A HillBilly New Year's Eve.

2012 is fast approaching. BigM, HillBilly and I are trying to figure out our plans for New Year's Eve.

Last year was one to remember. I thought it would be a great idea to take up New Year's Eve traditional celebrations from around the world. It would be even funner combining various traditions into one. I had read that Mexicans try to secure their happiness in the New Year wearing colorful underwear. Those who want to find love wear red underwear, while others wear yellow if they're seeking luck in the coming year. In Denmark, people throw dishes on their friends’ doors on New Year’s Eve. This is to let them know that they have many friends.

It took a lot of convincing in HillBilly's case, but at the stroke of midnight, and after a few drinks, the three of us went running through the neighborhood in nothing but checkered red and yellow underwear, singing Auld Lang Syne and throwing dollar store plates and coffee mugs at people's doors. I don't think the three of us ever laughed so hard, at least until an angry neighborhood posse started chasing us. Apparently, there's no Mexicans or Danes living in our neighborhood.

That didn't beat the year we decided to celebrate New Year's Eve with HillBilly's family way out in the Appalachia mountains.

As some of you might know, I don't go into anything unprepared. To make sure I had all my bases covered, as in the habits and lifestyle of hillbilly life, I rented all 9 season episodes of "The Beverly Hillbillies" for BigM and I to watch. Needless to say, I was fixated with Elly May Clampett, Jed's mountain beauty of a daughter. She had me from "Well, come on, baby... let's rassle". I dreamt of being caught in her Clampett Clamp for years...I actually still do.

After soaking in all the info I needed from the episodes, and purchasing all the long johns, straw hats, plaid flannel shirts, and denim overalls, I could find, we were off to the Appalachias.

Once there, we were greeted by HillBilly's cousin, Elmo.

"Cletus Bob!!!! Gitcher self over here, I kain't remember the last time I seen ya"....to this day, HillBilly swears he'll "be all over me like a cheap suit" if I ever call him Cletus Bob, so I never have.

Elmo looked over at BigM and I and you could tell he wasn't too sure about us. I guess the sight of me in my full-body red long johns, straw hat with a plastic whistle hanging in the front, and scruffy boots, with a monkey wearing a plaid flannel shirt holding a sign saying "I took my siphon hose to "show and tell"", may have been strange looking...I know the stewardesses and passengers on the plane and at the airport thought so.

Hi Elmo, my name is Luc, and this is BigM. You mind if I tickle you Elmo? Elmo looked over at HillBilly..."That guy sure acts quair"...but as usual, I couldn't help myself, so I tickled him..."Lans-sake!!! I got a good notion to give ya the awfullest gun blast dreckly on that tater trap of yours, your face will be uglier than a mud fence!!!"...I guess HillBilly was right when he told me that his cousin Elmo was "tougher than a one-eard alley cat" and that I should watch what I say to him...other than that, I think we hit it off pretty good.

We all hopped in his truck and headed to meet the rest of the clan. The neighborhood was deep in the mountains and consisted of barns, shacks, cabins and lots littered with old trucks, abandoned buses and numerous cars up on blocks.

Elmo brought us into his cabin where he lived with his grandparents, a maiden aunt, his sister, a widowed uncle, his parents, 3 dogs and six children, 5 boys and 1 girl. His mother introduced them all..."Hidee, my name is Sarabelle, this is my husband Cyrus, my pappy Clem and my ma Clarabelle, my sister Betty Jo, my brother Earl, our kids Homer, Ike, Wilbur, Bo, Cal and Annabelle, and Elmo's sister Elly May...

(I know, I know, you had to see this coming right??)...Elmo's baby sister's name was Elly May, just like Fred Clampett's sweet mountain beauty of a daughter I had fallen for in years past. She was a vision of beauty, with her hoop earrings and dressed in a pretty red and white checkered shirt, tied in the front over her belly button, wearing very short shorts and high heels which exposed her amazing red ankle bracelets. Tugging at her pigtails, she said "Arncha the cutest thang??"...

Before you knew it, I was in the same "I'm cute, I'm cuuuuute Clarisse/Rudolph mode" I was in after that little elf Esmeralda-Cassiopeia Wolfeschlegelsteinhausen told me I was cute at the shopping mall's Santa workshop, where I ended up covered in empty gift boxes and a mountain of styrofoam snow... Here I was dodging shotgun blasts from Elmo and HillBilly, as I was jumping around the cabin screaming "I'm cute, I'm cuuuuute", knocking over the coffee table which was really a used telephone cable spool, stuffed possums flying all over the place and tearing grandmas homemade fur coat...by the time I was done, I was head first in grandpa's wood stove with 3 dogs ripping the legs off my red long johns, a frightened monkey trying to pull a plastic whistle out of my ass and two angry Hillbillies bashing me with their shotguns.

