As lots of people know, I enjoy playing a good game of No Limit Texas Holdem.
I mostly play poker online, but occasionally play live tournaments as well.
Online Texas Holdem has become a regular activity in my life, actually more like a passion. Most of my evenings and nights are spent battling my friends and foes for Texas Holdem supremacy. With BigM and HillBilly by my side, I battle tooth and nail trying to put fear in my opponent's faces. BigM is the more calming influence when I play, while HB is more critical and judgemental.
Whenever I suffer a bad beat, and I'm about to explode in a fit of rage, BigM jumps on top of the computer and places his PlaidBanana against his ear. He then dances around and sings "Ring Ring Ring Ring Ring Ring Ring, Banana Phone...Ring Ring...". After a few seconds, I find myself dancing in front of the computer with BigM singing the banana phone song which eventually leads to BigM and I doing a little dirty dancing in the middle of the living room. I become Patrick Swayze (Johnny) and BigM is Jennifer Grey (Baby). I walk over to a cursing HillBilly and tell him "Nobody Puts Baby in a Corner!!!". We dance to (I've had) The Time of My Life and end it with BigM making that heart-stopping leap while I catch and lift him to the sky while striking the most amazing pose any man and his monkey can hold.
By then, I've completely forgotten about my bad beat although I've missed 8 or 9 hands but it's a heck lot better than tilting and losing all my chips on the next hand. I usually go back to the table with HillBilly bashing me on the head with his Skoal can and screaming stuff like "What in tarnation is going on here? I got a good notion to punch you in the Tater Trap!!! Arncha ever gonna learn? You're deftly a sandwich short of a picnic!! Now take hold of that mouse critter of yers and play some poker!". The tourney usually ends with me hanging around like a Dingle berry until my usual final table finish and HillBilly cursing at me for being too tight.
One day, BigM came swinging across the living room with what looked like some sort of a flyer. Watcha got their monkey? said HillBilly as he is mounting a gun rack on the side of the computer. "The next time you two daints around like little lightning bugs, I'm fixin to shootya both!!!" I took the flyer from BigM's hand. Hey guys, there's a Live Texas Holdem Tournament at the Scooby Shack in 2 weeks. Top prize is a seat at a Canadian Poker Tour event. "You're fixin' to go right?" said HillBilly. Don't know HB, I've never played in a Live tournament. I guess I can give it a shot.
A day went by, and we were all getting anxious. "Let's go to the mall" said BigM. Good idea, it'll take our minds of the tournament. As BigM and I walked past the food court, we ran into that British store clerk we met during our last Christmas Shopping fiasco, chowing down on a baked potato. "Hello mate" he said. "Hi Mouse", as I looked at his store name tag, how are you today? "Pretty good old chap, just eating my Jacket Potato before going home." You know Mouse, it's spring time, I think you can start eating t-shirt potatoes LOL. "Do you always act like a nutter or does it just come naturally mate?" Sorry Mouse, I have a hard time keeping my initial thoughts to myself. My doctor can't stand me either. "No worries mate, I actually find you quite amusing". Well thanks bud...you remember BigM right? "Oh yes, the monkey who likes to play with his rude bits". Actually, it's my Harryparatestes thank you!! replied BigM.
"So what are you shopping for today mate?" Actually, I'm getting ready for my first live Texas Holdem tournament. "Oh yes, I'm registered for that also, it will take place in a fortnight." Actually, it only lasts 1 night and it's in 2 weeks there Mouse. But hey, we can play a little heads-up sometime to get some practice, maybe share a few little pointers, what do you think Mouse? "Sure mate, I would fancy a little poker sometime soon." By the way, what is your real name Mouse? mine is Luc Cocopoutine. "Mine is Zebediah Boulstridge."
All of a sudden, there was a loud mixture of animal screeches and screaming women. Dogs, cats, rabbits, guinea pigs and gerbils were storming out of the pet shop and heading straight for us. It looked like a scene from The Lion King when those darn Buffaloes stormed through the valley of the Pridelands and stomped Simba's dad to death. My life was flashing before my eyes. I looked over at Zebediah and screamed "Run Forrest!!!". We instantly turned around and ran. We ran passed the record store, the pharmacy, the House of Poutine, my favourite sex toys shop, through the water fountain, and past the Travel Agency announcing reduced airfare to Atlanta Georgia to meet K9PokerDesser, voted by her peers as 2006's most seductive poker voice on the airwaves.
I looked ahead and saw that we were headed for a dead end. Zebediah screams "Blimey mate, we've hit a Cul-De-Sac." Zebediah and I literally had our backs to the wall and staring at a stampede of guinea pigs, gerbils, dogs, cats and rabbits who were now joined by ferrets, frogs, parrots and turtles bringing up the rear. BigM was leading the way, holding his Plaidbanana in one hand, a water rifle in the other, riding on top of a Bulldog and shouting "BEWARE THE BEAST MAN, FOR HE IS THE DEVIL'S PAWN. ALONE AMONG GOD'S PRIMATES, HE KILLS FOR SPORT OR LUST OR GREED"!!! Darn, I knew I shouldn't have let BigM watch Planet Of The Apes. He was out for revenge but I never saw it coming till now.
We were running out of time, but our luck turned for the best. We were beside a store specializing in jungle torches, mosquito repellent and fish net stockings. We each grabbed a lit torch from the display hangers and ran towards the stampede. Almost instantly, the animals turned around and started running in the other direction. What a sight, Zebediah and I, jungle torches in hand, chasing the wild beasts back towards the pet shop. We passed the Travel Agency, ran through the water fountain which almost put out our torches, the sex-toys shop which had a special on K9 Poker Tour mantyhoses, the House of Poutine, the pharmacy and the record store featuring The Violent Femmes greatest hits. The animals all ran back to the pet shop and in their cages with BigM hiding behind the Bulldog.
"That bloody Pillock monkey of yours is crazy mate!!!". I know Zebediah, he's one hell of a Moody monkey!!! As I went to grab BigM, the Bulldog growled. Easy now big boy, I just want to take BigM home OK? "Calm down Bully, he's my best friend" said BigM. "Sorry bro, I thought you were one of those humans ready to give us a bad beat. Friggin donkeys will get you every time!!!" said Bully.
