Coco and BigM Visit The Rock.

A few years back, BigM, HillBilly and I contemplated going on a trip but couldn't decide where we should go.

BigM suggested Disneyland. Somehow the thought of HillBilly standing in a little boat at the "It's A Small World" attraction, screaming "Hush yore tater traps you awfullest quair daintsing hissy lickered-up lightning bug yungin furners!!!", shooting at hundreds of brightly costumed audio-animatronic dolls, didn't lead me to believe we'd be frolicking in the spirit of international unity, as the attraction was meant to do. It actually conjured up images of Chuck Norris, hunkered down deep in a Vietnam jungle, picking off General Trau's soldiers one by one, in an incredible effort to free American prisoners of war...

I imagined, out of the Arctic/North Pole room, being ambushed by Scandinavian animatronic dolls. A block of Danish, Norwegian and Swedish fighting dolls were stomping and screaming from behind with spiked balls, lances and shields pointed towards us. English dolls with Cockney accents came running out of the Europe room backed by French and Italian children of the world. Chamois, Wild Ibexes and Marmots came storming with angry yodeling Swiss dolls. We raced as fast as our little boat could go, past the Asian, African and Latin American rooms, only to be greeted by angry howling mermaids tossing King Triton-like tridents at us....Needless to say, we all agreed that Disneyland may not be such a good idea.

One night, we were watching WWF Championship Wrestling. It happened to be the Royal Rumble. BigM and I were rooting for The Undertaker while HillBilly favored Hulk Hogan. To our surprise, some up and comer was mowing down wrestlers right and left. He DDTed Triple H, driving the poor soul's head into the mat, Sharpshooted Kurt Angle , slammed Jericho to the mat with a Samoan Drop and Spinebusted The Big Show and every other wrestler in the ring. Then came the most amazing spectacle you could imagine...he was staring straight in the face of Hulk Hogan, who was ripping his yellow-and-red shirt off his body, flexing, shaking and reacting to thousands of Hulkamaniacs' and HillBilly's frantic screams and cheers. HillBilly looked over at BigM and I "Lawdy!!! that boy's life's bout to mean Doodley-squat, that dawg won't be huntin no more!!!" But before you knew it, he picked up the Hulkster, slammed him to the mat and kicked him repeatedly in the face. He then looked in the stands, pulled off his elbow pad in slow motion and threw it into the crowd. He ran left, bounced off the ropes, then over Hulk Hogan who was still on the ground, and bounced off the ropes again. He stopped in front of his prey, kicked his right leg up and dropped an elbow on Hulk Hogan's heart. BigM and I were freaking!!! We had just witnessed "The People's Elbow". The young wrestler had slayed the great Hulk Hogan and was screaming "DO YOU SMELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL WHAT THE ROCK IS COOKIN!!!!". The young warrior was "The Rock" and inspired BigM and I to choose Newfoundland, also known as "The Rock", for our trip destination...

You did remember this all started with us trying to decide where we should go for our trip, right?

HillBilly didn't want any part of Newfoundland, as he was still upset with Hulk's demise to "The Rock", and decided to stay home.

The only problem with Newfoundland was the fact that it was known for odd and extreme weather, but we ingeniously planned our trip for the city of Ramea Beach, knowing full well there would be beach-like weather with hotties in bikinis swarming all over the place.

It took two days of traveling, from a ferry, to a schooner vessel, a French shallop, a punt keeled rowboat and a canoe made of birchbark. We finally arrived at Ramea Beach in our kayak sealskin boat. The ocean was so rough, BigM and I probably swallowed enough salt ocean water to season the city's poutine intake for the next five years.

We were greeted by the city's mayor, Chesley Antle, in the pouring rain. "She's some lop on da pond, buddy what?"...umm yeah, nice to meet you sir, my name is Luc and this is my buddy BigM. Those ocean waves are huuuuge, a liitle rough for our liking, you know what I mean? "That's what I just said me by'e, why, your monkey friend is all mops and brooms me son!!"...well, if you don't mind Chesley, we've had an extremely long trip, but BigM will surely mop and clean your kayak in the morning if that's ok with you...."no worries me by'e, i dies at u"...I later found out that "all mops and brooms" meant untidy condition of the hair and that Chesley wasn't about to kill himself, he was just saying I was funny.

