchphrase "You Just Can't Wipe Away the Great Taste of Dingle Berries".

We currently have a promotion for kids of all sizes. With 2 proofs of purchase from either our CocoPuffs or Captain DingleBerry cereal boxes, as well as 1 proof of purchase from either Charmin's Ultra-Strong or Ultra-Soft Bathroom Toilet Paper, you can order either our "Johnny The Coocoo Turd" or "Captain Dingleberry" action figures.

We are also pleased to announce that our two fierce mascots will appear in a comic book series.
The first 2 editions are "Johnny The Coocoo Turd makes a splash", where our fearless Johnny fights off being flushed to extinction, and "Captain Dingleberry meets Bidet Man" where our superhero clings for his life in a fierce watery jet attack.

We are in the process of adding a new brand to our cereal line. Let's hope General Mills or other companies don't go out of their way to find a problem with our proposed product name.

It will be called "Prix" which will consist of a mixture of Michael Vick and O.J. Simpson shaped puffs. "Prix" will be aimed at the adult population. Our mascot, the Prix Hobbit, is actually a pygmy offshoot of a child-like rabbit. The kid hobbit will keep trying to trick adults into giving him a bowl of "Prix" cereal, but he'll be discovered every time, and the adults will say, "Silly hobbit, Prix aren't for kids."

I am extremely proud at how the Coco franchise has grown. First the online poker world and now the breakfast cereal establishment along with the different possibilities deriving from our two lovable mascots.

Believe it or not, there are actually more existing franchises in the Coco empire as well as future ventures that we are working on as we speak. I will enlighten you on these other franchises and future ventures in the coming days.

Kidney Stones - Oh the Pain!!!

IF YOU ARE READING THIS POST FIRST, GET OUT!!! JUST KIDDING...SOMETIMES, MY BLOGS KINDA FOLLOW EACH OTHER STORYLINE-WISE SO IT WOULD BE BETTER IF YOU READ THEM FROM THE ONES AT THE BOTTOM OF THE PAGE AND WORKING YOUR WAY UP AKA OLDEST TO MOST RECENT UNLESS OF COURSE YOU'VE READ THE OTHER ONES ALREADY.


OK, by now, you all think my life is centered around doctors and a little monkey carrying a Plaidbanana. Well you're right!!!

About 4 years ago, I had the worst and most painful experience of my life.
It started in bed in the middle of the night. At that time, I was living with my now ex-fiancee, let's call her Bubba. Bubba was sleeping on the couch that night while BigM was nestled up against me.

You see, Bubba slept on the couch whenever BigM found his way in our bed. I think it stems back to when Bubba and I first met. The three of us were asleep one night as I was suddenly awakened by what I could only describe as an episode from the jungle of hell!!! Mixed in among the sounds of what seemed like a thousand angry bongos and a stampede of frightened elephants, lions and zebras, were screams that I could only relate to the last time I watched my pirated copy of "Barnyard Fun". I jumped out of bed and crawled towards my cherished smaller scale replica of Pee Wee's Playhouse to take refuge. "Save Yourselves" I screamed back at BigM and Bubba as I closed the plastic door behind me. I could swear hearing what sounded like enraged carnal wailing from Tarzan or Jane through frightening monkey screams as if it were being passed through a meat grinder.

As I lay behind Chairry with Jambi and Cowboy Curtis yelling "Whoo-weee", I looked up at Mr. Window..."Do you see anything?" But he didn't answer.
Three hours later, the sounds had stopped. With flashlight in hand, I slowly crawled to the plastic door, and as soon as I said "I think the coast is clear", everyone screamed ""AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You said the magic word!!!" Darn, apparently, the magic word of the night was coast. The "AAAAHHHHHS" sent the sorriest looking animal I had ever seen zooming into the Playhouse. It sort of looked like BigM but with patches of fur missing throughout his body. His Plaidbanana was all mangled and twisted. "Are you OK buddy???" But the shaken and frightened BigM just buried himself in Chaiiry's arms.