I grabbed BigM and along with Zebediah, tried to apologize to the store owner. "What's a matter for you??" she said. "What's a matter for me? What's a matter for you?" I replied. By now, BigM had taken off in fright in the hamster cage running for dear life in the hamster wheel but getting nowhere. When I turned my attention back to the manager, I was face to face with the most beautiful pet shop owner I had ever seen. Her name tag said Crafty. Boy this mall has employees with funny names. First Mouse, now Crafty. "I'm so sorry miss, I let my monkey watch Planet Of The Apes a few days ago and I think he took it a little too personal." "A little? A little too personal?" Crafty replied. "Look at this store and the rest of the mall!!! She was right, the pet shop looked like my basement after one of my barnyard-fun Saturday night parties. I looked out in the mall to see women standing on benches, kids crying and mall clerks singing HAKUNA MATATA - IT MEANS NO WORRIES to try and calm everybody down!!! The white mall floors looked like giant chocolate chip cookies for the thousands of rabbit droppings. A cat called Murry was running around with mice hanging by their tails between his teeth and giant plastic mall trees burning in flames, probably from the torches Zebediah and I were chasing the savage beasts with.
Again miss Crafty, I am very sorry. I will obviously pay for any damages done to your store and the mall itself. By the way, that is an unusual name you have there. "My name is Maria Gianpoeano Romano but my friends call me CraftyItalian". Ok CraftyItalian, I really am sor..."I SAID MY FRIENDS CALL ME CRAFTYITALIAN!!! You can call me Crafty" . Yikes, I guess you're still upset about this little incident...maybe I can call you CraftyIta which would make me partly a friend? "AAARRRGGGGGGGGGG!!!" screamed Crafty." Zebediah stepped in. "I apologize for my imbecilic bumbling friend's attitude...you just can't educate pork!!!".
I took down Crafty's store phone number, and promised to call her back for the cost of the repairs she and the mall owner will want from me. Despite all of this, Zebediah agreed to play heads up with me in the next few days, in order to get ready for our live Texas Holdem tournament.
Sunday, March 25, 2007
Saturday, March 17, 2007
Christmas Shopping with BigM.
You know what BigM and I hate almost as much as a rectal exam or rotten bananas? Christmas shopping!!!!!
Now don't get me wrong, Christmas season is my favourite time of the year. I remember my favourite Christmas present of all time. It was a talking Hillbilly doll. I called him HB. When you pulled on HB's pull-string, he would say "Hidee there Yungins. Yontto get crazier than a run over dog and clown around?" The first time BigM and I heard that, we ran and hid under the bed thinking HB was telling us to run and hide because some crazy clown named Yontto ran over our dog Shaggy with his car. Mom eventually explained to us that HB was asking us to get crazy and play with him. Whenever BigM and I would come home from Daisy's, our babysitter, BigM would go crying in the bedroom after the usual bullying he gets by the other toys because of his Plaidbanana. HB would say "Hey chimpboy, you gotta git tougher than a one-eard alley cat with them dawgs or they'll pick at you fer ever". To this day, I still don't know what the hell HB was talking about but BigM became more aggressive with the toys and they left him alone.
My love for the Christmas season is also due to the fact that I get a chance to spoil my daughter.
I remember when she was 2 years old and I had this huge desire to spoil her rotten. I dressed up as Santa and woke her up early Christmas morning, like I've done until she was 11. HoHoHo Santa would say, and Kayla would jump out of bed and hold santas hand leading him to the living room where BigM and HB would be sitting amongst the mountain of presents. Kayla would take so much time to open her gifts, HB would say "Lans-sake little one, hurry so I can pull out the shine and get lickered up". BigM would be right in there anxious to see what was in the packages. "That chimp is as nosy as a pet 'coon". By the time she was done opening her presents, daddy would be snoring away in bed alongside a drunk HB while Kayla and BigM played with her toys.
The only drawback to my favourite season is Christmas shopping. I don't drive, so the lovely experience of Christmas shopping for me is compounded by the fact that I have to bring all my gifts back home by bus. I have a habit of procrastinating when it comes to Christmas shopping. So our great adventure began on December 23rd, in the afternoon, during a violent Canadian snowstorm. I finally had BigM's Plaidbanana and 2 fingers sewn to his hand so he wasn't uncomfortable going out in public anymore. We stood at the bus stop in the blowing snow and minus 50 degree Celsius temperatures counting the wind chill factor. What a sight it must have been for the people driving by. A big trembling Uncle Fester-looking Frenchman wearing bright red ear muffs holding hands with a snow covered monkey protecting his frozen Plaidbanana from the harsh elements.
Finally, after 20 minutes, the bus came around the corner. BigM and I hugged each other like two survivors of a horrific avalanche seeing rescue helicopters coming to their aid. As the bus got closer, BigM and I pried ourselves from each other and braced ourselves for the long-awaited moment. But the bus didn't stop. It was full and just drove right by. BigM bolted out of my hands and grabbed on to the back of the bus. All of a sudden, I was chasing a bus with a lunatic monkey flapping in the wind from it's roof holding a frozen Plaidbanana. "Let go BigM, you don't know where you're going!!". "I can't, my hand is frozen to the top of the bus". So I chased the bus for 8 blocks. Luckily people were getting off at most of the stops and I finally caught up to it. "Excuse me sir, can you wait a minute so I can get my monkey off the top of your bus?" The driver reluctantly waited until I came back with BigM. We stood in the bus and noticed that the people were laughing at us. I guess you would laugh too if you saw a big bald headed man with a frozen face matching the color of his ear muffs, a white frostbitten nose holding a snow covered monkey clutching to his frozen Plaidbanana and icicles hanging from his Harryparatestes.
We finally got to the shopping mall. BigM and I sat down at the food court sipping on our hot chocolates and trying to get over that terrible ordeal. After a half an hour of thawing out and devouring a heaping bowl of poutine, I grabbed BigM and set out for the department store.
I sat BigM in the shopping cart and off we went. I needed to find all my presents in this mall because of the fact that I didn't want to be shopping mall hopping in a violent snowstorm on jam-packed buses.
I took out my daughter's Christmas gift list and went to the movies and music department. She wanted the"Dance Tunes 2007" CD but all BigM and I could find was the 2006 version. I found a department clerk to ask if they had more 2007 versions in the back or on display somewhere. His store name tag read "Mouse". "That's an odd name for a person" BigM and I thought, but we figured that it must be his nickname or something. "Hello mate, how may I help you?" I'm shopping for my daughter and was looking for the "Dance Tunes 2007" CD and all I could find is the 2006 version. "Are you off your trolley mate? It's December 23rd, you're lucky to have found the 2006 version". I looked down at my list and saw "Silent Hill" which is a horror movie that Kayla wanted to see. Do you have "Silent Hill" on DVD? "You're a real plonker aren't you? What kind of man let's his daughter watch such a film?" While this was going on, BigM was rubbing his Harryparatestes to dry off the remains of the icicles. "My god! your friend is playing with his rude bits, make him stop or take him to the loo". OK dude, never mind, I'll find what I'm looking for by myself.