Good thing HillBilly didn't come...can you imagine the confusing conversations?

BigM and I walked down Main Street, looking for our hotel, "The Old Trout". You'd think in a small town of 185 people, it wouldn't be hard to find. An hour later, I asked someone for directions. Excuse me mam, can you tell me where I can find "The Old Trout" hotel? The lady replied "ow she gettin on dere cocky?" I looked down and checked my pants in case my fly was down. "you looks like you've been hauled through a knot hole, yes by'e, it's out on the neck, down da arm, up the shore, you can't miss it"...

Ok kind lady, my friend and I have just spent nearly two days in the ocean, wearing these ridiculous yellow sou'wester hats, raincoats and boots, on every type of boat imaginable, fighting off whales and sea gulls and spitting out more salt than any MacDonald's fry can ever imagine doing!! And it's pouring rain!!! Can you pleeeeease give us a street name and an address or at least point us in the right direction??? The lady laughed "yur stund as me arse aren't ya me by'e?? I've watched you both passer by three times already, jus turn around an walk straight, yur a gunshot away".

Turns out "The Old Trout" hotel was an old woman's house with three rooms for rent, which explains why we passed by it three times. We walked in and were greeted by the owner, Bessie Trout. Good evening mam, we were looking for a place to stay for the next ten days, would you have any vacancy? "Lard tunderin!!! wus ya born on a raff? Close the door, it's cold!!!" BigM raced to the front door and shut it tight. "The doors not an arse hole, it doesnt shut it self!!!" Ok mam, I get it, we're very sorry. "Yes by'e, I have one room left for ya and yur monkey friend, $125 a night"...

$125 a night? for a bedroom in your house? We'll find another hotel, thanks anyways. As we walked out, I heard her scream "Fair weather to you and rain to your heels me by'e, but this here's the only hotel in Ramea's Beach". BigM and I looked at each other, rain dripping from the brim of our yellow sou'wester hats, and walked back in the house. Ok Bessie, we'll take it. "That'll be $1500 for 10 nights!!" But you said $125 a night didn't you? "i'se da gal da bulid da boat... ur's da by's dat sails er, so wat I says goes me by'e or you sleep outside!!!" Before I could say "you know what you can do with your room you old trout!!!", a young goddess-like red-headed beauty of a woman waltzed in the living room...

Now, tell me you didn't see that coming...

Normally, I would say she had me from hello, but in this case, she had me from"'ow she cuttin dere by'e?"

Umm, hi my name is Luc and this is my buddy BigM. "Pleased to meet you, my name is Effie, I see you met my stepmother... myyy, yur some-nice-piece-a-stuff"...before I knew it, BigM had me tackled to the ground...he sensed the oncoming Rudolph-Clarice "I'm cute, I'm cuuuuuute" moment before I had the chance to jump around the house screaming "I'm some-nice-piece-a-stuff, I'm some-nice-piece-a-stuuuuuuuuuuuuff".

I'll take the room Mrs. Trout, actually $150 a night is not enough for a nice establishment like this, here's $2000!!

"Lard dien' dumpin, if I ever find you messin with my Effie, there won't be enough of you to pray over!!!"

The next morning, BigM and I sat at the breakfast table with Bessie the old trout, Effie, Harvey and Hedley, who were guys renting the other two rooms...

Harvey: Wattaya At.

Hedley: Nuttin.

Harvey: You wit Maggie last night er wha.

Hedley: Yuh.

Harvey: How was she?

Hedley: OHHHHHH STATE!

To this day, I still have no idea what those guys were talking about.

Effie and I were really hitting it off!!! We spent our days together, sometimes strolling the dock, hand in hand, with BigM on my shoulder, Effie's beautiful red hair flowing in the hurricane-like wind, feeding capelin and herring to the beautiful puffins. We also visited the forest, spending time with white-tailed deer, red foxes, beavers, caribou, blue jays, bunnies and squirrels who had no fear whatsoever of Effie's gentle hands and voice. It was like a scene from Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs, and Effie singing "With a Smile and a Song" while the animals came out of the trees and bushes humming and singing with her. Effie was my Snow White, beautiful inside and out.