I got up, looked at Elly May and said "My my, you're purty as a speckled pup"...which got me another twelve extra shotgun bashes over the head from her brother Elmo...as Elly May walked away smiling, she said "I shore hope you'll be at the New Year's Eve shindig tonight" and headed out the door.

...of course, you do remember this is a New Year's Eve story right? It's not like me to go off on a rambling tangent and deviate from a story line.

Later, I put on my good overalls and my checkered plaid shirt, hoping to impress Elly May. We had a huge supper before the party. Even the dogs had a place setting at the dinner table.

Elly May sat across from me at the table, which made it extremely hard for me to concentrate on not making a fool of myself during dinner. "Hey handsome" she said..."I kain't wait for tonight's hoe-down, yall daints with me wontcha?" as she batted her pretty green eyes at me...all of a sudden, I was singing an old Andy Griggs country song:

"I like blue eyes, hers are green

Not like the woman of my dreams

She's not the girl I pictured at all

In those paint by number fantasies I've had

So it took me by complete surprise

When my heart got lost in those deep green eyes

She's not at all what I was looking for

She's more"

Elly May was mine now, I knew it and I felt it, my beautiful song had captivated her, she said I sounded and reminded her of a cross between Elvis Presley and Cactus Slim The Lonesome Serenader ...it didn't matter that everyone around us was eating every last bit of the fish, fried possum, collard greens, turnips, peas, beans and cornbread...we were in love and nothing else mattered.

Later that night, we all showed up at the "Pickin and Singin" barn, and we were in for a treat. The dance was to be hosted by Billy (The Squeakin' Deacon) Blanchard, with music provided by Milton (Tiny) Simpkins.

The music was great. Milton had us hopping to classics from Elvis, Randy and the Pahlem Valley Boys, as well as the memorable hits from Curley Rash and His South Texas Playboys.

Everything was perfect. I was in love, and nothing else mattered. I had even forgotten about my buddies BigM and HillBilly. (Actually, I forgot about them at some point while writing this story, but it's too much trouble now to go back and work them in, I'll make sure they get mentioned before I'm done).

Elly May looked up at me and whispered "sumpin's on fire in me, and Iont thank I kain contain meself any longer...I kaint never could do nothin right...the last time I told sumone I loved him, he ran away like a scaled dog, faster than greased lightnin...

Now, as my mind started singing "well this car is automatic, it's systematic, it's hydromatic, why it's greased lightnin!! Go, greased lightnin', you're burnin' up the quarter mile, greased lightnin', go greased lightnin!!", and before I could proclaim my undying love for Elly May, some huge mountain of a dude grabbed me from behind and spun me around...he had to be at least ten feet tall, and believe it or not, his name was Jethro.

"Fer your infamation, Elly May is ma girl, and I aints gonna lose her to no clone-warin furner whoms no bigger than a 'tater bug!!!"..."and I'm fixin to make yo life Doodley-squat in the next minnit or two...so you stain or leavin, cawse dis ugly Amerikin home boy is gonna daints all over yore face an make you wonder wat you usta weigh with your teeth still in yore tater trap!!!"

I think I understand what Elly May meant when she said the last time she told someone she loved him, he ran away like a scaled dog, faster than greased lightnin....I grabbed BigM and HillBilly (you see, I told you I'd work them back in the story), looked at Elly May and Jethro, and said "Shucky dern!!! look at the time, it's purt nigh time to go!!! I aint known to be a guy with much a grain a sense, or as my friend HillBilly would say "his cornbread ain't done", but I thank I best be on my way, like maybe Oer yonner, wayyyy Oer yonner...as Toe-sayin' goes "when the going gets tough, the clone-warin furner Canadian gets the hell outta Dodge!!!!

Give my regards to Jed, Granny, and the rest of the Clampetts and Bodines.

As I ran away, crazier than a run over dog, with BigM and HillBilly under my arms, I swear I could hear Elly May and Jethro singing in the distance...

"Well now it's time to say goodbye to Luc and all his kin

They would like to thank you folks for kindly dropping in

You're all invited back again to this locality

To have a heaping helping of their hospitality

(Canadian Hillbillies, that's what they call 'em now,

Nice folks Y'all come back now, ya hear?)"