Three hours later, BigM and I were able to find everything on Kayla's list except for the "Dance Tunes 2007" CD. By now, BigM is sleeping like a baby in the shopping cart sucking on his Plaidbanana. I head towards the nearest cash register and I find myself faced with the longest lineups imaginable. Each lineup extended through 2 store aisles There were 8 cash register counters but only 4 were open. It's December 23rd!!! Where is your staff??? I see 2 cashiers alongside their closed counters straightening out the candy and magazine sections leading to their cash registers. A third cashier walks up and asks if she needs to open her cash register. I sarcastically tell her "naw it's OK dear, why don't you just go and place the returned items of the day on the shelves where they belong, we're in no hurry". So she turns around and leaves. Now I'm fuming. I storm my way to the back of a line, waking BigM out of his deep sleep, and find myself waiting way back in the music department. There's that Mouse dude sitting behind his counter eating his lunch. He looks up at me and BigM and says "Hey mate, sorry about my rudeness earlier, it's been a long day. Nothing like playing a little bit of Noughts and Crosses eating Bangers & Mash along with Spotted Dick to ease the tension". BigM looks at me and says "isn't he playing Tick-Tack-Toe and eating sausage and potatoes with some sort of hot pudding?" Leave it alone BigM, just leave it alone.
An hour and a half later, we've paid for our purchases and get back to the food court. I now find myself sitting at a table with 12 huge bags of Christmas presents and a whining monkey screaming "I wanna go home" over and over and over. Jeez that monkey is moody!!!
Let's see now, we left the house at noon, and it's 6pm. There's no way I'm leaving here without rewarding myself for going through this horrible experience. I'm gonna get myself 2 large steak and cheese subs filled with all the ingredients they can fit and devour them at home with a litre of chocolate milk. Off we go... Uncle Fester wearing his bright red ear muffs, with his plush monkey holding a Plaidbanana in one hand, while in the other hand, 12 huge bags of Christmas presents and another containing my 2 subs. Of course, the snowstorm is even worse and there are no buses in sight. I now find myself sitting in a bus shelter with 12 huge bags of Christmas presents lined up on the floor, another holding my 2 prized subs, and a trembling monkey laying beside me screaming "There's no place like home, there's no place like home". I can hear the people around me giggling like little girls, but who can blame them, and who really cares. I just want to go home, lie on the couch eating my subs and washing it all down with 1 litre of chocolate milk. 25 minutes later, the damn bus gets here. With one hand, I grab BigM, who was now screaming "I'm playing with my rude bits" over and over and over, and grab the bags as quickly as I can before the bus decides to leave us behind.
Finally, we're on our way home. I've got BigM, the Christmas presents and my reward for going through this hellish experience, my su...Oh no!!! Where are the subs? I look out the bus window and there is my bag of subs, sitting in the bus shelter slowly fading away in the snowy night. STOP THE BUS!!! STOP THE BUS!! But it's too late. The bus is now going through the intersection and my subs are lost. Now people are screaming in laughter at the sight of a bald Uncle Fester-looking dude wearing bright red ear muffs, sitting on the bus floor surrounded by 12 huge bags of Christmas presents singing "they're coming to take me away aha, they're coming to take me away hehe hoho" with a crazy monkey holding a Plaidbanana, swinging over my head screaming "look at my spotted dick" over and over and over.
I love Christmas shopping!!!!
Now don't get me wrong, Christmas season is my favourite time of the year. I remember my favourite Christmas present of all time. It was a talking Hillbilly doll. I called him HB. When you pulled on HB's pull-string, he would say "Hidee there Yungins. Yontto get crazier than a run over dog and clown around?" The first time BigM and I heard that, we ran and hid under the bed thinking HB was telling us to run and hide because some crazy clown named Yontto ran over our dog Shaggy with his car. Mom eventually explained to us that HB was asking us to get crazy and play with him. Whenever BigM and I would come home from Daisy's, our babysitter, BigM would go crying in the bedroom after the usual bullying he gets by the other toys because of his Plaidbanana. HB would say "Hey chimpboy, you gotta git tougher than a one-eard alley cat with them dawgs or they'll pick at you fer ever". To this day, I still don't know what the hell HB was talking about but BigM became more aggressive with the toys and they left him alone.
My love for the Christmas season is also due to the fact that I get a chance to spoil my daughter.
I remember when she was 2 years old and I had this huge desire to spoil her rotten. I dressed up as Santa and woke her up early Christmas morning, like I've done until she was 11. HoHoHo Santa would say, and Kayla would jump out of bed and hold santas hand leading him to the living room where BigM and HB would be sitting amongst the mountain of presents. Kayla would take so much time to open her gifts, HB would say "Lans-sake little one, hurry so I can pull out the shine and get lickered up". BigM would be right in there anxious to see what was in the packages. "That chimp is as nosy as a pet 'coon". By the time she was done opening her presents, daddy would be snoring away in bed alongside a drunk HB while Kayla and BigM played with her toys.
The only drawback to my favourite season is Christmas shopping. I don't drive, so the lovely experience of Christmas shopping for me is compounded by the fact that I have to bring all my gifts back home by bus. I have a habit of procrastinating when it comes to Christmas shopping. So our great adventure began on December 23rd, in the afternoon, during a violent Canadian snowstorm. I finally had BigM's Plaidbanana and 2 fingers sewn to his hand so he wasn't uncomfortable going out in public anymore. We stood at the bus stop in the blowing snow and minus 50 degree Celsius temperatures counting the wind chill factor. What a sight it must have been for the people driving by. A big trembling Uncle Fester-looking Frenchman wearing bright red ear muffs holding hands with a snow covered monkey protecting his frozen Plaidbanana from the harsh elements.
Finally, after 20 minutes, the bus came around the corner. BigM and I hugged each other like two survivors of a horrific avalanche seeing rescue helicopters coming to their aid. As the bus got closer, BigM and I pried ourselves from each other and braced ourselves for the long-awaited moment. But the bus didn't stop. It was full and just drove right by. BigM bolted out of my hands and grabbed on to the back of the bus. All of a sudden, I was chasing a bus with a lunatic monkey flapping in the wind from it's roof holding a frozen Plaidbanana. "Let go BigM, you don't know where you're going!!". "I can't, my hand is frozen to the top of the bus". So I chased the bus for 8 blocks. Luckily people were getting off at most of the stops and I finally caught up to it. "Excuse me sir, can you wait a minute so I can get my monkey off the top of your bus?" The driver reluctantly waited until I came back with BigM. We stood in the bus and noticed that the people were laughing at us. I guess you would laugh too if you saw a big bald headed man with a frozen face matching the color of his ear muffs, a white frostbitten nose holding a snow covered monkey clutching to his frozen Plaidbanana and icicles hanging from his Harryparatestes.
