Christmas Shopping with BigM.

You know what BigM and I hate almost as much as a rectal exam or rotten bananas? Christmas shopping!!!!!

Now don't get me wrong, Christmas season is my favourite time of the year. I remember my favourite Christmas present of all time. It was a talking Hillbilly doll. I called him HB. When you pulled on HB's pull-string, he would say "Hidee there Yungins. Yontto get crazier than a run over dog and clown around?" The first time BigM and I heard that, we ran and hid under the bed thinking HB was telling us to run and hide because some crazy clown named Yontto ran over our dog Shaggy with his car. Mom eventually explained to us that HB was asking us to get crazy and play with him. Whenever BigM and I would come home from Daisy's, our babysitter, BigM would go crying in the bedroom after the usual bullying he gets by the other toys because of his Plaidbanana. HB would say "Hey chimpboy, you gotta git tougher than a one-eard alley cat with them dawgs or they'll pick at you fer ever". To this day, I still don't know what the hell HB was talking about but BigM became more aggressive with the toys and they left him alone.

My love for the Christmas season is also due to the fact that I get a chance to spoil my daughter.
I remember when she was 2 years old and I had this huge desire to spoil her rotten. I dressed up as Santa and woke her up early Christmas morning, like I've done until she was 11. HoHoHo Santa would say, and Kayla would jump out of bed and hold santas hand leading him to the living room where BigM and HB would be sitting amongst the mountain of presents. Kayla would take so much time to open her gifts, HB would say "Lans-sake little one, hurry so I can pull out the shine and get lickered up". BigM would be right in there anxious to see what was in the packages. "That chimp is as nosy as a pet 'coon". By the time she was done opening her presents, daddy would be snoring away in bed alongside a drunk HB while Kayla and BigM played with her toys.

The only drawback to my favourite season is Christmas shopping. I don't drive, so the lovely experience of Christmas shopping for me is compounded by the fact that I have to bring all my gifts back home by bus. I have a habit of procrastinating when it comes to Christmas shopping. So our great adventure began on December 23rd, in the afternoon, during a violent Canadian snowstorm. I finally had BigM's Plaidbanana and 2 fingers sewn to his hand so he wasn't uncomfortable going out in public anymore. We stood at the bus stop in the blowing snow and minus 50 degree Celsius temperatures counting the wind chill factor. What a sight it must have been for the people driving by. A big trembling Uncle Fester-looking Frenchman wearing bright red ear muffs holding hands with a snow covered monkey protecting his frozen Plaidbanana from the harsh elements.

Finally, after 20 minutes, the bus came around the corner. BigM and I hugged each other like two survivors of a horrific avalanche seeing rescue helicopters coming to their aid. As the bus got closer, BigM and I pried ourselves from each other and braced ourselves for the long-awaited moment. But the bus didn't stop. It was full and just drove right by. BigM bolted out of my hands and grabbed on to the back of the bus. All of a sudden, I was chasing a bus with a lunatic monkey flapping in the wind from it's roof holding a frozen Plaidbanana. "Let go BigM, you don't know where you're going!!". "I can't, my hand is frozen to the top of the bus". So I chased the bus for 8 blocks. Luckily people were getting off at most of the stops and I finally caught up to it. "Excuse me sir, can you wait a minute so I can get my monkey off the top of your bus?" The driver reluctantly waited until I came back with BigM. We stood in the bus and noticed that the people were laughing at us. I guess you would laugh too if you saw a big bald headed man with a frozen face matching the color of his ear muffs, a white frostbitten nose holding a snow covered monkey clutching to his frozen Plaidbanana and icicles hanging from his Harryparatestes.

We finally got to the shopping mall. BigM and I sat down at the food court sipping on our hot chocolates and trying to get over that terrible ordeal. After a half an hour of thawing out and devouring a heaping bowl of poutine, I grabbed BigM and set out for the department store.
I sat BigM in the shopping cart and off we went. I needed to find all my presents in this mall because of the fact that I didn't want to be shopping mall hopping in a violent snowstorm on jam-packed buses.

