The Walls of Dairy.

BigM and HillBilly came running home the other day. The last time I had seen my little monkey BigM this scared was the time we watched "Barney and Friends" together. Barney, Baby Bop and B.J. were talking about how you need to eat from the four food groups, Bread & Cereal, Meats & Protein, Milk & Dairy, & Fruits and Vegetables to be healthy. I felt safe since my Poutines and Pizza covered all the bases. But BigM only ate bananas...

As Barney said "I'll tell you. There once was a boy who would only eat noodles. Oodles, and oodles, and oodles of noodles. And unless mom served him, he'd go boo-hoo-hoodles. Yes unless he got noodles he get him mad noodles. And wiggle and whine and act terribly rooddles. He wouldn't eat salad or meatballs or froodles. He thought those were things that could wait. But then one dark day after eating his noodles, not carrots, and oranges, and such healthy froodles, that little boy turned into a noodle. And let that be a lesson to him, me, and youdle"...now, by the time Barney got to the part to "with a great big hug and a kiss from me to you" in his song, HillBilly was blasting the television with his shotgun screaming "ENOUGH WITH THEM OODLES N NOODLES N FROODLES, I kain't stands this no more!!! it's purt nigh time to put this ugly-as-a-mudfence-purple-quair-daintsing-overgrown-freak o nature possum, out of his misery!!!"

BigM was so scared he would turn into a banana, since that was all he ate. Of course, I didn't make things easier for him. Whenever BigM would reach for his fruity snack, I would say "Shimboree shimborah. Shimboree shimborah! YOU'RE GONNA TURN INTO A BANANA!!! MOUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!" I think I really over did it the time I decided to only eat bananas for a whole day and made sure BigM knew that. I walked in the living room that night in my "Bananas in Pyjamas" costume singing "BAH BEE BAH BEE BAH BEE BAH BEE BAH BEE BAH, are you thinking what I'm thinking B1?" I think BigM thought I had turned into a banana. Before HillBilly could say "Lawdy monkey-boy, he's just playin possum, you shid know by now that his cornbread ain't done!!!", BigM was swinging and racing across the house, there was no stopping him. By the time he settled down, the house was littered with broken lamps, flipped-over coffee and end tables and gazillions of torn up Miley Cyrus and Lady Gaga posters. I guess you can say BigM just went bananas.

Anyways, like I started saying, BigM and HillBilly came running home one day. BigM had a look of fright in his face while HillBilly was just plain angry. They were both huffing and puffing like crazy and the smell of buttermilk was in the air. "What's wrong guys?

"Crazy lady!! Crazy lady!!" was all BigM could say. HillBilly explained. "We's jus suffered the awfullest attack you jus kain't imagine. We ran like scaled dogs dodgin yogurt cups, cans o yungin formula and spray cans o whipped cream, whilst dis mighty fetchin but tougher-than-a-one-eard-alley-cat-crazy-woman wus screamin "NO SURRENDER, NO SURRENDER!!! THESE ARE DAIRY'S WALLS, AND I STAND EMBATTLED TO DEFEND HER".

Umm, have you guys been in the moonshine and banana martini's again?

BigM frantically explained how they were walking home from their day of Boxing Week shopping. They had bought me "The Wildly Delicious Brie Baker", which is part of their Petite Maison line. Apparently, it is packaged beautifully with a bamboo spreader in it's replica Cheese Wheel Box. They had also bought brie cheese, along with baguettes, crostini, fruits and crackers. I had always dreamed about that warm, velvety, decadently creamy baked Brie taste in my mouth, so the guys were so excited to surprise me with this.

As they walked down Chancery Street, they passed in front of a beautiful house. In the front yard, they noticed a fort-like structure that seemed to look like a snow fort, covered with small tubs of banana yogurt. They also couldn't help but notice a long hose off to the side. BigM passed the groceries to HillBilly and raced towards the fort, salivating at the thought of maybe sampling a container or two of banana yogurt. "Lans-sake BigM, didja know youz fixin to gitcha self in trouble or sumpin?? youz never bin tawt that tresspassin kin getcha shot??? I donts like dis vaymuch!!!!"

