Befriending Zebediah Boulstridge.

As lots of people know, I enjoy playing a good game of No Limit Texas Holdem.
I mostly play poker online, but occasionally play live tournaments as well.

Online Texas Holdem has become a regular activity in my life, actually more like a passion. Most of my evenings and nights are spent battling my friends and foes for Texas Holdem supremacy. With BigM and HillBilly by my side, I battle tooth and nail trying to put fear in my opponent's faces. BigM is the more calming influence when I play, while HB is more critical and judgemental.

Whenever I suffer a bad beat, and I'm about to explode in a fit of rage, BigM jumps on top of the computer and places his PlaidBanana against his ear. He then dances around and sings "Ring Ring Ring Ring Ring Ring Ring, Banana Phone...Ring Ring...". After a few seconds, I find myself dancing in front of the computer with BigM singing the banana phone song which eventually leads to BigM and I doing a little dirty dancing in the middle of the living room. I become Patrick Swayze (Johnny) and BigM is Jennifer Grey (Baby). I walk over to a cursing HillBilly and tell him "Nobody Puts Baby in a Corner!!!". We dance to (I've had) The Time of My Life and end it with BigM making that heart-stopping leap while I catch and lift him to the sky while striking the most amazing pose any man and his monkey can hold.

By then, I've completely forgotten about my bad beat although I've missed 8 or 9 hands but it's a heck lot better than tilting and losing all my chips on the next hand. I usually go back to the table with HillBilly bashing me on the head with his Skoal can and screaming stuff like "What in tarnation is going on here? I got a good notion to punch you in the Tater Trap!!! Arncha ever gonna learn? You're deftly a sandwich short of a picnic!! Now take hold of that mouse critter of yers and play some poker!". The tourney usually ends with me hanging around like a Dingle berry until my usual final table finish and HillBilly cursing at me for being too tight.

One day, BigM came swinging across the living room with what looked like some sort of a flyer. Watcha got their monkey? said HillBilly as he is mounting a gun rack on the side of the computer. "The next time you two daints around like little lightning bugs, I'm fixin to shootya both!!!" I took the flyer from BigM's hand. Hey guys, there's a Live Texas Holdem Tournament at the Scooby Shack in 2 weeks. Top prize is a seat at a Canadian Poker Tour event. "You're fixin' to go right?" said HillBilly. Don't know HB, I've never played in a Live tournament. I guess I can give it a shot.

A day went by, and we were all getting anxious. "Let's go to the mall" said BigM. Good idea, it'll take our minds of the tournament. As BigM and I walked past the food court, we ran into that British store clerk we met during our last Christmas Shopping fiasco, chowing down on a baked potato. "Hello mate" he said. "Hi Mouse", as I looked at his store name tag, how are you today? "Pretty good old chap, just eating my Jacket Potato before going home." You know Mouse, it's spring time, I think you can start eating t-shirt potatoes LOL. "Do you always act like a nutter or does it just come naturally mate?" Sorry Mouse, I have a hard time keeping my initial thoughts to myself. My doctor can't stand me either. "No worries mate, I actually find you quite amusing". Well thanks bud...you remember BigM right? "Oh yes, the monkey who likes to play with his rude bits". Actually, it's my Harryparatestes thank you!! replied BigM.

"So what are you shopping for today mate?" Actually, I'm getting ready for my first live Texas Holdem tournament. "Oh yes, I'm registered for that also, it will take place in a fortnight." Actually, it only lasts 1 night and it's in 2 weeks there Mouse. But hey, we can play a little heads-up sometime to get some practice, maybe share a few little pointers, what do you think Mouse? "Sure mate, I would fancy a little poker sometime soon." By the way, what is your real name Mouse? mine is Luc Cocopoutine. "Mine is Zebediah Boulstridge."

All of a sudden, there was a loud mixture of animal screeches and screaming women. Dogs, cats, rabbits, guinea pigs and gerbils were storming out of the pet shop and heading straight for us. It looked like a scene from The Lion King when those darn Buffaloes stormed through the valley of the Pridelands and stomped Simba's dad to death. My life was flashing before my eyes. I looked over at Zebediah and screamed "Run Forrest!!!". We instantly turned around and ran. We ran passed the record store, the pharmacy, the House of Poutine, my favourite sex toys shop, through the water fountain, and past the Travel Agency announcing reduced airfare to Atlanta Georgia to meet K9PokerDesser, voted by her peers as 2006's most seductive poker voice on the airwaves.

