A HillBilly New Year's Eve.

2012 is fast approaching. BigM, HillBilly and I are trying to figure out our plans for New Year's Eve.

Last year was one to remember. I thought it would be a great idea to take up New Year's Eve traditional celebrations from around the world. It would be even funner combining various traditions into one. I had read that Mexicans try to secure their happiness in the New Year wearing colorful underwear. Those who want to find love wear red underwear, while others wear yellow if they're seeking luck in the coming year. In Denmark, people throw dishes on their friends’ doors on New Year’s Eve. This is to let them know that they have many friends.

It took a lot of convincing in HillBilly's case, but at the stroke of midnight, and after a few drinks, the three of us went running through the neighborhood in nothing but checkered red and yellow underwear, singing Auld Lang Syne and throwing dollar store plates and coffee mugs at people's doors. I don't think the three of us ever laughed so hard, at least until an angry neighborhood posse started chasing us. Apparently, there's no Mexicans or Danes living in our neighborhood.

That didn't beat the year we decided to celebrate New Year's Eve with HillBilly's family way out in the Appalachia mountains.

As some of you might know, I don't go into anything unprepared. To make sure I had all my bases covered, as in the habits and lifestyle of hillbilly life, I rented all 9 season episodes of "The Beverly Hillbillies" for BigM and I to watch. Needless to say, I was fixated with Elly May Clampett, Jed's mountain beauty of a daughter. She had me from "Well, come on, baby... let's rassle". I dreamt of being caught in her Clampett Clamp for years...I actually still do.

After soaking in all the info I needed from the episodes, and purchasing all the long johns, straw hats, plaid flannel shirts, and denim overalls, I could find, we were off to the Appalachias.

Once there, we were greeted by HillBilly's cousin, Elmo.

"Cletus Bob!!!! Gitcher self over here, I kain't remember the last time I seen ya"....to this day, HillBilly swears he'll "be all over me like a cheap suit" if I ever call him Cletus Bob, so I never have.

Elmo looked over at BigM and I and you could tell he wasn't too sure about us. I guess the sight of me in my full-body red long johns, straw hat with a plastic whistle hanging in the front, and scruffy boots, with a monkey wearing a plaid flannel shirt holding a sign saying "I took my siphon hose to "show and tell"", may have been strange looking...I know the stewardesses and passengers on the plane and at the airport thought so.

Hi Elmo, my name is Luc, and this is BigM. You mind if I tickle you Elmo? Elmo looked over at HillBilly..."That guy sure acts quair"...but as usual, I couldn't help myself, so I tickled him..."Lans-sake!!! I got a good notion to give ya the awfullest gun blast dreckly on that tater trap of yours, your face will be uglier than a mud fence!!!"...I guess HillBilly was right when he told me that his cousin Elmo was "tougher than a one-eard alley cat" and that I should watch what I say to him...other than that, I think we hit it off pretty good.

We all hopped in his truck and headed to meet the rest of the clan. The neighborhood was deep in the mountains and consisted of barns, shacks, cabins and lots littered with old trucks, abandoned buses and numerous cars up on blocks.

Elmo brought us into his cabin where he lived with his grandparents, a maiden aunt, his sister, a widowed uncle, his parents, 3 dogs and six children, 5 boys and 1 girl. His mother introduced them all..."Hidee, my name is Sarabelle, this is my husband Cyrus, my pappy Clem and my ma Clarabelle, my sister Betty Jo, my brother Earl, our kids Homer, Ike, Wilbur, Bo, Cal and Annabelle, and Elmo's sister Elly May...

(I know, I know, you had to see this coming right??)...Elmo's baby sister's name was Elly May, just like Fred Clampett's sweet mountain beauty of a daughter I had fallen for in years past. She was a vision of beauty, with her hoop earrings and dressed in a pretty red and white checkered shirt, tied in the front over her belly button, wearing very short shorts and high heels which exposed her amazing red ankle bracelets. Tugging at her pigtails, she said "Arncha the cutest thang??"...

Before you knew it, I was in the same "I'm cute, I'm cuuuuute Clarisse/Rudolph mode" I was in after that little elf Esmeralda-Cassiopeia Wolfeschlegelsteinhausen told me I was cute at the shopping mall's Santa workshop, where I ended up covered in empty gift boxes and a mountain of styrofoam snow... Here I was dodging shotgun blasts from Elmo and HillBilly, as I was jumping around the cabin screaming "I'm cute, I'm cuuuuute", knocking over the coffee table which was really a used telephone cable spool, stuffed possums flying all over the place and tearing grandmas homemade fur coat...by the time I was done, I was head first in grandpa's wood stove with 3 dogs ripping the legs off my red long johns, a frightened monkey trying to pull a plastic whistle out of my ass and two angry Hillbillies bashing me with their shotguns.