We finally got to the shopping mall. BigM and I sat down at the food court sipping on our hot chocolates and trying to get over that terrible ordeal. After a half an hour of thawing out and devouring a heaping bowl of poutine, I grabbed BigM and set out for the department store.
I sat BigM in the shopping cart and off we went. I needed to find all my presents in this mall because of the fact that I didn't want to be shopping mall hopping in a violent snowstorm on jam-packed buses.
I took out my daughter's Christmas gift list and went to the movies and music department. She wanted the"Dance Tunes 2007" CD but all BigM and I could find was the 2006 version. I found a department clerk to ask if they had more 2007 versions in the back or on display somewhere. His store name tag read "Mouse". "That's an odd name for a person" BigM and I thought, but we figured that it must be his nickname or something. "Hello mate, how may I help you?" I'm shopping for my daughter and was looking for the "Dance Tunes 2007" CD and all I could find is the 2006 version. "Are you off your trolley mate? It's December 23rd, you're lucky to have found the 2006 version". I looked down at my list and saw "Silent Hill" which is a horror movie that Kayla wanted to see. Do you have "Silent Hill" on DVD? "You're a real plonker aren't you? What kind of man let's his daughter watch such a film?" While this was going on, BigM was rubbing his Harryparatestes to dry off the remains of the icicles. "My god! your friend is playing with his rude bits, make him stop or take him to the loo". OK dude, never mind, I'll find what I'm looking for by myself.
Three hours later, BigM and I were able to find everything on Kayla's list except for the "Dance Tunes 2007" CD. By now, BigM is sleeping like a baby in the shopping cart sucking on his Plaidbanana. I head towards the nearest cash register and I find myself faced with the longest lineups imaginable. Each lineup extended through 2 store aisles There were 8 cash register counters but only 4 were open. It's December 23rd!!! Where is your staff??? I see 2 cashiers alongside their closed counters straightening out the candy and magazine sections leading to their cash registers. A third cashier walks up and asks if she needs to open her cash register. I sarcastically tell her "naw it's OK dear, why don't you just go and place the returned items of the day on the shelves where they belong, we're in no hurry". So she turns around and leaves. Now I'm fuming. I storm my way to the back of a line, waking BigM out of his deep sleep, and find myself waiting way back in the music department. There's that Mouse dude sitting behind his counter eating his lunch. He looks up at me and BigM and says "Hey mate, sorry about my rudeness earlier, it's been a long day. Nothing like playing a little bit of Noughts and Crosses eating Bangers & Mash along with Spotted Dick to ease the tension". BigM looks at me and says "isn't he playing Tick-Tack-Toe and eating sausage and potatoes with some sort of hot pudding?" Leave it alone BigM, just leave it alone.
An hour and a half later, we've paid for our purchases and get back to the food court. I now find myself sitting at a table with 12 huge bags of Christmas presents and a whining monkey screaming "I wanna go home" over and over and over. Jeez that monkey is moody!!!
Let's see now, we left the house at noon, and it's 6pm. There's no way I'm leaving here without rewarding myself for going through this horrible experience. I'm gonna get myself 2 large steak and cheese subs filled with all the ingredients they can fit and devour them at home with a litre of chocolate milk. Off we go... Uncle Fester wearing his bright red ear muffs, with his plush monkey holding a Plaidbanana in one hand, while in the other hand, 12 huge bags of Christmas presents and another containing my 2 subs. Of course, the snowstorm is even worse and there are no buses in sight. I now find myself sitting in a bus shelter with 12 huge bags of Christmas presents lined up on the floor, another holding my 2 prized subs, and a trembling monkey laying beside me screaming "There's no place like home, there's no place like home". I can hear the people around me giggling like little girls, but who can blame them, and who really cares. I just want to go home, lie on the couch eating my subs and washing it all down with 1 litre of chocolate milk. 25 minutes later, the damn bus gets here. With one hand, I grab BigM, who was now screaming "I'm playing with my rude bits" over and over and over, and grab the bags as quickly as I can before the bus decides to leave us behind.
Finally, we're on our way home. I've got BigM, the Christmas presents and my reward for going through this hellish experience, my su...Oh no!!! Where are the subs? I look out the bus window and there is my bag of subs, sitting in the bus shelter slowly fading away in the snowy night. STOP THE BUS!!! STOP THE BUS!! But it's too late. The bus is now going through the intersection and my subs are lost. Now people are screaming in laughter at the sight of a bald Uncle Fester-looking dude wearing bright red ear muffs, sitting on the bus floor surrounded by 12 huge bags of Christmas presents singing "they're coming to take me away aha, they're coming to take me away hehe hoho" with a crazy monkey holding a Plaidbanana, swinging over my head screaming "look at my spotted dick" over and over and over.
I love Christmas shopping!!!!
Monday, March 12, 2007
Coco and BigM - The Beginning.
I still remember when my parents first brought him home. I was 1 1/2 years old. My parents weren't very rich, so when they bought me something, it would be from the "reduced" shelf. Sure enough, they brought me a monkey wearing a red dress, dark sunglasses and holding a strange looking banana. He took off his sunglasses, and I couldn't believe what I was gazing at. That monkey had the sexiest eyes I had ever seen. I quickly grabbed him out out my mom's hands "What are you going to call him Coco?" I looked under his dress and the first thing that came to mind was "Harryparatestes". The monkey looked down at his crotch and laughed. I guess he can understand baby talk. "Why don't you call him BigM for Big Monkey?" says mom. Oh how original!!! I'm surprised she didn't name me BigN for Big Newborn!!! Oh Monkey, you like BigM do ya??? Whatever, BigM it is. But this dress has got to go. You're a boy monkey BigM!!!
The thing that fascinated me the most about BigM was that he could actually hold a plastic banana on his own. What was even more fascinating is that the banana wasn't yellow like the bananas mom fed me, it was checkered in yellow and green...It was a PlaidBanana!!!! I wanted that PlaidBanana and BigM knew it. He was a smart monkey though. Whenever I walked near him, he'd stick Plaidbanana up his butt so that I wouldn't want to touch it, but little did he know that I liked to play with my own doodoo, so it didn't faze me whatsoever.