On another day, we visited Effie's workplace, Ramea Beach Sea Products Ltd. She was the Fish Plant Team Leader, in charge of the fish plant labourers, fish cutters and cleaners, fish cutting machine operators, fish briners, fish salters, shellfish labourers, shellfish weighers, shellfish shuckers, as well as the fish and shellfish packers. She introduced me as her boyfriend. I now knew I was in love.

On day nine of our vacation, the three of us decided to go out for a drive. As usual, it was pouring rain with hurricane-like winds....definitely not weather you would associate with a place called Ramea's Beach, but it didn't matter, because I was with Effie.

"Ya better put da side back in 'er b'y".

I had spent so much time with Effie, that I actually knew she had asked me to roll the window up in the car. At that very moment, I felt a special bond and connection with Effie. I could understand her language and could probably speak it if I was forced to. I felt I knew her totally, inside and out. It was kind of like the bond and connection between Jake Sully, an Avatar Program bodyguard, and Neytiri, of the densely forested habitable moon called Pandora. Like Jake, I knew that I would have to choose between staying with my beloved Effie in Pandora, or in my case, Ramea Beach, or go back home...and I only had one more day to decide.

She dropped BigM and I off at Willie and Sadie's corner store, while she headed to Fannie's Self-Serve to gas up. I asked Sadie where the beach happened to be. "Beach? nare one here me by'e". But, your town is called Ramea's Beach, shouldn't there be a beach and beach-like weather with hotties in bikinis swarming all over the place? That's why we chose to come here you know, along with the fact that our favorite wrestler, The Rock, just beat Hulk Hogan for the WWF Championship. "You ever wonder wat Effie sees in ya me by'e?, cawse u gotta face only ya mudder could love, and yur stund as me arse" " but I'll tell ya that we have no beach...we changed our town's name from Ramea to Ramea's Beach to help our tourism revenue by attractin folk like you looking for a warm holiday".

Hey!!! you're the second person who's said I was "stund as me arse", I resent that, and what do you have against my face???

"What I mean is yous got a face on yer like a burnt-boiled-boot!!"

Well Sadie!! Effie said that I was some-nice-piece-a-stuff, so she must like something about me!!! and I think she loves me. "How much you payin ol Bessie Trout for your room me by'e? $150 a night? $200? I'll betcha paying more than you wanted arncha? Ye fellas can never figr' that one out can ya??" Ol Bessie and Effie Trout are makin a fortune off you me by'e".

Two hours had passed, and Effie hadn't come back to get us at the corner store. I was starting to believe Sadie's story. Was it possible that my beautiful Snow White's affections for me were actually a ruse with her stepmother, Queen Grimhilde, to milk me out of $2000, like many other unsuspecting guys before me?

I grabbed BigM and raced back to "The Old Trout" hotel. We walked in the kitchen to find Harvey and Hedley, crying, faces planted on the table. They told us how Effie and Bessie had scammed them out of their hard earned money as well. Apparently, Bessie and Effie left for a few days, long enough to avoid us all, before checkout time.

Sadie was telling the truth after all.

The next morning, BigM and I had one last breakfast with Harvey and Hedley before checkout time.

We cooked and ate everything we could find to try and make up for the $2000 the Trouts had scammed from us. We ate so much, we felt blowed up like blood poison cats.

Harvey and Hedley shook our hands and wished us well..."May the wind always blow in your back mates".

At the dock, we told our Bessie and Effie Trout story to Chesley the mayor. He apologized for not saying this to me sooner..."My father would warn about dating red headed girls...he would say "mind now me son, don't you be at dem foxy heads now. Ya knows dere nuttin but spite cats".

Unfortunately, it was a lesson I learned a little too late. As BigM and I rowed away in our kayak sealskin boat, swallowing wave after wave of salt ocean water and fighting off angry sea gulls and Greenland sharks, I realized the epic fail of our vacation. Not only did we miss out on a relaxing, sunny beach holiday, and were scammed out of $2000 for a 10 day small one bedroom stay at Bessie and Effie's "The Old Trout" hotel, I once again failed in the pursuit of a love interest (and also found out there may something wrong with my face).

