Looking For Love.

Funny how hard it is to find someone to go out with you, just on a date and maybe get to know each other over time and see where it can lead. It can get pretty frustrating sometimes.

I consider myself a slightly above average guy, putting a lot of emphasis on the word slightly, with so much to offer. I'm fairly cute, depending on your definition of the word cute, a pretty nice guy, with a slightly off-centered sense of humor, and am comfortable enough financially.

I was talking with my two favorite buddies, BigM and Hillbilly, about my love situation and they were just as perplexed as I am.

BigM, for anyone who doesn't know, is my all time best bud. He's been by my side since I was a little boy. That little monkey is actually cool because he can hold his plastic banana all on his own, and hasn't let go of it for more than 40 years now... I guess you can say he's pretty much attached to it.

Hillbilly is also a special friend, a little hot-tempered and sometimes hard to please, but still an important part of my life.

BigM is just as confused as I am on why I haven't been able to have a meaningful relationship lately, because he think I'm a slightly above average guy as well, again with emphasis on the word "slightly".

He recalls one time when the three of us went to see Santa Claus at the mall, to give him our Christmas wish list and get our annual picture with Santa.
BigM and I were like two little kids, BigM sitting on my head, as I'm skipping and hopping through the mall singing "Put One Foot in Front of the Other", and "I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas", no crocodiles, no rhinoceroses...I only like hippopotamuses, and hippopotamuses like me too.

It must have been a strange site to others, especially with Hillbilly chasing and screaming "Shut yur Tater Traps!!! Ya'll better keep runnin cawse I brung my gun, and whens I catcha, I aim to shootcha both and take ya'll dreckly to the crik out bak!!!!"....like I said, Hillbilly is a little hot-tempered, a little rough around the edges.

We eventually got to Santa's Castle. BigM and I didn't care that the lineup was extremely long because we knew Santa was in our horizons. Hillbilly wasn't so pleased. "I don't like this vaymuch"...pretty calm response for Hillbilly actually.

Forty five minutes later, during which BigM and I had to pry Hillbilly off a little boy who kept tugging at his beard and explaining to the mall cop that Hillbilly was just kidding when he told the boys mother "Lans-sake!!! diduhnit occur to ya fer a minnit that yontto git yer little varmint of my face cawse I kain't take it, and I've got a mind to chunk the little rugrat oer yonner in dat purty little saspool yuz call a water foutain!!!, we were finally near the front of the line.

BigM and I were sooo excited...we could actually see Santa and could barely contain ourselves. Before we got four words into "Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer", Hillbilly was nipping at my heels, well actually kicking and bashing them with his shotgun, so we had to stop.

Through his anger, I could also sense that Hillbilly seemed nervous, maybe like he was a little scared of something. It reminded me of the look he had that one time when BigM and I threatened to take away his styrofoam cooler and siphon hose, unless he covered up his girlfriend's name that he sprayed on an overpass.

I asked Hillbilly "are you ok bud?" He didn't reply, but I could see he was nervously staring at Santa. "What's wrong Hillbilly?" You don't like Santa or something?" "I ain't skeered, I don't know why you brung me here, that's all...ok, maybe I'm a bit skeered...I think I'm claus trophobic or sumpin...I don't trust him, I thank he's crookeder than a dawg's hind leg, and ugly as a mud fence." "Claus trophobic?? ok Hillbilly, you can just watch BigM and I sit on Santa if that makes you feel better.

Finally, it was our turn. The three of us walked towards Santa's throne, Hillbilly peeking around me while BigM hopped frantically on my shoulders. BigM and I walked up to Santa and sat on his lap while Hillbilly stood off to the side hesitantly.

"Have you both been good little boys this year", Santa said. We both said yes, but I knew it wasn't actually true in my case, but I can't get into that right now because it'll take too long and I don't want to deviate from the fact that this story is about my being able to find someone to go out on a date with me, you do remember that this is what this story is about right? I'm getting there, I promise.

Anyways, we both gave our Christmas gift wishes, mine being "Golden Girls action figures, Baby Blinkins (I just love when you squeeze them, their wings light up and glow in rainbow colors)" and "The Wild Puffalumps" because I thought their Aloha Shirts were cool.

We both kissed Santa and took our picture with him. Hillbilly was off to the side, seemingly flirting with one of Santa's elves. "My my!! yur as purty as a speckled pup arncha?"I grabbed BigM and hurried over to intervene and apologize. As I got closer, I could see that this wasn't your ordinary elf. When our eyes met, I had that same feeling as I had when I first saw Neytiri from the Avatar movie.