As BigM reached for a yogurt cup, the house front door opened, and a woman came racing out with a bag full of "Nestle Good Start" cans of baby formula, and "Reddi-Wip" spray cans of whipped cream. BigM and HillBilly dropped everything they had, the Wildly Delicious Brie Baker, the brie cheese, baguettes, crostini, fruits and crackers, and "headed fur da hills!!!" as HillBilly would say, while dodging banana yogurt cups, Reddi-Wip and baby formula while slipping and sliding through buttermilk jet streaming at them from the crazy lady's hose.

Obviously, this story seemed a little far fetched, almost like a story you'd hear or read from a crazed-lunatic-deranged and off centered maniac who should probably be locked up somewhere and never be seen again.

But I still had to follow up on this, especially since the guys did smell like buttermilk and were covered in whipped cream. I also had to get my Wildly Delicious Brie Baker back.

The three of headed to Chancery Street. I figured BigM could go and apologize to the lady since he did actually tresspass on her property. As we got in the neighborhood, it was easy for me to see which property the guys had encountered. The front lawn had this five foot high, purple-pink-yellow fortress-like wall with hundreds of empty two liter tubs of Chapman's fruity flavored frozen yogurt around it, with an orange castle gate-like entrance door, right in the middle. There were mice seemingly trying to nibble at the gate's door, while cats were licking away at the walls and chasing after the mice. A long hose was laying at the side of the fort, along with my "Wildly Delicious Brie Baker", and rustic chunks of baguette all over the place. An open package of Brie cheese was laying amongst the mice, with pieces of fruit and crackers all over the property. About twenty feet from the fort, there was a huge snowman with what seemed to be a monkey-shaped tunnel through his stomach. This had to be the place!!!

Nobody was outside, so we headed for the Wildly Delicious Brie Baker, with the intent to then go apologize to the lady. We were no more than three feet from the Brie Baker when all of a sudden, sirens started blaring. We were bombarded by loud and aggressive horns, drums, bugles, bagpipes and carnyxes. Cats and mice were running all over the place. I grabbed BigM and HillBilly and took refuge behind the huge snowman. As we sat there in fright, we were trembling to the sounds of "You'll Never Beat the Irish "...

You'll never beat the Irish

No matter what you do

You can put us down and keep us out

But we'll come back again

You know we are the fighting Irish

and we'll fight until the end

You should have known

You'll never beat the Irish

The front doors to the house swung open. A woman came running out and took refuge behind the fortress with her hose in hand.

HillBilly was beside himself. "I have the awfullest feeling we ain't gonna git outta dis alive...the lady is as purty as a speckled pup, but crazier than a run over dog ".

Ok guys, let me try and reason with her. "Excuse me kind lady, my name is Luc and I was wondering if I can come out and explain our intentions here?". Two seconds later, the three of us were clinging to each other, under a spraying of buttermilk from the lady's hose with marbled Cheese Strings bouncing all around us. I looked through the snowman's monkey-shaped tunnel to see this woman valiantly aiming her buttermilk flowing hose at us in one hand, while throwing cheese strings with the other and screaming "NO SURRENDER, NO SURRENDER, THESE ARE DAIRY'S WALLS, AND I STAND EMBATTLED TO DEFEND HER!!!".

Defiantly, I stood up. Through the buttermilk splashing across my face and up my nose, and small cartons of "Egg Beaters" flying by, I calmly explained "I'm just here to apologize for my buddy BigM's actions earlier today. We understand that he made a big mistake in tresspassing on your property, and we are deeply sorry for any inconvenience this may have caused you". If you don't mind, I'll slowly walk over, grab my "Wildly Delicious Brie Baker", any baguette chunks and Brie cheese I can make use of, and we'll be on our way.

All of a sudden, the jet of buttermilk subsided. All got silent. The lady put her hose down and screamed "This is my (hic) property, and (hic) what lies on it, now belongs (hic) to me.