I got up, looked at Elly May and said "My my, you're purty as a speckled pup"...which got me another twelve extra shotgun bashes over the head from her brother Elmo...as Elly May walked away smiling, she said "I shore hope you'll be at the New Year's Eve shindig tonight" and headed out the door.

...of course, you do remember this is a New Year's Eve story right? It's not like me to go off on a rambling tangent and deviate from a story line.

Later, I put on my good overalls and my checkered plaid shirt, hoping to impress Elly May. We had a huge supper before the party. Even the dogs had a place setting at the dinner table.

Elly May sat across from me at the table, which made it extremely hard for me to concentrate on not making a fool of myself during dinner. "Hey handsome" she said..."I kain't wait for tonight's hoe-down, yall daints with me wontcha?" as she batted her pretty green eyes at me...all of a sudden, I was singing an old Andy Griggs country song:

"I like blue eyes, hers are green

Not like the woman of my dreams

She's not the girl I pictured at all

In those paint by number fantasies I've had

So it took me by complete surprise

When my heart got lost in those deep green eyes

She's not at all what I was looking for

She's more"

Elly May was mine now, I knew it and I felt it, my beautiful song had captivated her, she said I sounded and reminded her of a cross between Elvis Presley and Cactus Slim The Lonesome Serenader ...it didn't matter that everyone around us was eating every last bit of the fish, fried possum, collard greens, turnips, peas, beans and cornbread...we were in love and nothing else mattered.

Later that night, we all showed up at the "Pickin and Singin" barn, and we were in for a treat. The dance was to be hosted by Billy (The Squeakin' Deacon) Blanchard, with music provided by Milton (Tiny) Simpkins.

The music was great. Milton had us hopping to classics from Elvis, Randy and the Pahlem Valley Boys, as well as the memorable hits from Curley Rash and His South Texas Playboys.

Everything was perfect. I was in love, and nothing else mattered. I had even forgotten about my buddies BigM and HillBilly. (Actually, I forgot about them at some point while writing this story, but it's too much trouble now to go back and work them in, I'll make sure they get mentioned before I'm done).

Elly May looked up at me and whispered "sumpin's on fire in me, and Iont thank I kain contain meself any longer...I kaint never could do nothin right...the last time I told sumone I loved him, he ran away like a scaled dog, faster than greased lightnin...

Now, as my mind started singing "well this car is automatic, it's systematic, it's hydromatic, why it's greased lightnin!! Go, greased lightnin', you're burnin' up the quarter mile, greased lightnin', go greased lightnin!!", and before I could proclaim my undying love for Elly May, some huge mountain of a dude grabbed me from behind and spun me around...he had to be at least ten feet tall, and believe it or not, his name was Jethro.

"Fer your infamation, Elly May is ma girl, and I aints gonna lose her to no clone-warin furner whoms no bigger than a 'tater bug!!!"..."and I'm fixin to make yo life Doodley-squat in the next minnit or two...so you stain or leavin, cawse dis ugly Amerikin home boy is gonna daints all over yore face an make you wonder wat you usta weigh with your teeth still in yore tater trap!!!"

I think I understand what Elly May meant when she said the last time she told someone she loved him, he ran away like a scaled dog, faster than greased lightnin....I grabbed BigM and HillBilly (you see, I told you I'd work them back in the story), looked at Elly May and Jethro, and said "Shucky dern!!! look at the time, it's purt nigh time to go!!! I aint known to be a guy with much a grain a sense, or as my friend HillBilly would say "his cornbread ain't done", but I thank I best be on my way, like maybe Oer yonner, wayyyy Oer yonner...as Toe-sayin' goes "when the going gets tough, the clone-warin furner Canadian gets the hell outta Dodge!!!!

Give my regards to Jed, Granny, and the rest of the Clampetts and Bodines.

As I ran away, crazier than a run over dog, with BigM and HillBilly under my arms, I swear I could hear Elly May and Jethro singing in the distance...

"Well now it's time to say goodbye to Luc and all his kin

They would like to thank you folks for kindly dropping in

You're all invited back again to this locality

To have a heaping helping of their hospitality

(Canadian Hillbillies, that's what they call 'em now,

Nice folks Y'all come back now, ya hear?)"