One day, I decided "This is It!!!" I took my diaper of for more freedom of movement and because it was full of crap. As I walked by BigM, he stuck Plaidbanana in his usual spot. I pulled his arm out, grabbed Plaidbanana and ran. I figured that if I ran fast enough and swerved enough times, that the little bastard would eventually let go of Plaidbanana...so off we went, I ran up the stairs, bouncing him from step to step, hoping he'd let go, but he didn't!!! He looked at me and said "Why The Long Face?" ARGGGGHHH!!!! I dragged him down the hall, swerving from side to side, bouncing him of the walls, jumped over our dog, Shaggy, who bit BigM's butt and wouldn't let go. That banana is as good as mine now!!! Here we are, Shaggy and I playing monkey tug of war and BigM screaming hysterically. Then for some strange reason, Shaggy let go. BigM and I were now tumbling back down the stairs, our lives flashing before our eyes, both still holding on to Plaidbanana for dear life. We both landed in a pile of laundry. I opened my eyes, got up, and found myself with my head sticking out of one of my dad's underwear legs with my left leg sticking out the other. Little did I know that a similar incident would happen later in life. I looked back and there was BigM hanging like a Dingleberry with his arm and Plaidbanana up my tush!!! I looked up the stairs and Shaggy was apologetically staring at us. "What was that all about Shag? "POO" is all he said. "From that day, I came to realize that Plaidbanana was BigM's for good.
As the years went by, BigM and I became inseparable. We went to the playground together, the Shopping Mall, took walks in the stroller and of course we were together at Daisy's, the babysitter.I liked Daisy a lot!!! My heart would just melt when she called me SUGAR..."What can I get cha SUGAR" or "Time for your bath SUGAR". I couldn't get enough of that. BigM hated going to the babysitters. He liked Daisy but couldn't fit in with the toys. Most of the toys called him names cause he didn't have a yellow banana like the other monkeys. He had a Plaidbanana. They wouldn't let poor BigM, join in any monkey games. His only friend was MoreM, a cute little monkey who always carried around a rack of lamb with her. "Nice rack!!" BigM told her when they first met. I think MoreM liked BigM for his Plaidbanana. "I just love your big banana BigM, it's kind of a turn on." "It's not only how big it is MoreM, it's also how well I use it." Needless to say, they became an item.
BigM and I also loved watching TV. Our favourite shows were Scooby Doo, Captain Kangaroo and The Mighty Hercules. In Scooby Doo, everyone loved Daphne, the so-called redheaded bombshell with the hot legs but I was hot for Velma. She had that somewhat seductive but definitely authoritative voice, a trait in a woman that I've always loved even as of today. BigM hated the show because when the villain got caught, he or she would always say "I would have gotten away with it, if not for these meddling kids!!!" I guess he had a point but I still loved the show.
I loved The Mighty Hercules, especially Newton's song..."I'm glad, I'm glad, to have, to have, a friend, a friend, like Hercules, like Hercules, Like Hercules." I had a few problems with the show though. First off, all the monsters had the same darn growl/scream, whether it was a 4 headed dinausourous-like monster, or a big fat rooster-like eagle. Secondly, when any of the monsters were running at Hercules to beat the crap out of him, they would originally succeed and throw him 30 feet away. Hercules always had the time to reach into his pocket, slip his magic ring on, lift his arm up in the air, flashes of lightning hitting the ring to give him superpowers, and be able to brace himself and destroy the oncoming beast before it got to him. He also seemed to be able to reach behind a tree, a bush or a rock and grab his trusted sword.
BigM's favourite show was The Monkees (go figure). That show drove me crazy. BigM would jump around and sing "Hey Hey we're the Monkees, And people say we monkey around, But we're too busy singing, To put anybody down". WOW, THAT WAS DEEP!!!! What can you possibly get out of this song???
Needless to say, BigM and I were as close of friends as friends could be. Later on, I'll give you more details on my teenage years with BigM.
The thing that fascinated me the most about BigM was that he could actually hold a plastic banana on his own. What was even more fascinating is that the banana wasn't yellow like the bananas mom fed me, it was checkered in yellow and green...It was a PlaidBanana!!!! I wanted that PlaidBanana and BigM knew it. He was a smart monkey though. Whenever I walked near him, he'd stick Plaidbanana up his butt so that I wouldn't want to touch it, but little did he know that I liked to play with my own doodoo, so it didn't faze me whatsoever.
One day, I decided "This is It!!!" I took my diaper of for more freedom of movement and because it was full of crap. As I walked by BigM, he stuck Plaidbanana in his usual spot. I pulled his arm out, grabbed Plaidbanana and ran. I figured that if I ran fast enough and swerved enough times, that the little bastard would eventually let go of Plaidbanana...so off we went, I ran up the stairs, bouncing him from step to step, hoping he'd let go, but he didn't!!! He looked at me and said "Why The Long Face?" ARGGGGHHH!!!! I dragged him down the hall, swerving from side to side, bouncing him of the walls, jumped over our dog, Shaggy, who bit BigM's butt and wouldn't let go. That banana is as good as mine now!!! Here we are, Shaggy and I playing monkey tug of war and BigM screaming hysterically. Then for some strange reason, Shaggy let go. BigM and I were now tumbling back down the stairs, our lives flashing before our eyes, both still holding on to Plaidbanana for dear life. We both landed in a pile of laundry. I opened my eyes, got up, and found myself with my head sticking out of one of my dad's underwear legs with my left leg sticking out the other. Little did I know that a similar incident would happen later in life. I looked back and there was BigM hanging like a Dingleberry with his arm and Plaidbanana up my tush!!! I looked up the stairs and Shaggy was apologetically staring at us. "What was that all about Shag? "POO" is all he said. "From that day, I came to realize that Plaidbanana was BigM's for good.
As the years went by, BigM and I became inseparable. We went to the playground together, the Shopping Mall, took walks in the stroller and of course we were together at Daisy's, the babysitter.I liked Daisy a lot!!! My heart would just melt when she called me SUGAR..."What can I get cha SUGAR" or "Time for your bath SUGAR". I couldn't get enough of that. BigM hated going to the babysitters. He liked Daisy but couldn't fit in with the toys. Most of the toys called him names cause he didn't have a yellow banana like the other monkeys. He had a Plaidbanana. They wouldn't let poor BigM, join in any monkey games. His only friend was MoreM, a cute little monkey who always carried around a rack of lamb with her. "Nice rack!!" BigM told her when they first met. I think MoreM liked BigM for his Plaidbanana. "I just love your big banana BigM, it's kind of a turn on." "It's not only how big it is MoreM, it's also how well I use it." Needless to say, they became an item.
BigM and I also loved watching TV. Our favourite shows were Scooby Doo, Captain Kangaroo and The Mighty Hercules. In Scooby Doo, everyone loved Daphne, the so-called redheaded bombshell with the hot legs but I was hot for Velma. She had that somewhat seductive but definitely authoritative voice, a trait in a woman that I've always loved even as of today. BigM hated the show because when the villain got caught, he or she would always say "I would have gotten away with it, if not for these meddling kids!!!" I guess he had a point but I still loved the show.