I looked ahead and saw that we were headed for a dead end. Zebediah screams "Blimey mate, we've hit a Cul-De-Sac." Zebediah and I literally had our backs to the wall and staring at a stampede of guinea pigs, gerbils, dogs, cats and rabbits who were now joined by ferrets, frogs, parrots and turtles bringing up the rear. BigM was leading the way, holding his Plaidbanana in one hand, a water rifle in the other, riding on top of a Bulldog and shouting "BEWARE THE BEAST MAN, FOR HE IS THE DEVIL'S PAWN. ALONE AMONG GOD'S PRIMATES, HE KILLS FOR SPORT OR LUST OR GREED"!!! Darn, I knew I shouldn't have let BigM watch Planet Of The Apes. He was out for revenge but I never saw it coming till now.

We were running out of time, but our luck turned for the best. We were beside a store specializing in jungle torches, mosquito repellent and fish net stockings. We each grabbed a lit torch from the display hangers and ran towards the stampede. Almost instantly, the animals turned around and started running in the other direction. What a sight, Zebediah and I, jungle torches in hand, chasing the wild beasts back towards the pet shop. We passed the Travel Agency, ran through the water fountain which almost put out our torches, the sex-toys shop which had a special on K9 Poker Tour mantyhoses, the House of Poutine, the pharmacy and the record store featuring The Violent Femmes greatest hits. The animals all ran back to the pet shop and in their cages with BigM hiding behind the Bulldog.

"That bloody Pillock monkey of yours is crazy mate!!!". I know Zebediah, he's one hell of a Moody monkey!!! As I went to grab BigM, the Bulldog growled. Easy now big boy, I just want to take BigM home OK? "Calm down Bully, he's my best friend" said BigM. "Sorry bro, I thought you were one of those humans ready to give us a bad beat. Friggin donkeys will get you every time!!!" said Bully.

I grabbed BigM and along with Zebediah, tried to apologize to the store owner. "What's a matter for you??" she said. "What's a matter for me? What's a matter for you?" I replied. By now, BigM had taken off in fright in the hamster cage running for dear life in the hamster wheel but getting nowhere. When I turned my attention back to the manager, I was face to face with the most beautiful pet shop owner I had ever seen. Her name tag said Crafty. Boy this mall has employees with funny names. First Mouse, now Crafty. "I'm so sorry miss, I let my monkey watch Planet Of The Apes a few days ago and I think he took it a little too personal." "A little? A little too personal?" Crafty replied. "Look at this store and the rest of the mall!!! She was right, the pet shop looked like my basement after one of my barnyard-fun Saturday night parties. I looked out in the mall to see women standing on benches, kids crying and mall clerks singing HAKUNA MATATA - IT MEANS NO WORRIES to try and calm everybody down!!! The white mall floors looked like giant chocolate chip cookies for the thousands of rabbit droppings. A cat called Murry was running around with mice hanging by their tails between his teeth and giant plastic mall trees burning in flames, probably from the torches Zebediah and I were chasing the savage beasts with.

Again miss Crafty, I am very sorry. I will obviously pay for any damages done to your store and the mall itself. By the way, that is an unusual name you have there. "My name is Maria Gianpoeano Romano but my friends call me CraftyItalian". Ok CraftyItalian, I really am sor..."I SAID MY FRIENDS CALL ME CRAFTYITALIAN!!! You can call me Crafty" . Yikes, I guess you're still upset about this little incident...maybe I can call you CraftyIta which would make me partly a friend? "AAARRRGGGGGGGGGG!!!" screamed Crafty." Zebediah stepped in. "I apologize for my imbecilic bumbling friend's attitude...you just can't educate pork!!!".

I took down Crafty's store phone number, and promised to call her back for the cost of the repairs she and the mall owner will want from me. Despite all of this, Zebediah agreed to play heads up with me in the next few days, in order to get ready for our live Texas Holdem tournament.