I slowly made my way out of the Playhouse and crawled towards the bed, softly calling out for Bubba to see where she had taken refuge herself. When I peaked into the bed, I saw what seemed like Bubba sitting up and smoking a cigarette with patches of fur all over the place. She looked at me and said "Rawwwr!!! what a man!!!" and went down to the kitchen for a drink. I quickly picked up as much of the fur I could get, threw it in the Playhouse, and jumped in under the covers. I couldn't bring myself to tell her that she had spent over 3 hours with BigM. Since that night, BigM refused to sleep in our bed whenever Bubba chose to come upstairs.

Anyways, as I was saying, my most painful experience happened around 4 years ago with BigM nestled at my side. I was having the strangest dream. I was playing a NL Holdem poker sit-n-go with the Tinman, The Scarecrow, the Cowardly Lion and The Wizard of K9 . If the Wizard won the sit-n-go, we would all have a full house fall on our heads. BigM was riding around on Toto's back screaming "I'll get you my pretty" while chasing one of the evil witch's monkey guards. Zebediah was explaining to the Scarecrow how the Emus and Hyenas fought off the British in The Battle of Madagascar. The Cowardly Lion was hiding under the couch fearing the full house crashing down on him while Hillbilly was screaming "Arncha the awfullest coward of a lion?? You're courage is as scarce as hen's teeth!!!".The Wizard and the Tinman were down to Heads-up with the Wizard having the chip lead. After the river, the board showed 2-4-6-8-10 of hearts. The Tinman pushed all-in, bluffing to try and steal the pot. The Wizard looked at the Tinman straight in the eye, picking up on the Tinman's biggest tell and called the bet..."You don't have a heart Tinman, everyone knows that!!!" Of course he was right and the Wizard won the tournament. As we were bracing ourselves for our punishment, I woke up to incredible sharp pains in my lower abdomen...

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!" No, there was no magic word this time. I found myself screaming like an air-raid siren warning the town of incoming planes. If the country were under attack, our neighbourhood would already be hunkered down. I looked up and saw a frightened and crying BigM spinning round and round on the ceiling fan. I slowly got up and made my way to the washroom. The next thing I knew, I was on my knees in front of the toilet trying to figure out how much I would weigh minus my tongue, my lungs, my heart, and my intestines.

When Bubba hysterically ran into the washroom, she was shocked to see a big bald baby beluga head first in the toilet, a hysterical BigM jumping up and down on the toilet flushing handle screaming "I can't keep this up much longer, save yourselves" and HillBilly tugging at my grey sweatpants screaming "Lans-sake, this old dawg aint gonna hunt no more if we don't put a stop to this!!!". So Bubba ran to the phone and called for the ambulance.
After shoving my vital organs back down my throat, I slowly made my way to the living room floor. As I lay on my back, I screamed over to HillBilly "when that frigging alien pops out of my stomach, I'll grab him and you shoot him between the eyes!!!" "If that doesn't work, just shoot me in the head!!!".

The ambulance crew stormed into the living room only to see Bubba and a monkey holding a Plaidbanana struggling to stop HillBilly from shooting me..."He's plumb tuckered out from howling like a banshee!! let me put him out of his misery".
"Stand back and give us room folks". "What seems to be the problem sir?" After I explained to the paramedics that they may need Sigourney Weaver for this one, they prepared a needle to presumably kill the alien chewing away at my abdomen. They poked at my arm, and they poked, and poked a little more. Then they moved to the other arm. "Hey guys, I know I may look like an over-sized Pillsburry dough boy, but no matter how often you poke me, I'm not gonna giggle for you!!!". "Sorry sir, you're a rather large man and we're having trouble finding an appropriate place to inject the pain killers". "Tell you what docs!!! I'll get my monkey and Bubba to roll me over. BigM can pull my grey sweatpants down to my ankles and you take that needle of yours and APPROPRIATELY STICK IT IN MY ASS!!! AND IF YOU DON'T THINK THAT'LL DO, STICK ANOTHER NEEDLE IN MY OTHER ASS CHEEK!!!" We're sorry sir, but the painkiller will take too long to take effect if we do that. We have to take you to the hospital."