I took out my daughter's Christmas gift list and went to the movies and music department. She wanted the"Dance Tunes 2007" CD but all BigM and I could find was the 2006 version. I found a department clerk to ask if they had more 2007 versions in the back or on display somewhere. His store name tag read "Mouse". "That's an odd name for a person" BigM and I thought, but we figured that it must be his nickname or something. "Hello mate, how may I help you?" I'm shopping for my daughter and was looking for the "Dance Tunes 2007" CD and all I could find is the 2006 version. "Are you off your trolley mate? It's December 23rd, you're lucky to have found the 2006 version". I looked down at my list and saw "Silent Hill" which is a horror movie that Kayla wanted to see. Do you have "Silent Hill" on DVD? "You're a real plonker aren't you? What kind of man let's his daughter watch such a film?" While this was going on, BigM was rubbing his Harryparatestes to dry off the remains of the icicles. "My god! your friend is playing with his rude bits, make him stop or take him to the loo". OK dude, never mind, I'll find what I'm looking for by myself.

Three hours later, BigM and I were able to find everything on Kayla's list except for the "Dance Tunes 2007" CD. By now, BigM is sleeping like a baby in the shopping cart sucking on his Plaidbanana. I head towards the nearest cash register and I find myself faced with the longest lineups imaginable. Each lineup extended through 2 store aisles There were 8 cash register counters but only 4 were open. It's December 23rd!!! Where is your staff??? I see 2 cashiers alongside their closed counters straightening out the candy and magazine sections leading to their cash registers. A third cashier walks up and asks if she needs to open her cash register. I sarcastically tell her "naw it's OK dear, why don't you just go and place the returned items of the day on the shelves where they belong, we're in no hurry". So she turns around and leaves. Now I'm fuming. I storm my way to the back of a line, waking BigM out of his deep sleep, and find myself waiting way back in the music department. There's that Mouse dude sitting behind his counter eating his lunch. He looks up at me and BigM and says "Hey mate, sorry about my rudeness earlier, it's been a long day. Nothing like playing a little bit of Noughts and Crosses eating Bangers & Mash along with Spotted Dick to ease the tension". BigM looks at me and says "isn't he playing Tick-Tack-Toe and eating sausage and potatoes with some sort of hot pudding?" Leave it alone BigM, just leave it alone.

An hour and a half later, we've paid for our purchases and get back to the food court. I now find myself sitting at a table with 12 huge bags of Christmas presents and a whining monkey screaming "I wanna go home" over and over and over. Jeez that monkey is moody!!!

Let's see now, we left the house at noon, and it's 6pm. There's no way I'm leaving here without rewarding myself for going through this horrible experience. I'm gonna get myself 2 large steak and cheese subs filled with all the ingredients they can fit and devour them at home with a litre of chocolate milk. Off we go... Uncle Fester wearing his bright red ear muffs, with his plush monkey holding a Plaidbanana in one hand, while in the other hand, 12 huge bags of Christmas presents and another containing my 2 subs. Of course, the snowstorm is even worse and there are no buses in sight. I now find myself sitting in a bus shelter with 12 huge bags of Christmas presents lined up on the floor, another holding my 2 prized subs, and a trembling monkey laying beside me screaming "There's no place like home, there's no place like home". I can hear the people around me giggling like little girls, but who can blame them, and who really cares. I just want to go home, lie on the couch eating my subs and washing it all down with 1 litre of chocolate milk. 25 minutes later, the damn bus gets here. With one hand, I grab BigM, who was now screaming "I'm playing with my rude bits" over and over and over, and grab the bags as quickly as I can before the bus decides to leave us behind.

Finally, we're on our way home. I've got BigM, the Christmas presents and my reward for going through this hellish experience, my su...Oh no!!! Where are the subs? I look out the bus window and there is my bag of subs, sitting in the bus shelter slowly fading away in the snowy night. STOP THE BUS!!! STOP THE BUS!! But it's too late. The bus is now going through the intersection and my subs are lost. Now people are screaming in laughter at the sight of a bald Uncle Fester-looking dude wearing bright red ear muffs, sitting on the bus floor surrounded by 12 huge bags of Christmas presents singing "they're coming to take me away aha, they're coming to take me away hehe hoho" with a crazy monkey holding a Plaidbanana, swinging over my head screaming "look at my spotted dick" over and over and over.

I love Christmas shopping!!!!