Kidney Stones - Oh the Pain!!!

IF YOU ARE READING THIS POST FIRST, GET OUT!!! JUST KIDDING...SOMETIMES, MY BLOGS KINDA FOLLOW EACH OTHER STORYLINE-WISE SO IT WOULD BE BETTER IF YOU READ THEM FROM THE ONES AT THE BOTTOM OF THE PAGE AND WORKING YOUR WAY UP AKA OLDEST TO MOST RECENT UNLESS OF COURSE YOU'VE READ THE OTHER ONES ALREADY.


OK, by now, you all think my life is centered around doctors and a little monkey carrying a Plaidbanana. Well you're right!!!

About 4 years ago, I had the worst and most painful experience of my life.
It started in bed in the middle of the night. At that time, I was living with my now ex-fiancee, let's call her Bubba. Bubba was sleeping on the couch that night while BigM was nestled up against me.

You see, Bubba slept on the couch whenever BigM found his way in our bed. I think it stems back to when Bubba and I first met. The three of us were asleep one night as I was suddenly awakened by what I could only describe as an episode from the jungle of hell!!! Mixed in among the sounds of what seemed like a thousand angry bongos and a stampede of frightened elephants, lions and zebras, were screams that I could only relate to the last time I watched my pirated copy of "Barnyard Fun". I jumped out of bed and crawled towards my cherished smaller scale replica of Pee Wee's Playhouse to take refuge. "Save Yourselves" I screamed back at BigM and Bubba as I closed the plastic door behind me. I could swear hearing what sounded like enraged carnal wailing from Tarzan or Jane through frightening monkey screams as if it were being passed through a meat grinder.

As I lay behind Chairry with Jambi and Cowboy Curtis yelling "Whoo-weee", I looked up at Mr. Window..."Do you see anything?" But he didn't answer.
Three hours later, the sounds had stopped. With flashlight in hand, I slowly crawled to the plastic door, and as soon as I said "I think the coast is clear", everyone screamed ""AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You said the magic word!!!" Darn, apparently, the magic word of the night was coast. The "AAAAHHHHHS" sent the sorriest looking animal I had ever seen zooming into the Playhouse. It sort of looked like BigM but with patches of fur missing throughout his body. His Plaidbanana was all mangled and twisted. "Are you OK buddy???" But the shaken and frightened BigM just buried himself in Chaiiry's arms.

I slowly made my way out of the Playhouse and crawled towards the bed, softly calling out for Bubba to see where she had taken refuge herself. When I peaked into the bed, I saw what seemed like Bubba sitting up and smoking a cigarette with patches of fur all over the place. She looked at me and said "Rawwwr!!! what a man!!!" and went down to the kitchen for a drink. I quickly picked up as much of the fur I could get, threw it in the Playhouse, and jumped in under the covers. I couldn't bring myself to tell her that she had spent over 3 hours with BigM. Since that night, BigM refused to sleep in our bed whenever Bubba chose to come upstairs.

Anyways, as I was saying, my most painful experience happened around 4 years ago with BigM nestled at my side. I was having the strangest dream. I was playing a NL Holdem poker sit-n-go with the Tinman, The Scarecrow, the Cowardly Lion and The Wizard of K9 . If the Wizard won the sit-n-go, we would all have a full house fall on our heads. BigM was riding around on Toto's back screaming "I'll get you my pretty" while chasing one of the evil witch's monkey guards. Zebediah was explaining to the Scarecrow how the Emus and Hyenas fought off the British in The Battle of Madagascar. The Cowardly Lion was hiding under the couch fearing the full house crashing down on him while Hillbilly was screaming "Arncha the awfullest coward of a lion?? You're courage is as scarce as hen's teeth!!!".The Wizard and the Tinman were down to Heads-up with the Wizard having the chip lead. After the river, the board showed 2-4-6-8-10 of hearts. The Tinman pushed all-in, bluffing to try and steal the pot. The Wizard looked at the Tinman straight in the eye, picking up on the Tinman's biggest tell and called the bet..."You don't have a heart Tinman, everyone knows that!!!" Of course he was right and the Wizard won the tournament. As we were bracing ourselves for our punishment, I woke up to incredible sharp pains in my lower abdomen...

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!" No, there was no magic word this time. I found myself screaming like an air-raid siren warning the town of incoming planes. If the country were under attack, our neighbourhood would already be hunkered down. I looked up and saw a frightened and crying BigM spinning round and round on the ceiling fan. I slowly got up and made my way to the washroom. The next thing I knew, I was on my knees in front of the toilet trying to figure out how much I would weigh minus my tongue, my lungs, my heart, and my intestines.

When Bubba hysterically ran into the washroom, she was shocked to see a big bald baby beluga head first in the toilet, a hysterical BigM jumping up and down on the toilet flushing handle screaming "I can't keep this up much longer, save yourselves" and HillBilly tugging at my grey sweatpants screaming "Lans-sake, this old dawg aint gonna hunt no more if we don't put a stop to this!!!". So Bubba ran to the phone and called for the ambulance.
After shoving my vital organs back down my throat, I slowly made my way to the living room floor. As I lay on my back, I screamed over to HillBilly "when that frigging alien pops out of my stomach, I'll grab him and you shoot him between the eyes!!!" "If that doesn't work, just shoot me in the head!!!".