By the time they were able to get the mini forklift into the house to get me on the stretcher, I had already gone through three showings of the bedroom scene in the exorcist, all three times turning my head on a swivel and chucking my Quaker Cinnamon and Apple Oatmeal on the preacher reading my last rights. "Try to lay still sir as we wheel you out to the ambulance because we'll have a hard time getting you back in, we've only rented the mini forklift for an hour". What???? That's like asking a pig, as he's about to get slaughtered by the farmer, to stop squealing "How could you do this to me after all we've been through!!! I knew something was up when you named me Kevin Bacon at birth!!!". Of course, I couldn't stop screaming and squirming which caused the frightening descent on my runaway stretcher as it crashed into the ambulance. "I guess you're glad I didn't tip over hey, you won't need the forklift after all!!!!".

All I remember about the ambulance ride is my pleading to the paramedic for that sacred painkiller needle while he kept passing over these over sized clear Glad Kitchen-Catcher plastic bags to satisfy my toilet-hugging needs. "You know doc, I bet if you had stuck that needle in my ass cheek when I first asked you too, I bet at least 1% of the pain would be gone by now. Just my luck I guess that I get sick during a hospital shortage of painkilling fluid. Or is it that you get off on hearing cow-like screams after they get their utters caught on a wire fence? "Be patient sir, we're pulling into the emergency lobby".

"Finally", I say to myself. As they wheel me to the emergency entrance, I can finally see hope in getting my painkiller. I ask the waiting nurse if she can please give me the needle to which she replies "let's get you to registration then we'll take care of your pains". They wheel me to a hall in emergency and park my stretcher against the wall. By now, I've been screaming in pain for over an hour, hungering for that elusive needle like a shipwrecked Frenchman hungering for just one more poutine-Pepsi-cigarette combo for $11.99 with an angelic Isabelle Mercier nestled in his arms.

For some reason, I find myself surrounded by the whole hospital staff of ambulance drivers and paramedics. One of them probably called all the vehicles back to the hospital "Hey you guys, drop what you're doing!!! you gotta come and see this guy!!!" What a sight it must have been...a big, bald and topless mountain of a man, a grey sweatpant away from being a male pole dancer at the end of his 3 minute feature, prancing around from paramedic to ambulance driver looking for anyone who may have strong beliefs in euthanasia. I see one guy enjoying his hot buttered popcorn and blue slushy drink, another loading his hot pretzel with Dijon mustard, BigM holding flashlight asking people to get their feet down from the seats in front of them and Bubba selling action figures to the upcoming sequel "Torturing The Fatman II."

Another hour later, I'm in a hospital bed and finally brought some painkillers. I'm in too much pain and too eager to wolf those damn pills down that I don't even bother asking why I didn't get those pills 2 hours ago on my living room floor. Slowly but surely, the pain dissipates to an acceptable discomfort. The nurse told me that I was passing kidney stones. I asked how long it would take for them to strangle and extract that 100 pound beast they call kidney stones from my stomach. "You can do it here and right now if you'd like. After the pain I just went through, I can endure anything that can be thrown at me. If I have to get rid of the alien childbirth-style, I will. I think Bubba and I will call him JohnBoy or LooBoy, cause when we bring him home, he's headed right down the toilet pipes to be adopted by the sewer rats!!!!!"

The nurse laughed. "There is no operation. You'll need to go home, rest and take these painkillers as directed to control the pains until the stones pass." She gave me what looked like a scoop up net thingy that you would use to remove an unfortunate goldfish from the fish tank after he somehow got stuck in the aquarium filter. "When you go to the washroom to urinate, make sure you use this to trap the passing stone and bring it back for analysis. It will more than likely be the size of a grain of sand or 2." A grain of sand or 2??? I've got a plastic sandbox in the backyard...I'll fill that up with what's inside of me and borrow that mini-forklift from your paramedics to bring the sample back for your analysis.

Of course, the passing stone was the size of a grain of sand. Wonders will never cease.

Befriending Zebediah Boulstridge.

As lots of people know, I enjoy playing a good game of No Limit Texas Holdem.
I mostly play poker online, but occasionally play live tournaments as well.