I loved The Mighty Hercules, especially Newton's song..."I'm glad, I'm glad, to have, to have, a friend, a friend, like Hercules, like Hercules, Like Hercules." I had a few problems with the show though. First off, all the monsters had the same darn growl/scream, whether it was a 4 headed dinausourous-like monster, or a big fat rooster-like eagle. Secondly, when any of the monsters were running at Hercules to beat the crap out of him, they would originally succeed and throw him 30 feet away. Hercules always had the time to reach into his pocket, slip his magic ring on, lift his arm up in the air, flashes of lightning hitting the ring to give him superpowers, and be able to brace himself and destroy the oncoming beast before it got to him. He also seemed to be able to reach behind a tree, a bush or a rock and grab his trusted sword.
BigM's favourite show was The Monkees (go figure). That show drove me crazy. BigM would jump around and sing "Hey Hey we're the Monkees, And people say we monkey around, But we're too busy singing, To put anybody down". WOW, THAT WAS DEEP!!!! What can you possibly get out of this song???
Needless to say, BigM and I were as close of friends as friends could be. Later on, I'll give you more details on my teenage years with BigM.
Thursday, March 8, 2007
Obsessive Compulsive Disorder...My first Visit to Therapist.
Yes that's right, I have OCD. It's basically, in my case anyways, a psychiatric disorder most commonly characterized by having obsessive, and intrusive thoughts and related compulsions (tasks or rituals) which attempt to neutralize the obsessions. In my case, my brain won't trust what my eyes see and my rituals are checking (sometimes checking 10x) everything I do.
Now, I'm not making fun of people with OCD, just of myself lol.
About a year ago, I had my first appointment with my OCD therapist, we'll call her Dess. I remember when the therapist, Dess, first called me to set up that first appoitment, I said to myself "Wow does she ever have a seductive and authoratative voice!!!". We set up the appointment and I booked the day off from work.
The night before the appointment was a killer. I was a little anxious about the appointment which amplified my checking rituals. It was time for bed, so I had to go through my bedtime checking routine.
Television off, stare at it, still of, stare at it, still off...Computer off, light is dark on tower, light is still off on tower, still off, DARN LUCIFER (my cat) just walked in front of the tower so I have to start over...Computer off, light is dark on tower, light is still off on tower,still off...Oven knobs (5 off them GRRRR) Off-Off-Off-Off-Off left to right, Off-Off-Off-Off-Off right to left, 2 more Xs, MEEEOOOWWWWWWWWWW!!!!..Oh sorry Chucky (my other cat), I didn't see your tail COOCHEECOOCHEECOOO poor baby boy...DOH, gotta start the oven check all over!!!Off-Off-Off-Off-Off left to right, Off-Off-Off-Off-Off right to left, 2 more Xs, still off....Lights, front door, back door, you get the picture...
Alarm clock, now this is special...anyone with a clock radio alarm will understand...OK it's 11 o'clock with the dot, meaning that at midnight there won't be a dot, the alarm is set for 7 am without the dot, "push" the alarm is on...it's 11 o'clock with the dot, meaning that at midnight there won't be a dot, the alarm is set for 7 am without the dot, "push" the alarm is on...it's 11 o'cl DOHHH!!! the time changed to 11:01!!! It's 11:01 with the dot, meaning...I have to do all this within a minute or I have to start over again...phew, 11:09 and done, a pretty good night this time.
Well, it's appointment day with Dess, my therapist. Where's BigM??? There you are BigM, you're coming for another trip buddy... I promise this visit won't be as traumatic as the last one ok? Out we go, lock the door, turn the knob and push, it's locked, turn and push, turn and push, turn and push...Oh hello officer, what can I do for you? "I've been watching you for the last 20 minutes trying to break into this house, I'm afraid you'll have to come with me sir"...no officer, I live here, I'm just checking to make sure it's locked before I go, 20 minutes hey? not so bad...."Can I see some identification please, maybe your drivers license?" Sorry officer I don't drive but here's my buspass with picture..."how about a passport?" sorry officer, I don't fly...ever since 911 and also the fact that I realized that planes aren't suspended in the air by huge chains...tell you what officer, I'll open the door with this key, shouldn't that prove that I live here?After 20 minutes of the officer questionning me on what items were in each kitchen cupboard, he let me go.
The bus ride wasn't very amusing for BigM and I...people were staring at us the whole trip, probably because they thought it was strange to see a big bald guy holding hands with a little fury monkey whose 2 fingers are taped to one hand while a plastic banana is taped to the other. BigM had his face pushed against my side cause he hates being stared at.
While in the waiting room outside Dess's (my therapist) office, she came in and asked me to fill out this questionnaire to evaluate my degree of OCD..."it'll only take 5 minutes at most" she said. "Oh I see you brought a friend?" Hmm, why does that sound familiar?...Oh this is my friend BigM, he calms me down in situations of anxiety. I was taken aback by this lovely, 5'9" 138pd muscular woman with the seductive but authoratative voice, and reluctantly agreed to fill out the questionnaire...now why would you give a 4 page questionnaire to a person with OCD, especially me with my checking rituals???
Multiple choice questionnaire GREAT!!!
First question: Do you find yourself checking things more than once?
a) never b) sometimes c) often d) all the time...my answer is d!!!
Now I have to re-read the question and make sure that I chose an answer, chose the right answer and didn't misunderstand the question...ok 39 more questions to go!!! Dess comes back with a book in hand called "How to avoid stalkers in poker rooms"..."5 minutes is up, are you ready?" Umm, I'm at question 7...sorry...BigM covers his eyes with his taped-up hand, I guess he's embarrassed for me..."Oh ok, I'll come back in 5 minutes, but you don't have to make sure of all your answers OK?"...OK Dess...5 minutes later, "ready?" Umm I'm at question 20, I'm going a little faster right?..."OK mister Whissell, 5 more minutes OK?" Oh-Oh, there's that authoratative voice coming out Sighhhh!!!! BigM is hiding under my chair sensing friction...There, done after 15 minutes...Dess grabs the questionnaire out of my hands before I have a chance to re-check the answers again.
I grab BigM, who is now hiding in the coat rack, with his banana sticking out of one of the coat sleeves, and follow Dess to her office. It's a nice office...on her desk are a picture of I think is a dog, but looks more like a giant brown dinosaur or something, at the bottom it says "I love you Owen"...and another picture of some sexy bald guy flexing his muscles and wearing a silly Canada hat...at the bottom it says "What a Man!!!"
So here we are, Cocopoutine, BigM and Dess sitting in a therapists office...for some reason, I feel like the three of us have a connection somehow. "Hello, my name is Dess and I'm your therapist. We'll be working on your OCD together. Let's go over your questionnaire. Hmmmm, out of 40 questions, you've scratched out and re-answered 36 of them...the questionnaire is full of scratchings and circles over different answers!!!" Maybe you should have given me a pencil and eraser instead of the pen...sorry Dess.