Looking For Love.

Funny how hard it is to find someone to go out with you, just on a date and maybe get to know each other over time and see where it can lead. It can get pretty frustrating sometimes.

I consider myself a slightly above average guy, putting a lot of emphasis on the word slightly, with so much to offer. I'm fairly cute, depending on your definition of the word cute, a pretty nice guy, with a slightly off-centered sense of humor, and am comfortable enough financially.

I was talking with my two favorite buddies, BigM and Hillbilly, about my love situation and they were just as perplexed as I am.

BigM, for anyone who doesn't know, is my all time best bud. He's been by my side since I was a little boy. That little monkey is actually cool because he can hold his plastic banana all on his own, and hasn't let go of it for more than 40 years now... I guess you can say he's pretty much attached to it.

Hillbilly is also a special friend, a little hot-tempered and sometimes hard to please, but still an important part of my life.

BigM is just as confused as I am on why I haven't been able to have a meaningful relationship lately, because he think I'm a slightly above average guy as well, again with emphasis on the word "slightly".

He recalls one time when the three of us went to see Santa Claus at the mall, to give him our Christmas wish list and get our annual picture with Santa.
BigM and I were like two little kids, BigM sitting on my head, as I'm skipping and hopping through the mall singing "Put One Foot in Front of the Other", and "I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas", no crocodiles, no rhinoceroses...I only like hippopotamuses, and hippopotamuses like me too.

It must have been a strange site to others, especially with Hillbilly chasing and screaming "Shut yur Tater Traps!!! Ya'll better keep runnin cawse I brung my gun, and whens I catcha, I aim to shootcha both and take ya'll dreckly to the crik out bak!!!!"....like I said, Hillbilly is a little hot-tempered, a little rough around the edges.

We eventually got to Santa's Castle. BigM and I didn't care that the lineup was extremely long because we knew Santa was in our horizons. Hillbilly wasn't so pleased. "I don't like this vaymuch"...pretty calm response for Hillbilly actually.

Forty five minutes later, during which BigM and I had to pry Hillbilly off a little boy who kept tugging at his beard and explaining to the mall cop that Hillbilly was just kidding when he told the boys mother "Lans-sake!!! diduhnit occur to ya fer a minnit that yontto git yer little varmint of my face cawse I kain't take it, and I've got a mind to chunk the little rugrat oer yonner in dat purty little saspool yuz call a water foutain!!!, we were finally near the front of the line.

BigM and I were sooo excited...we could actually see Santa and could barely contain ourselves. Before we got four words into "Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer", Hillbilly was nipping at my heels, well actually kicking and bashing them with his shotgun, so we had to stop.

Through his anger, I could also sense that Hillbilly seemed nervous, maybe like he was a little scared of something. It reminded me of the look he had that one time when BigM and I threatened to take away his styrofoam cooler and siphon hose, unless he covered up his girlfriend's name that he sprayed on an overpass.

I asked Hillbilly "are you ok bud?" He didn't reply, but I could see he was nervously staring at Santa. "What's wrong Hillbilly?" You don't like Santa or something?" "I ain't skeered, I don't know why you brung me here, that's all...ok, maybe I'm a bit skeered...I think I'm claus trophobic or sumpin...I don't trust him, I thank he's crookeder than a dawg's hind leg, and ugly as a mud fence." "Claus trophobic?? ok Hillbilly, you can just watch BigM and I sit on Santa if that makes you feel better.

Finally, it was our turn. The three of us walked towards Santa's throne, Hillbilly peeking around me while BigM hopped frantically on my shoulders. BigM and I walked up to Santa and sat on his lap while Hillbilly stood off to the side hesitantly.

"Have you both been good little boys this year", Santa said. We both said yes, but I knew it wasn't actually true in my case, but I can't get into that right now because it'll take too long and I don't want to deviate from the fact that this story is about my being able to find someone to go out on a date with me, you do remember that this is what this story is about right? I'm getting there, I promise.

Anyways, we both gave our Christmas gift wishes, mine being "Golden Girls action figures, Baby Blinkins (I just love when you squeeze them, their wings light up and glow in rainbow colors)" and "The Wild Puffalumps" because I thought their Aloha Shirts were cool.

We both kissed Santa and took our picture with him. Hillbilly was off to the side, seemingly flirting with one of Santa's elves. "My my!! yur as purty as a speckled pup arncha?"I grabbed BigM and hurried over to intervene and apologize. As I got closer, I could see that this wasn't your ordinary elf. When our eyes met, I had that same feeling as I had when I first saw Neytiri from the Avatar movie.