Online Texas Holdem has become a regular activity in my life, actually more like a passion. Most of my evenings and nights are spent battling my friends and foes for Texas Holdem supremacy. With BigM and HillBilly by my side, I battle tooth and nail trying to put fear in my opponent's faces. BigM is the more calming influence when I play, while HB is more critical and judgemental.

Whenever I suffer a bad beat, and I'm about to explode in a fit of rage, BigM jumps on top of the computer and places his PlaidBanana against his ear. He then dances around and sings "Ring Ring Ring Ring Ring Ring Ring, Banana Phone...Ring Ring...". After a few seconds, I find myself dancing in front of the computer with BigM singing the banana phone song which eventually leads to BigM and I doing a little dirty dancing in the middle of the living room. I become Patrick Swayze (Johnny) and BigM is Jennifer Grey (Baby). I walk over to a cursing HillBilly and tell him "Nobody Puts Baby in a Corner!!!". We dance to (I've had) The Time of My Life and end it with BigM making that heart-stopping leap while I catch and lift him to the sky while striking the most amazing pose any man and his monkey can hold.

By then, I've completely forgotten about my bad beat although I've missed 8 or 9 hands but it's a heck lot better than tilting and losing all my chips on the next hand. I usually go back to the table with HillBilly bashing me on the head with his Skoal can and screaming stuff like "What in tarnation is going on here? I got a good notion to punch you in the Tater Trap!!! Arncha ever gonna learn? You're deftly a sandwich short of a picnic!! Now take hold of that mouse critter of yers and play some poker!". The tourney usually ends with me hanging around like a Dingle berry until my usual final table finish and HillBilly cursing at me for being too tight.

One day, BigM came swinging across the living room with what looked like some sort of a flyer. Watcha got their monkey? said HillBilly as he is mounting a gun rack on the side of the computer. "The next time you two daints around like little lightning bugs, I'm fixin to shootya both!!!" I took the flyer from BigM's hand. Hey guys, there's a Live Texas Holdem Tournament at the Scooby Shack in 2 weeks. Top prize is a seat at a Canadian Poker Tour event. "You're fixin' to go right?" said HillBilly. Don't know HB, I've never played in a Live tournament. I guess I can give it a shot.

A day went by, and we were all getting anxious. "Let's go to the mall" said BigM. Good idea, it'll take our minds of the tournament. As BigM and I walked past the food court, we ran into that British store clerk we met during our last Christmas Shopping fiasco, chowing down on a baked potato. "Hello mate" he said. "Hi Mouse", as I looked at his store name tag, how are you today? "Pretty good old chap, just eating my Jacket Potato before going home." You know Mouse, it's spring time, I think you can start eating t-shirt potatoes LOL. "Do you always act like a nutter or does it just come naturally mate?" Sorry Mouse, I have a hard time keeping my initial thoughts to myself. My doctor can't stand me either. "No worries mate, I actually find you quite amusing". Well thanks bud...you remember BigM right? "Oh yes, the monkey who likes to play with his rude bits". Actually, it's my Harryparatestes thank you!! replied BigM.

"So what are you shopping for today mate?" Actually, I'm getting ready for my first live Texas Holdem tournament. "Oh yes, I'm registered for that also, it will take place in a fortnight." Actually, it only lasts 1 night and it's in 2 weeks there Mouse. But hey, we can play a little heads-up sometime to get some practice, maybe share a few little pointers, what do you think Mouse? "Sure mate, I would fancy a little poker sometime soon." By the way, what is your real name Mouse? mine is Luc Cocopoutine. "Mine is Zebediah Boulstridge."

All of a sudden, there was a loud mixture of animal screeches and screaming women. Dogs, cats, rabbits, guinea pigs and gerbils were storming out of the pet shop and heading straight for us. It looked like a scene from The Lion King when those darn Buffaloes stormed through the valley of the Pridelands and stomped Simba's dad to death. My life was flashing before my eyes. I looked over at Zebediah and screamed "Run Forrest!!!". We instantly turned around and ran. We ran passed the record store, the pharmacy, the House of Poutine, my favourite sex toys shop, through the water fountain, and past the Travel Agency announcing reduced airfare to Atlanta Georgia to meet K9PokerDesser, voted by her peers as 2006's most seductive poker voice on the airwaves.