As my favorite cartoon buddy "Bugs Bunny" would say, "Boo hoo hoo- always a bridesmaid but never the bride.... Boo Hoo Hoo".

The Walls of Dairy.

BigM and HillBilly came running home the other day. The last time I had seen my little monkey BigM this scared was the time we watched "Barney and Friends" together. Barney, Baby Bop and B.J. were talking about how you need to eat from the four food groups, Bread & Cereal, Meats & Protein, Milk & Dairy, & Fruits and Vegetables to be healthy. I felt safe since my Poutines and Pizza covered all the bases. But BigM only ate bananas...

As Barney said "I'll tell you. There once was a boy who would only eat noodles. Oodles, and oodles, and oodles of noodles. And unless mom served him, he'd go boo-hoo-hoodles. Yes unless he got noodles he get him mad noodles. And wiggle and whine and act terribly rooddles. He wouldn't eat salad or meatballs or froodles. He thought those were things that could wait. But then one dark day after eating his noodles, not carrots, and oranges, and such healthy froodles, that little boy turned into a noodle. And let that be a lesson to him, me, and youdle"...now, by the time Barney got to the part to "with a great big hug and a kiss from me to you" in his song, HillBilly was blasting the television with his shotgun screaming "ENOUGH WITH THEM OODLES N NOODLES N FROODLES, I kain't stands this no more!!! it's purt nigh time to put this ugly-as-a-mudfence-purple-quair-daintsing-overgrown-freak o nature possum, out of his misery!!!"

BigM was so scared he would turn into a banana, since that was all he ate. Of course, I didn't make things easier for him. Whenever BigM would reach for his fruity snack, I would say "Shimboree shimborah. Shimboree shimborah! YOU'RE GONNA TURN INTO A BANANA!!! MOUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!" I think I really over did it the time I decided to only eat bananas for a whole day and made sure BigM knew that. I walked in the living room that night in my "Bananas in Pyjamas" costume singing "BAH BEE BAH BEE BAH BEE BAH BEE BAH BEE BAH, are you thinking what I'm thinking B1?" I think BigM thought I had turned into a banana. Before HillBilly could say "Lawdy monkey-boy, he's just playin possum, you shid know by now that his cornbread ain't done!!!", BigM was swinging and racing across the house, there was no stopping him. By the time he settled down, the house was littered with broken lamps, flipped-over coffee and end tables and gazillions of torn up Miley Cyrus and Lady Gaga posters. I guess you can say BigM just went bananas.

Anyways, like I started saying, BigM and HillBilly came running home one day. BigM had a look of fright in his face while HillBilly was just plain angry. They were both huffing and puffing like crazy and the smell of buttermilk was in the air. "What's wrong guys?

"Crazy lady!! Crazy lady!!" was all BigM could say. HillBilly explained. "We's jus suffered the awfullest attack you jus kain't imagine. We ran like scaled dogs dodgin yogurt cups, cans o yungin formula and spray cans o whipped cream, whilst dis mighty fetchin but tougher-than-a-one-eard-alley-cat-crazy-woman wus screamin "NO SURRENDER, NO SURRENDER!!! THESE ARE DAIRY'S WALLS, AND I STAND EMBATTLED TO DEFEND HER".

Umm, have you guys been in the moonshine and banana martini's again?

BigM frantically explained how they were walking home from their day of Boxing Week shopping. They had bought me "The Wildly Delicious Brie Baker", which is part of their Petite Maison line. Apparently, it is packaged beautifully with a bamboo spreader in it's replica Cheese Wheel Box. They had also bought brie cheese, along with baguettes, crostini, fruits and crackers. I had always dreamed about that warm, velvety, decadently creamy baked Brie taste in my mouth, so the guys were so excited to surprise me with this.