The pretty elf looked at me and said "hello". "I see you Neytiri, I see you" was all I could say. "I'm sorry, I meant hello, and I apologize for my friend Hillbilly's actions." That's ok, I think he's cute, just like you :)...I suddenly started jumping up and down like Rudolph did after Clarice told him he was cute..."I'm cute!!! I'm cuuuuuute" is all I kept screaming as I was hopping over and through the fake wrapped gift boxes laying all over the place, finally ending up on my rear end under Santa's Christmas tree, all covered by a mound of fake styrofoam snow.

The cute elf came and helped BigM and Hillbilly get me out from under the rubble, before the mall cop even got a whiff of what was going on.

I offered to buy her something to eat for her lunch (luckily for me this so happened to be her lunch break, good timing I guess), and much to my surprise, she accepted my invitation after all that commotion.

"My name is Esmeralda-Cassiopeia Wolfeschlegelsteinhausen" she said with her angelic soft voice. "Nice to meet you Esmeralda-Cassiopeia, my name is Luc, but my friends call me coco, some call me cueball, stupid dumbass bitch on a few occasions. You can call me anything you want really, just don't call me late for dinner"...

I know, I know, it's a corny line, and probably wasn't necessary since she was already willing to talk to me, even after the Rudolph being cute incident, but I couldn't help it. Much to my surprise though, she smiled and said I was cute again. Fortunately, I didn't start jumping around again screaming "I'm cute!! I'm cuuuuute, probably because Hillbilly had already tackled me to the ground telling Esmeralda-Cassiopeia "he's a sandwich shy of a picnic, but he means well".

The four of us walked over to the food court. Esmeralda-Cassiopeia and I had a Subway sandwich and a Fruitopia Orange Undercurrent. I debated between the Orange Undercurrent and the Cherry Vanilla Groove, but finally settled on the Orange. We both seemed in a trance, gazing into each others eyes, oblivious to everything around us, not even noticing Hillbilly fighting with the Sushi counter server. "Watcha mean you don't know what Beef Jerky and Moon Pies are? you got any possum? unbeknownst to ya, thems good vittles!!!" BigM was at MacIntosh and Watts looking at commemorative plates...to this day, I still can't figure out why.

We had a great time, both hanging on every word each had to say. I truly thought that Esmeralda-Cassiopeia Wolfeschlegelsteinhausen actually liked me, and I knew she did.

Her lunch hour was almost over, so I asked her if I could see her again. BigM and Hillbilly were back and were holding their breath waiting for her reply. She said she would absolutely love to see me again. "Maybe you can pick me up Friday, here's my address and phone number."

I thought, this is great. This beautiful elf, Esmeralda-Cassiopeia Wolfeschlegelsteinhausen, thinks I'm cute, doesn't mind that I go around in public with a furry little monkey holding a banana, and a crusty old redneck Hillbilly who hates the world, and still wants to see me again.

"Friday sounds great Esmeralda-Cassiopeia. Do you know which bus number goes by your house? I know I can catch either the #12 or #124 to the mall, but I'm not sure which bus I need to transfer on to get to your house. It doesn't have to get me right at you place...any bus that goes within a few blocks or so would be great. I'll make sure I get an extra few sheets of bus tickets in case we decide to do dinner and a movie, in case both aren't close by. If we try and eat fast enough at dinner, we'll be able to use out bus transfers to get to the movies and not waste more tickets. I'll check the Website for the bus schedule."

Funny, but all of a sudden, I didn't feel so cuuuuute anymore. I suddenly felt like Rudolph and his misfit friends Hermey and Yukon Cornelius...BigM looked at me and said "Hey Rudolph, what do you say we both be independent together, huh? You wouldn't mind my red nose,? Not if you don't mind me being a dentist. It's a deal!!!" Hillbilly chimed in "This fog's as thick as peanut butter!" "You mean pea soup." BigM replied. "You eat what you like, and I'll eat what I like!"

As I watched Esmeralda-Cassiopeia Wolfeschlegelsteinhausen walk away in her pretty little green elf costume, after flipping me the bird, I realized something...

No matter how slightly cuuuute a guy can be, and I put a lot of emphasis on slightly, or how nice a personality he might have, or how good he is in the kitchen (I actually made scrambled eggs for the first time in my life last week, and apparently they were great), a woman will be colder than a welldigger's behind towards you, as my friend Hillbilly would say, if you offer to pick her up for a date via public transportation.