I looked ahead and saw that we were headed for a dead end. Zebediah screams "Blimey mate, we've hit a Cul-De-Sac." Zebediah and I literally had our backs to the wall and staring at a stampede of guinea pigs, gerbils, dogs, cats and rabbits who were now joined by ferrets, frogs, parrots and turtles bringing up the rear. BigM was leading the way, holding his Plaidbanana in one hand, a water rifle in the other, riding on top of a Bulldog and shouting "BEWARE THE BEAST MAN, FOR HE IS THE DEVIL'S PAWN. ALONE AMONG GOD'S PRIMATES, HE KILLS FOR SPORT OR LUST OR GREED"!!! Darn, I knew I shouldn't have let BigM watch Planet Of The Apes. He was out for revenge but I never saw it coming till now.

We were running out of time, but our luck turned for the best. We were beside a store specializing in jungle torches, mosquito repellent and fish net stockings. We each grabbed a lit torch from the display hangers and ran towards the stampede. Almost instantly, the animals turned around and started running in the other direction. What a sight, Zebediah and I, jungle torches in hand, chasing the wild beasts back towards the pet shop. We passed the Travel Agency, ran through the water fountain which almost put out our torches, the sex-toys shop which had a special on K9 Poker Tour mantyhoses, the House of Poutine, the pharmacy and the record store featuring The Violent Femmes greatest hits. The animals all ran back to the pet shop and in their cages with BigM hiding behind the Bulldog.

"That bloody Pillock monkey of yours is crazy mate!!!". I know Zebediah, he's one hell of a Moody monkey!!! As I went to grab BigM, the Bulldog growled. Easy now big boy, I just want to take BigM home OK? "Calm down Bully, he's my best friend" said BigM. "Sorry bro, I thought you were one of those humans ready to give us a bad beat. Friggin donkeys will get you every time!!!" said Bully.

I grabbed BigM and along with Zebediah, tried to apologize to the store owner. "What's a matter for you??" she said. "What's a matter for me? What's a matter for you?" I replied. By now, BigM had taken off in fright in the hamster cage running for dear life in the hamster wheel but getting nowhere. When I turned my attention back to the manager, I was face to face with the most beautiful pet shop owner I had ever seen. Her name tag said Crafty. Boy this mall has employees with funny names. First Mouse, now Crafty. "I'm so sorry miss, I let my monkey watch Planet Of The Apes a few days ago and I think he took it a little too personal." "A little? A little too personal?" Crafty replied. "Look at this store and the rest of the mall!!! She was right, the pet shop looked like my basement after one of my barnyard-fun Saturday night parties. I looked out in the mall to see women standing on benches, kids crying and mall clerks singing HAKUNA MATATA - IT MEANS NO WORRIES to try and calm everybody down!!! The white mall floors looked like giant chocolate chip cookies for the thousands of rabbit droppings. A cat called Murry was running around with mice hanging by their tails between his teeth and giant plastic mall trees burning in flames, probably from the torches Zebediah and I were chasing the savage beasts with.

Again miss Crafty, I am very sorry. I will obviously pay for any damages done to your store and the mall itself. By the way, that is an unusual name you have there. "My name is Maria Gianpoeano Romano but my friends call me CraftyItalian". Ok CraftyItalian, I really am sor..."I SAID MY FRIENDS CALL ME CRAFTYITALIAN!!! You can call me Crafty" . Yikes, I guess you're still upset about this little incident...maybe I can call you CraftyIta which would make me partly a friend? "AAARRRGGGGGGGGGG!!!" screamed Crafty." Zebediah stepped in. "I apologize for my imbecilic bumbling friend's attitude...you just can't educate pork!!!".

I took down Crafty's store phone number, and promised to call her back for the cost of the repairs she and the mall owner will want from me. Despite all of this, Zebediah agreed to play heads up with me in the next few days, in order to get ready for our live Texas Holdem tournament.

Christmas Shopping with BigM.

You know what BigM and I hate almost as much as a rectal exam or rotten bananas? Christmas shopping!!!!!