The pretty elf looked at me and said "hello". "I see you Neytiri, I see you" was all I could say. "I'm sorry, I meant hello, and I apologize for my friend Hillbilly's actions." That's ok, I think he's cute, just like you :)...I suddenly started jumping up and down like Rudolph did after Clarice told him he was cute..."I'm cute!!! I'm cuuuuuute" is all I kept screaming as I was hopping over and through the fake wrapped gift boxes laying all over the place, finally ending up on my rear end under Santa's Christmas tree, all covered by a mound of fake styrofoam snow.

The cute elf came and helped BigM and Hillbilly get me out from under the rubble, before the mall cop even got a whiff of what was going on.

I offered to buy her something to eat for her lunch (luckily for me this so happened to be her lunch break, good timing I guess), and much to my surprise, she accepted my invitation after all that commotion.

"My name is Esmeralda-Cassiopeia Wolfeschlegelsteinhausen" she said with her angelic soft voice. "Nice to meet you Esmeralda-Cassiopeia, my name is Luc, but my friends call me coco, some call me cueball, stupid dumbass bitch on a few occasions. You can call me anything you want really, just don't call me late for dinner"...

I know, I know, it's a corny line, and probably wasn't necessary since she was already willing to talk to me, even after the Rudolph being cute incident, but I couldn't help it. Much to my surprise though, she smiled and said I was cute again. Fortunately, I didn't start jumping around again screaming "I'm cute!! I'm cuuuuute, probably because Hillbilly had already tackled me to the ground telling Esmeralda-Cassiopeia "he's a sandwich shy of a picnic, but he means well".

The four of us walked over to the food court. Esmeralda-Cassiopeia and I had a Subway sandwich and a Fruitopia Orange Undercurrent. I debated between the Orange Undercurrent and the Cherry Vanilla Groove, but finally settled on the Orange. We both seemed in a trance, gazing into each others eyes, oblivious to everything around us, not even noticing Hillbilly fighting with the Sushi counter server. "Watcha mean you don't know what Beef Jerky and Moon Pies are? you got any possum? unbeknownst to ya, thems good vittles!!!" BigM was at MacIntosh and Watts looking at commemorative plates...to this day, I still can't figure out why.

We had a great time, both hanging on every word each had to say. I truly thought that Esmeralda-Cassiopeia Wolfeschlegelsteinhausen actually liked me, and I knew she did.

Her lunch hour was almost over, so I asked her if I could see her again. BigM and Hillbilly were back and were holding their breath waiting for her reply. She said she would absolutely love to see me again. "Maybe you can pick me up Friday, here's my address and phone number."

I thought, this is great. This beautiful elf, Esmeralda-Cassiopeia Wolfeschlegelsteinhausen, thinks I'm cute, doesn't mind that I go around in public with a furry little monkey holding a banana, and a crusty old redneck Hillbilly who hates the world, and still wants to see me again.

"Friday sounds great Esmeralda-Cassiopeia. Do you know which bus number goes by your house? I know I can catch either the #12 or #124 to the mall, but I'm not sure which bus I need to transfer on to get to your house. It doesn't have to get me right at you place...any bus that goes within a few blocks or so would be great. I'll make sure I get an extra few sheets of bus tickets in case we decide to do dinner and a movie, in case both aren't close by. If we try and eat fast enough at dinner, we'll be able to use out bus transfers to get to the movies and not waste more tickets. I'll check the Website for the bus schedule."

Funny, but all of a sudden, I didn't feel so cuuuuute anymore. I suddenly felt like Rudolph and his misfit friends Hermey and Yukon Cornelius...BigM looked at me and said "Hey Rudolph, what do you say we both be independent together, huh? You wouldn't mind my red nose,? Not if you don't mind me being a dentist. It's a deal!!!" Hillbilly chimed in "This fog's as thick as peanut butter!" "You mean pea soup." BigM replied. "You eat what you like, and I'll eat what I like!"

As I watched Esmeralda-Cassiopeia Wolfeschlegelsteinhausen walk away in her pretty little green elf costume, after flipping me the bird, I realized something...

No matter how slightly cuuuute a guy can be, and I put a lot of emphasis on slightly, or how nice a personality he might have, or how good he is in the kitchen (I actually made scrambled eggs for the first time in my life last week, and apparently they were great), a woman will be colder than a welldigger's behind towards you, as my friend Hillbilly would say, if you offer to pick her up for a date via public transportation.