The rest of the session was Dess asking me the questions over and her filling in my answers. It wasn't a great first impression with my therapist but we continued the work. I'll keep you posted on the improvements.
Now, I'm not making fun of people with OCD, just of myself lol.
About a year ago, I had my first appointment with my OCD therapist, we'll call her Dess. I remember when the therapist, Dess, first called me to set up that first appoitment, I said to myself "Wow does she ever have a seductive and authoratative voice!!!". We set up the appointment and I booked the day off from work.
The night before the appointment was a killer. I was a little anxious about the appointment which amplified my checking rituals. It was time for bed, so I had to go through my bedtime checking routine.
Television off, stare at it, still of, stare at it, still off...Computer off, light is dark on tower, light is still off on tower, still off, DARN LUCIFER (my cat) just walked in front of the tower so I have to start over...Computer off, light is dark on tower, light is still off on tower,still off...Oven knobs (5 off them GRRRR) Off-Off-Off-Off-Off left to right, Off-Off-Off-Off-Off right to left, 2 more Xs, MEEEOOOWWWWWWWWWW!!!!..Oh sorry Chucky (my other cat), I didn't see your tail COOCHEECOOCHEECOOO poor baby boy...DOH, gotta start the oven check all over!!!Off-Off-Off-Off-Off left to right, Off-Off-Off-Off-Off right to left, 2 more Xs, still off....Lights, front door, back door, you get the picture...
Alarm clock, now this is special...anyone with a clock radio alarm will understand...OK it's 11 o'clock with the dot, meaning that at midnight there won't be a dot, the alarm is set for 7 am without the dot, "push" the alarm is on...it's 11 o'clock with the dot, meaning that at midnight there won't be a dot, the alarm is set for 7 am without the dot, "push" the alarm is on...it's 11 o'cl DOHHH!!! the time changed to 11:01!!! It's 11:01 with the dot, meaning...I have to do all this within a minute or I have to start over again...phew, 11:09 and done, a pretty good night this time.
Well, it's appointment day with Dess, my therapist. Where's BigM??? There you are BigM, you're coming for another trip buddy... I promise this visit won't be as traumatic as the last one ok? Out we go, lock the door, turn the knob and push, it's locked, turn and push, turn and push, turn and push...Oh hello officer, what can I do for you? "I've been watching you for the last 20 minutes trying to break into this house, I'm afraid you'll have to come with me sir"...no officer, I live here, I'm just checking to make sure it's locked before I go, 20 minutes hey? not so bad...."Can I see some identification please, maybe your drivers license?" Sorry officer I don't drive but here's my buspass with picture..."how about a passport?" sorry officer, I don't fly...ever since 911 and also the fact that I realized that planes aren't suspended in the air by huge chains...tell you what officer, I'll open the door with this key, shouldn't that prove that I live here?After 20 minutes of the officer questionning me on what items were in each kitchen cupboard, he let me go.
The bus ride wasn't very amusing for BigM and I...people were staring at us the whole trip, probably because they thought it was strange to see a big bald guy holding hands with a little fury monkey whose 2 fingers are taped to one hand while a plastic banana is taped to the other. BigM had his face pushed against my side cause he hates being stared at.
While in the waiting room outside Dess's (my therapist) office, she came in and asked me to fill out this questionnaire to evaluate my degree of OCD..."it'll only take 5 minutes at most" she said. "Oh I see you brought a friend?" Hmm, why does that sound familiar?...Oh this is my friend BigM, he calms me down in situations of anxiety. I was taken aback by this lovely, 5'9" 138pd muscular woman with the seductive but authoratative voice, and reluctantly agreed to fill out the questionnaire...now why would you give a 4 page questionnaire to a person with OCD, especially me with my checking rituals???
Multiple choice questionnaire GREAT!!!
First question: Do you find yourself checking things more than once?
a) never b) sometimes c) often d) all the time...my answer is d!!!
Now I have to re-read the question and make sure that I chose an answer, chose the right answer and didn't misunderstand the question...ok 39 more questions to go!!! Dess comes back with a book in hand called "How to avoid stalkers in poker rooms"..."5 minutes is up, are you ready?" Umm, I'm at question 7...sorry...BigM covers his eyes with his taped-up hand, I guess he's embarrassed for me..."Oh ok, I'll come back in 5 minutes, but you don't have to make sure of all your answers OK?"...OK Dess...5 minutes later, "ready?" Umm I'm at question 20, I'm going a little faster right?..."OK mister Whissell, 5 more minutes OK?" Oh-Oh, there's that authoratative voice coming out Sighhhh!!!! BigM is hiding under my chair sensing friction...There, done after 15 minutes...Dess grabs the questionnaire out of my hands before I have a chance to re-check the answers again.
I grab BigM, who is now hiding in the coat rack, with his banana sticking out of one of the coat sleeves, and follow Dess to her office. It's a nice office...on her desk are a picture of I think is a dog, but looks more like a giant brown dinosaur or something, at the bottom it says "I love you Owen"...and another picture of some sexy bald guy flexing his muscles and wearing a silly Canada hat...at the bottom it says "What a Man!!!"
So here we are, Cocopoutine, BigM and Dess sitting in a therapists office...for some reason, I feel like the three of us have a connection somehow. "Hello, my name is Dess and I'm your therapist. We'll be working on your OCD together. Let's go over your questionnaire. Hmmmm, out of 40 questions, you've scratched out and re-answered 36 of them...the questionnaire is full of scratchings and circles over different answers!!!" Maybe you should have given me a pencil and eraser instead of the pen...sorry Dess.
The rest of the session was Dess asking me the questions over and her filling in my answers. It wasn't a great first impression with my therapist but we continued the work. I'll keep you posted on the improvements.
Monday, March 5, 2007
My Family Doctor.
This is a story about my first 12 years with my family doctor.
I first met him in 1995. His name is (and I'm not kidding) George Michaels which is strikingly similar to George Michael the singer.
On my way to my first ever visit, I thought I'd make a funny about his name, you know, to sort of break the ice. I sat in his office. When he walked in he said good day. My reply was "wake me up before you go go" which is a popular song from George Michael's days with the 80's group "Wham". I started giggling like a little girl because I thought that was pretty funny, but the doc just sat down and didn't acknowledge my joke. He looked up and said "I received your file from your previous doctor" and started questioning me on some of the information on that file.
LOL I thought to myself, he must have not heard me or something. After a few more questions, he said that in order for him to help me stay in good health, that I would have to make sure to take the medications he prescribed. I thought, "let's make another funny" so I replied "You gotta have faith a faith a faith, you gotta have faith a faith a faith" in me doc. Again I started to giggle only to have the doc say "you know, you're not the first person to make similar jokes with my name...it kinda gets stale after a while.