Now don't get me wrong, Christmas season is my favourite time of the year. I remember my favourite Christmas present of all time. It was a talking Hillbilly doll. I called him HB. When you pulled on HB's pull-string, he would say "Hidee there Yungins. Yontto get crazier than a run over dog and clown around?" The first time BigM and I heard that, we ran and hid under the bed thinking HB was telling us to run and hide because some crazy clown named Yontto ran over our dog Shaggy with his car. Mom eventually explained to us that HB was asking us to get crazy and play with him. Whenever BigM and I would come home from Daisy's, our babysitter, BigM would go crying in the bedroom after the usual bullying he gets by the other toys because of his Plaidbanana. HB would say "Hey chimpboy, you gotta git tougher than a one-eard alley cat with them dawgs or they'll pick at you fer ever". To this day, I still don't know what the hell HB was talking about but BigM became more aggressive with the toys and they left him alone.

My love for the Christmas season is also due to the fact that I get a chance to spoil my daughter.
I remember when she was 2 years old and I had this huge desire to spoil her rotten. I dressed up as Santa and woke her up early Christmas morning, like I've done until she was 11. HoHoHo Santa would say, and Kayla would jump out of bed and hold santas hand leading him to the living room where BigM and HB would be sitting amongst the mountain of presents. Kayla would take so much time to open her gifts, HB would say "Lans-sake little one, hurry so I can pull out the shine and get lickered up". BigM would be right in there anxious to see what was in the packages. "That chimp is as nosy as a pet 'coon". By the time she was done opening her presents, daddy would be snoring away in bed alongside a drunk HB while Kayla and BigM played with her toys.

The only drawback to my favourite season is Christmas shopping. I don't drive, so the lovely experience of Christmas shopping for me is compounded by the fact that I have to bring all my gifts back home by bus. I have a habit of procrastinating when it comes to Christmas shopping. So our great adventure began on December 23rd, in the afternoon, during a violent Canadian snowstorm. I finally had BigM's Plaidbanana and 2 fingers sewn to his hand so he wasn't uncomfortable going out in public anymore. We stood at the bus stop in the blowing snow and minus 50 degree Celsius temperatures counting the wind chill factor. What a sight it must have been for the people driving by. A big trembling Uncle Fester-looking Frenchman wearing bright red ear muffs holding hands with a snow covered monkey protecting his frozen Plaidbanana from the harsh elements.

Finally, after 20 minutes, the bus came around the corner. BigM and I hugged each other like two survivors of a horrific avalanche seeing rescue helicopters coming to their aid. As the bus got closer, BigM and I pried ourselves from each other and braced ourselves for the long-awaited moment. But the bus didn't stop. It was full and just drove right by. BigM bolted out of my hands and grabbed on to the back of the bus. All of a sudden, I was chasing a bus with a lunatic monkey flapping in the wind from it's roof holding a frozen Plaidbanana. "Let go BigM, you don't know where you're going!!". "I can't, my hand is frozen to the top of the bus". So I chased the bus for 8 blocks. Luckily people were getting off at most of the stops and I finally caught up to it. "Excuse me sir, can you wait a minute so I can get my monkey off the top of your bus?" The driver reluctantly waited until I came back with BigM. We stood in the bus and noticed that the people were laughing at us. I guess you would laugh too if you saw a big bald headed man with a frozen face matching the color of his ear muffs, a white frostbitten nose holding a snow covered monkey clutching to his frozen Plaidbanana and icicles hanging from his Harryparatestes.

We finally got to the shopping mall. BigM and I sat down at the food court sipping on our hot chocolates and trying to get over that terrible ordeal. After a half an hour of thawing out and devouring a heaping bowl of poutine, I grabbed BigM and set out for the department store.
I sat BigM in the shopping cart and off we went. I needed to find all my presents in this mall because of the fact that I didn't want to be shopping mall hopping in a violent snowstorm on jam-packed buses.