As they walked down Chancery Street, they passed in front of a beautiful house. In the front yard, they noticed a fort-like structure that seemed to look like a snow fort, covered with small tubs of banana yogurt. They also couldn't help but notice a long hose off to the side. BigM passed the groceries to HillBilly and raced towards the fort, salivating at the thought of maybe sampling a container or two of banana yogurt. "Lans-sake BigM, didja know youz fixin to gitcha self in trouble or sumpin?? youz never bin tawt that tresspassin kin getcha shot??? I donts like dis vaymuch!!!!"

As BigM reached for a yogurt cup, the house front door opened, and a woman came racing out with a bag full of "Nestle Good Start" cans of baby formula, and "Reddi-Wip" spray cans of whipped cream. BigM and HillBilly dropped everything they had, the Wildly Delicious Brie Baker, the brie cheese, baguettes, crostini, fruits and crackers, and "headed fur da hills!!!" as HillBilly would say, while dodging banana yogurt cups, Reddi-Wip and baby formula while slipping and sliding through buttermilk jet streaming at them from the crazy lady's hose.

Obviously, this story seemed a little far fetched, almost like a story you'd hear or read from a crazed-lunatic-deranged and off centered maniac who should probably be locked up somewhere and never be seen again.

But I still had to follow up on this, especially since the guys did smell like buttermilk and were covered in whipped cream. I also had to get my Wildly Delicious Brie Baker back.

The three of headed to Chancery Street. I figured BigM could go and apologize to the lady since he did actually tresspass on her property. As we got in the neighborhood, it was easy for me to see which property the guys had encountered. The front lawn had this five foot high, purple-pink-yellow fortress-like wall with hundreds of empty two liter tubs of Chapman's fruity flavored frozen yogurt around it, with an orange castle gate-like entrance door, right in the middle. There were mice seemingly trying to nibble at the gate's door, while cats were licking away at the walls and chasing after the mice. A long hose was laying at the side of the fort, along with my "Wildly Delicious Brie Baker", and rustic chunks of baguette all over the place. An open package of Brie cheese was laying amongst the mice, with pieces of fruit and crackers all over the property. About twenty feet from the fort, there was a huge snowman with what seemed to be a monkey-shaped tunnel through his stomach. This had to be the place!!!

Nobody was outside, so we headed for the Wildly Delicious Brie Baker, with the intent to then go apologize to the lady. We were no more than three feet from the Brie Baker when all of a sudden, sirens started blaring. We were bombarded by loud and aggressive horns, drums, bugles, bagpipes and carnyxes. Cats and mice were running all over the place. I grabbed BigM and HillBilly and took refuge behind the huge snowman. As we sat there in fright, we were trembling to the sounds of "You'll Never Beat the Irish "...

You'll never beat the Irish

No matter what you do

You can put us down and keep us out

But we'll come back again

You know we are the fighting Irish

and we'll fight until the end

You should have known

You'll never beat the Irish

The front doors to the house swung open. A woman came running out and took refuge behind the fortress with her hose in hand.

HillBilly was beside himself. "I have the awfullest feeling we ain't gonna git outta dis alive...the lady is as purty as a speckled pup, but crazier than a run over dog ".

Ok guys, let me try and reason with her. "Excuse me kind lady, my name is Luc and I was wondering if I can come out and explain our intentions here?". Two seconds later, the three of us were clinging to each other, under a spraying of buttermilk from the lady's hose with marbled Cheese Strings bouncing all around us. I looked through the snowman's monkey-shaped tunnel to see this woman valiantly aiming her buttermilk flowing hose at us in one hand, while throwing cheese strings with the other and screaming "NO SURRENDER, NO SURRENDER, THESE ARE DAIRY'S WALLS, AND I STAND EMBATTLED TO DEFEND HER!!!".

Defiantly, I stood up. Through the buttermilk splashing across my face and up my nose, and small cartons of "Egg Beaters" flying by, I calmly explained "I'm just here to apologize for my buddy BigM's actions earlier today. We understand that he made a big mistake in tresspassing on your property, and we are deeply sorry for any inconvenience this may have caused you". If you don't mind, I'll slowly walk over, grab my "Wildly Delicious Brie Baker", any baguette chunks and Brie cheese I can make use of, and we'll be on our way.