Yikes, an even more awkward moment. "Sorry doc, was just trying to be funny". He then filled out a form requesting blood samples and for me to come back in 2 weeks to discuss the results. Now anyone who knows me, knows that I love to make people laugh and it bugged me not to have been able to do that with the doc. But it was so awkward that I figured I'd leave it alone.
Two weeks later, I was back in the examining room and fighting my urge to make a joke about his name. The doc walks in and again says "good day". Before I could even think of the possible consequences, I replied "Hi doc, you know , I have all your albums, including your days with Wham"...Obviously, you guys can tell that I have a problem of saying the first thing that comes to my head and not be able to keep it in like most people can. He just stared at me and before he could say "YOU DAMN FRENCH IGNORANT MORON!!!" I said "sorry doc, it won't happen again"....So needless to say, we didn't get off on the right foot.
As the months and years went on, I saw him when needed and most often to try and control my tendency towards high blood pressure. Of course, he prescribed pills and told me that bettering my choice of food was very important. I took the pills and exercised fairly enough but the blood pressure would only get a little lower, not enough to satisfy the doc. He asked me "do you eat vegetables with your meals?"...I told him not really because they don't send you any with your pizza order except for the green peppers and mushrooms included in the toppings. "Do you often salt your food?" he asked..."well I like to salt my Poutine, it makes it taste better". Now for you non-Canadians, Poutine is a french Canadian treat that consists of french fries draped with curd cheese and smothered in gravy....
"What??? All you eat is pizza and poutine", he said. Of course not, I also eat frozen dinners the odd time. He went on telling me that pizza dough, cheese, gravy and french fries were definitely affecting my blood pressure. How often do you eat poutine? he asked...About 3 times a week I guess. "That's about 12 or 13 poutines a month...do you know what you're doing to your body??? Well if you look at it that way, I guess it's a lot. I also said to myself that the numbers were actually higher, and of course, I couldn't keep it to myself. "Actually doc, it's 3 times a week but I order 2 poutine's each time...you see there's a restaurant that has a combo special where you get 1 poutine, a pop and a pack of cigarettes for a great price...I don't smoke so I replace the smokes for an extra poutine. He wasn't impressed..."that means you eat 24 poutines a month??? and on top of that, you eat the occasional pizza and frozen dinners as well?" You have to stop this if you want to get your blood pressure down to normal, on top of clogging your arteries!!!!" Ok then, every second order, I'll get the extra poutine and keep the original cigarette combo the other times. That's only 18 poutines a month and I'll start smoking...is that better doc? Needless to say, he didn't laugh and told me to stop the poutines completely...I agreed to reduce the order to once a week and make it 4 poutines a month...but I'm weak so it's more like 18 poutines.
Hopefully I can keep the 18 poutines a secret...in my next post, I'll tell you guys about my first physical with the doc about 2 years ago.
I first met him in 1995. His name is (and I'm not kidding) George Michaels which is strikingly similar to George Michael the singer.
On my way to my first ever visit, I thought I'd make a funny about his name, you know, to sort of break the ice. I sat in his office. When he walked in he said good day. My reply was "wake me up before you go go" which is a popular song from George Michael's days with the 80's group "Wham". I started giggling like a little girl because I thought that was pretty funny, but the doc just sat down and didn't acknowledge my joke. He looked up and said "I received your file from your previous doctor" and started questioning me on some of the information on that file.
LOL I thought to myself, he must have not heard me or something. After a few more questions, he said that in order for him to help me stay in good health, that I would have to make sure to take the medications he prescribed. I thought, "let's make another funny" so I replied "You gotta have faith a faith a faith, you gotta have faith a faith a faith" in me doc. Again I started to giggle only to have the doc say "you know, you're not the first person to make similar jokes with my name...it kinda gets stale after a while.
Yikes, an even more awkward moment. "Sorry doc, was just trying to be funny". He then filled out a form requesting blood samples and for me to come back in 2 weeks to discuss the results. Now anyone who knows me, knows that I love to make people laugh and it bugged me not to have been able to do that with the doc. But it was so awkward that I figured I'd leave it alone.
Two weeks later, I was back in the examining room and fighting my urge to make a joke about his name. The doc walks in and again says "good day". Before I could even think of the possible consequences, I replied "Hi doc, you know , I have all your albums, including your days with Wham"...Obviously, you guys can tell that I have a problem of saying the first thing that comes to my head and not be able to keep it in like most people can. He just stared at me and before he could say "YOU DAMN FRENCH IGNORANT MORON!!!" I said "sorry doc, it won't happen again"....So needless to say, we didn't get off on the right foot.
As the months and years went on, I saw him when needed and most often to try and control my tendency towards high blood pressure. Of course, he prescribed pills and told me that bettering my choice of food was very important. I took the pills and exercised fairly enough but the blood pressure would only get a little lower, not enough to satisfy the doc. He asked me "do you eat vegetables with your meals?"...I told him not really because they don't send you any with your pizza order except for the green peppers and mushrooms included in the toppings. "Do you often salt your food?" he asked..."well I like to salt my Poutine, it makes it taste better". Now for you non-Canadians, Poutine is a french Canadian treat that consists of french fries draped with curd cheese and smothered in gravy....
"What??? All you eat is pizza and poutine", he said. Of course not, I also eat frozen dinners the odd time. He went on telling me that pizza dough, cheese, gravy and french fries were definitely affecting my blood pressure. How often do you eat poutine? he asked...About 3 times a week I guess. "That's about 12 or 13 poutines a month...do you know what you're doing to your body??? Well if you look at it that way, I guess it's a lot. I also said to myself that the numbers were actually higher, and of course, I couldn't keep it to myself. "Actually doc, it's 3 times a week but I order 2 poutine's each time...you see there's a restaurant that has a combo special where you get 1 poutine, a pop and a pack of cigarettes for a great price...I don't smoke so I replace the smokes for an extra poutine. He wasn't impressed..."that means you eat 24 poutines a month??? and on top of that, you eat the occasional pizza and frozen dinners as well?" You have to stop this if you want to get your blood pressure down to normal, on top of clogging your arteries!!!!" Ok then, every second order, I'll get the extra poutine and keep the original cigarette combo the other times. That's only 18 poutines a month and I'll start smoking...is that better doc? Needless to say, he didn't laugh and told me to stop the poutines completely...I agreed to reduce the order to once a week and make it 4 poutines a month...but I'm weak so it's more like 18 poutines.
Hopefully I can keep the 18 poutines a secret...in my next post, I'll tell you guys about my first physical with the doc about 2 years ago.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