I took out my daughter's Christmas gift list and went to the movies and music department. She wanted the"Dance Tunes 2007" CD but all BigM and I could find was the 2006 version. I found a department clerk to ask if they had more 2007 versions in the back or on display somewhere. His store name tag read "Mouse". "That's an odd name for a person" BigM and I thought, but we figured that it must be his nickname or something. "Hello mate, how may I help you?" I'm shopping for my daughter and was looking for the "Dance Tunes 2007" CD and all I could find is the 2006 version. "Are you off your trolley mate? It's December 23rd, you're lucky to have found the 2006 version". I looked down at my list and saw "Silent Hill" which is a horror movie that Kayla wanted to see. Do you have "Silent Hill" on DVD? "You're a real plonker aren't you? What kind of man let's his daughter watch such a film?" While this was going on, BigM was rubbing his Harryparatestes to dry off the remains of the icicles. "My god! your friend is playing with his rude bits, make him stop or take him to the loo". OK dude, never mind, I'll find what I'm looking for by myself.

Three hours later, BigM and I were able to find everything on Kayla's list except for the "Dance Tunes 2007" CD. By now, BigM is sleeping like a baby in the shopping cart sucking on his Plaidbanana. I head towards the nearest cash register and I find myself faced with the longest lineups imaginable. Each lineup extended through 2 store aisles There were 8 cash register counters but only 4 were open. It's December 23rd!!! Where is your staff??? I see 2 cashiers alongside their closed counters straightening out the candy and magazine sections leading to their cash registers. A third cashier walks up and asks if she needs to open her cash register. I sarcastically tell her "naw it's OK dear, why don't you just go and place the returned items of the day on the shelves where they belong, we're in no hurry". So she turns around and leaves. Now I'm fuming. I storm my way to the back of a line, waking BigM out of his deep sleep, and find myself waiting way back in the music department. There's that Mouse dude sitting behind his counter eating his lunch. He looks up at me and BigM and says "Hey mate, sorry about my rudeness earlier, it's been a long day. Nothing like playing a little bit of Noughts and Crosses eating Bangers & Mash along with Spotted Dick to ease the tension". BigM looks at me and says "isn't he playing Tick-Tack-Toe and eating sausage and potatoes with some sort of hot pudding?" Leave it alone BigM, just leave it alone.

An hour and a half later, we've paid for our purchases and get back to the food court. I now find myself sitting at a table with 12 huge bags of Christmas presents and a whining monkey screaming "I wanna go home" over and over and over. Jeez that monkey is moody!!!

Let's see now, we left the house at noon, and it's 6pm. There's no way I'm leaving here without rewarding myself for going through this horrible experience. I'm gonna get myself 2 large steak and cheese subs filled with all the ingredients they can fit and devour them at home with a litre of chocolate milk. Off we go... Uncle Fester wearing his bright red ear muffs, with his plush monkey holding a Plaidbanana in one hand, while in the other hand, 12 huge bags of Christmas presents and another containing my 2 subs. Of course, the snowstorm is even worse and there are no buses in sight. I now find myself sitting in a bus shelter with 12 huge bags of Christmas presents lined up on the floor, another holding my 2 prized subs, and a trembling monkey laying beside me screaming "There's no place like home, there's no place like home". I can hear the people around me giggling like little girls, but who can blame them, and who really cares. I just want to go home, lie on the couch eating my subs and washing it all down with 1 litre of chocolate milk. 25 minutes later, the damn bus gets here. With one hand, I grab BigM, who was now screaming "I'm playing with my rude bits" over and over and over, and grab the bags as quickly as I can before the bus decides to leave us behind.

Finally, we're on our way home. I've got BigM, the Christmas presents and my reward for going through this hellish experience, my su...Oh no!!! Where are the subs? I look out the bus window and there is my bag of subs, sitting in the bus shelter slowly fading away in the snowy night. STOP THE BUS!!! STOP THE BUS!! But it's too late. The bus is now going through the intersection and my subs are lost. Now people are screaming in laughter at the sight of a bald Uncle Fester-looking dude wearing bright red ear muffs, sitting on the bus floor surrounded by 12 huge bags of Christmas presents singing "they're coming to take me away aha, they're coming to take me away hehe hoho" with a crazy monkey holding a Plaidbanana, swinging over my head screaming "look at my spotted dick" over and over and over.

I love Christmas shopping!!!!