All of a sudden, the jet of buttermilk subsided. All got silent. The lady put her hose down and screamed "This is my (hic) property, and (hic) what lies on it, now belongs (hic) to me.

HillBilly yelled out: "That woman is higher than a Georgia pine!!!".

The woman shouted back: " Are you trying to say I'm piflicated or something? I'm just a little tipsy, that's all!!!"

Great!!! Not only do I have to figure out what HillBilly was accusing the woman of, I had to deal with this crazy lady throwing big words out at me. "Excuse me kind lady, I'm sure that my buddy wasn't insinuating that you are piflicated". I tried to act as if I knew what the word actually meant.

All of a sudden, the loud and aggressive horns, drums, bugles, bagpipes and carnyxes started blaring again. I decided to use a tactic I learned in watching "Get Smart" rerun episodes as a teenager.

"Madam!! You don't really think we'd be stupid enough to come here alone, do ya? In a very short while, hundreds of crack paratroopers will come crashing onto this property and destroy your fruity frozen yogurt and cheese-gated fortress!!!"

A massive jet of buttermilk soon followed.

"Would you believe Sylvester Stallone and four of his mercenary buddies?"

Cue in the onslaught of eggs.

"How about Tarzan and a couple of his apes?"

More buttermilk and eggs.

"Bomba the Jungle boy?"

I was now in a war zone...jets of buttermilk spraying all over...she had one of those Acme Corporation catapults, like the one Wile E Coyote used to have, shooting bars of cream cheese every five seconds...the cats and mice were throwing globs of Dulce de leche in all directions.

I looked behind and saw BigM and HillBilly already 2 blocks away, running in fear. It was now or never!!! Do I run away, or do I go after my "Wildly Delicious Brie Baker", which I vehemently stress, is part of their Petite Maison line!!!

I waited for the right moment...I figured that there would come a point where the crazy lady would have to re-load her Acme Corporation catapult with cream cheese bars, and would have to put down her buttermilk-spraying hose to do so.

As I stood and waited, still dodging the globs of Dulce de leche, and munching on a few sticks of "Marbled Cheese Strings", the catapult stopped, and the crazy lady put down her hose. It was go time!!!! I yelled "Tora Tora Tora" and raced towards the Brie Baker. The onslaught of globs of Dulce de leche grew more intense, soon accompanied by clouds of powdered milk thrown by another Acme Corporation thingamajig!!! I knew that my only chance was to get to my Brie Baker before the catapult was reloaded and the crazy lady had the opportunity to get her hose active again.

I was doing great...I was flying across the battlefield, with globs of Dulce de leche and egg yolk all over me, a layer of milk powder from head to toe...but I hadn't factored in one key obstacle in my master plan...SLIPPAGE!!!!

The battlefield was now slicker than ever...it had become a mixture of snow, ice, buttermilk, egg yolk, mashed marbled cheese strings, cream cheese, Duche de leche, whipped cream and powdered milk and there was no way to go but wherever the slippery trail would take me.

Soon enough, I was plowing head first, on my stomach, through the battlefield. I had flashbacks of sliding on my Wham-O Slip N Slide carpet, but instead of having a nice grassy landing waiting for me, I ended up head first in a purple-pink-yellow fruity yogurt wall. I was plastered with globs of Duche de leche and cheese strings, smothered with a mixture of buttermilk and everything else I could pick up along the way, a two liter Chapman's frozen yogurt tub on top of my head, and a piflicated crazy lady still spraying me with buttermilk screaming ""NO SURRENDER, NO SURRENDER, THESE ARE DAIRY'S WALLS, AND I STAND EMBATTLED TO DEFEND HER!!!".

As stubborn as I am, I had to resign to the fact that I had lost the battle. I pried myself out of the fruity yogurt wall and crawled through the cheese gate fortress entrance. As I crawled away, through the battlefield, without my "Wildly Delicious Brie Baker", with jet streams of buttermilk and bars of cream cheese still bombarding me, I realized something, don't mess with piflicated ladies, especially ones who won't stop for nothing in defending and protecting what they feel is rightfully theirs.