The ambulance crew stormed into the living room only to see Bubba and a monkey holding a Plaidbanana struggling to stop HillBilly from shooting me..."He's plumb tuckered out from howling like a banshee!! let me put him out of his misery".
"Stand back and give us room folks". "What seems to be the problem sir?" After I explained to the paramedics that they may need Sigourney Weaver for this one, they prepared a needle to presumably kill the alien chewing away at my abdomen. They poked at my arm, and they poked, and poked a little more. Then they moved to the other arm. "Hey guys, I know I may look like an over-sized Pillsburry dough boy, but no matter how often you poke me, I'm not gonna giggle for you!!!". "Sorry sir, you're a rather large man and we're having trouble finding an appropriate place to inject the pain killers". "Tell you what docs!!! I'll get my monkey and Bubba to roll me over. BigM can pull my grey sweatpants down to my ankles and you take that needle of yours and APPROPRIATELY STICK IT IN MY ASS!!! AND IF YOU DON'T THINK THAT'LL DO, STICK ANOTHER NEEDLE IN MY OTHER ASS CHEEK!!!" We're sorry sir, but the painkiller will take too long to take effect if we do that. We have to take you to the hospital."

By the time they were able to get the mini forklift into the house to get me on the stretcher, I had already gone through three showings of the bedroom scene in the exorcist, all three times turning my head on a swivel and chucking my Quaker Cinnamon and Apple Oatmeal on the preacher reading my last rights. "Try to lay still sir as we wheel you out to the ambulance because we'll have a hard time getting you back in, we've only rented the mini forklift for an hour". What???? That's like asking a pig, as he's about to get slaughtered by the farmer, to stop squealing "How could you do this to me after all we've been through!!! I knew something was up when you named me Kevin Bacon at birth!!!". Of course, I couldn't stop screaming and squirming which caused the frightening descent on my runaway stretcher as it crashed into the ambulance. "I guess you're glad I didn't tip over hey, you won't need the forklift after all!!!!".

All I remember about the ambulance ride is my pleading to the paramedic for that sacred painkiller needle while he kept passing over these over sized clear Glad Kitchen-Catcher plastic bags to satisfy my toilet-hugging needs. "You know doc, I bet if you had stuck that needle in my ass cheek when I first asked you too, I bet at least 1% of the pain would be gone by now. Just my luck I guess that I get sick during a hospital shortage of painkilling fluid. Or is it that you get off on hearing cow-like screams after they get their utters caught on a wire fence? "Be patient sir, we're pulling into the emergency lobby".

"Finally", I say to myself. As they wheel me to the emergency entrance, I can finally see hope in getting my painkiller. I ask the waiting nurse if she can please give me the needle to which she replies "let's get you to registration then we'll take care of your pains". They wheel me to a hall in emergency and park my stretcher against the wall. By now, I've been screaming in pain for over an hour, hungering for that elusive needle like a shipwrecked Frenchman hungering for just one more poutine-Pepsi-cigarette combo for $11.99 with an angelic Isabelle Mercier nestled in his arms.

For some reason, I find myself surrounded by the whole hospital staff of ambulance drivers and paramedics. One of them probably called all the vehicles back to the hospital "Hey you guys, drop what you're doing!!! you gotta come and see this guy!!!" What a sight it must have been...a big, bald and topless mountain of a man, a grey sweatpant away from being a male pole dancer at the end of his 3 minute feature, prancing around from paramedic to ambulance driver looking for anyone who may have strong beliefs in euthanasia. I see one guy enjoying his hot buttered popcorn and blue slushy drink, another loading his hot pretzel with Dijon mustard, BigM holding flashlight asking people to get their feet down from the seats in front of them and Bubba selling action figures to the upcoming sequel "Torturing The Fatman II."

Another hour later, I'm in a hospital bed and finally brought some painkillers. I'm in too much pain and too eager to wolf those damn pills down that I don't even bother asking why I didn't get those pills 2 hours ago on my living room floor. Slowly but surely, the pain dissipates to an acceptable discomfort. The nurse told me that I was passing kidney stones. I asked how long it would take for them to strangle and extract that 100 pound beast they call kidney stones from my stomach. "You can do it here and right now if you'd like. After the pain I just went through, I can endure anything that can be thrown at me. If I have to get rid of the alien childbirth-style, I will. I think Bubba and I will call him JohnBoy or LooBoy, cause when we bring him home, he's headed right down the toilet pipes to be adopted by the sewer rats!!!!!"

The nurse laughed. "There is no operation. You'll need to go home, rest and take these painkillers as directed to control the pains until the stones pass." She gave me what looked like a scoop up net thingy that you would use to remove an unfortunate goldfish from the fish tank after he somehow got stuck in the aquarium filter. "When you go to the washroom to urinate, make sure you use this to trap the passing stone and bring it back for analysis. It will more than likely be the size of a grain of sand or 2." A grain of sand or 2??? I've got a plastic sandbox in the backyard...I'll fill that up with what's inside of me and borrow that mini-forklift from your paramedics to bring the sample back for your analysis.

Of course, the passing stone was the size of a grain of sand. Wonders will never cease.