HillBilly yelled out: "That woman is higher than a Georgia pine!!!".

The woman shouted back: " Are you trying to say I'm piflicated or something? I'm just a little tipsy, that's all!!!"

Great!!! Not only do I have to figure out what HillBilly was accusing the woman of, I had to deal with this crazy lady throwing big words out at me. "Excuse me kind lady, I'm sure that my buddy wasn't insinuating that you are piflicated". I tried to act as if I knew what the word actually meant.

All of a sudden, the loud and aggressive horns, drums, bugles, bagpipes and carnyxes started blaring again. I decided to use a tactic I learned in watching "Get Smart" rerun episodes as a teenager.

"Madam!! You don't really think we'd be stupid enough to come here alone, do ya? In a very short while, hundreds of crack paratroopers will come crashing onto this property and destroy your fruity frozen yogurt and cheese-gated fortress!!!"

A massive jet of buttermilk soon followed.

"Would you believe Sylvester Stallone and four of his mercenary buddies?"

Cue in the onslaught of eggs.

"How about Tarzan and a couple of his apes?"

More buttermilk and eggs.

"Bomba the Jungle boy?"

I was now in a war zone...jets of buttermilk spraying all over...she had one of those Acme Corporation catapults, like the one Wile E Coyote used to have, shooting bars of cream cheese every five seconds...the cats and mice were throwing globs of Dulce de leche in all directions.

I looked behind and saw BigM and HillBilly already 2 blocks away, running in fear. It was now or never!!! Do I run away, or do I go after my "Wildly Delicious Brie Baker", which I vehemently stress, is part of their Petite Maison line!!!

I waited for the right moment...I figured that there would come a point where the crazy lady would have to re-load her Acme Corporation catapult with cream cheese bars, and would have to put down her buttermilk-spraying hose to do so.

As I stood and waited, still dodging the globs of Dulce de leche, and munching on a few sticks of "Marbled Cheese Strings", the catapult stopped, and the crazy lady put down her hose. It was go time!!!! I yelled "Tora Tora Tora" and raced towards the Brie Baker. The onslaught of globs of Dulce de leche grew more intense, soon accompanied by clouds of powdered milk thrown by another Acme Corporation thingamajig!!! I knew that my only chance was to get to my Brie Baker before the catapult was reloaded and the crazy lady had the opportunity to get her hose active again.

I was doing great...I was flying across the battlefield, with globs of Dulce de leche and egg yolk all over me, a layer of milk powder from head to toe...but I hadn't factored in one key obstacle in my master plan...SLIPPAGE!!!!

The battlefield was now slicker than ever...it had become a mixture of snow, ice, buttermilk, egg yolk, mashed marbled cheese strings, cream cheese, Duche de leche, whipped cream and powdered milk and there was no way to go but wherever the slippery trail would take me.

Soon enough, I was plowing head first, on my stomach, through the battlefield. I had flashbacks of sliding on my Wham-O Slip N Slide carpet, but instead of having a nice grassy landing waiting for me, I ended up head first in a purple-pink-yellow fruity yogurt wall. I was plastered with globs of Duche de leche and cheese strings, smothered with a mixture of buttermilk and everything else I could pick up along the way, a two liter Chapman's frozen yogurt tub on top of my head, and a piflicated crazy lady still spraying me with buttermilk screaming ""NO SURRENDER, NO SURRENDER, THESE ARE DAIRY'S WALLS, AND I STAND EMBATTLED TO DEFEND HER!!!".

As stubborn as I am, I had to resign to the fact that I had lost the battle. I pried myself out of the fruity yogurt wall and crawled through the cheese gate fortress entrance. As I crawled away, through the battlefield, without my "Wildly Delicious Brie Baker", with jet streams of buttermilk and bars of cream cheese still bombarding me, I realized something, don't mess with piflicated ladies, especially ones who won't stop for nothing in defending and protecting what they feel is rightfully theirs.