A few years back, BigM, HillBilly and I contemplated going on a trip but couldn't decide where we should go.
BigM suggested Disneyland. Somehow the thought of HillBilly standing in a little boat at the "It's A Small World" attraction, screaming "Hush yore tater traps you awfullest quair daintsing hissy lickered-up lightning bug yungin furners!!!", shooting at hundreds of brightly costumed audio-animatronic dolls, didn't lead me to believe we'd be frolicking in the spirit of international unity, as the attraction was meant to do. It actually conjured up images of Chuck Norris, hunkered down deep in a Vietnam jungle, picking off General Trau's soldiers one by one, in an incredible effort to free American prisoners of war...
I imagined, out of the Arctic/North Pole room, being ambushed by Scandinavian animatronic dolls. A block of Danish, Norwegian and Swedish fighting dolls were stomping and screaming from behind with spiked balls, lances and shields pointed towards us. English dolls with Cockney accents came running out of the Europe room backed by French and Italian children of the world. Chamois, Wild Ibexes and Marmots came storming with angry yodeling Swiss dolls. We raced as fast as our little boat could go, past the Asian, African and Latin American rooms, only to be greeted by angry howling mermaids tossing King Triton-like tridents at us....Needless to say, we all agreed that Disneyland may not be such a good idea.
One night, we were watching WWF Championship Wrestling. It happened to be the Royal Rumble. BigM and I were rooting for The Undertaker while HillBilly favored Hulk Hogan. To our surprise, some up and comer was mowing down wrestlers right and left. He DDTed Triple H, driving the poor soul's head into the mat, Sharpshooted Kurt Angle , slammed Jericho to the mat with a Samoan Drop and Spinebusted The Big Show and every other wrestler in the ring. Then came the most amazing spectacle you could imagine...he was staring straight in the face of Hulk Hogan, who was ripping his yellow-and-red shirt off his body, flexing, shaking and reacting to thousands of Hulkamaniacs' and HillBilly's frantic screams and cheers. HillBilly looked over at BigM and I "Lawdy!!! that boy's life's bout to mean Doodley-squat, that dawg won't be huntin no more!!!" But before you knew it, he picked up the Hulkster, slammed him to the mat and kicked him repeatedly in the face. He then looked in the stands, pulled off his elbow pad in slow motion and threw it into the crowd. He ran left, bounced off the ropes, then over Hulk Hogan who was still on the ground, and bounced off the ropes again. He stopped in front of his prey, kicked his right leg up and dropped an elbow on Hulk Hogan's heart. BigM and I were freaking!!! We had just witnessed "The People's Elbow". The young wrestler had slayed the great Hulk Hogan and was screaming "DO YOU SMELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL WHAT THE ROCK IS COOKIN!!!!". The young warrior was "The Rock" and inspired BigM and I to choose Newfoundland, also known as "The Rock", for our trip destination...
You did remember this all started with us trying to decide where we should go for our trip, right?
HillBilly didn't want any part of Newfoundland, as he was still upset with Hulk's demise to "The Rock", and decided to stay home.
The only problem with Newfoundland was the fact that it was known for odd and extreme weather, but we ingeniously planned our trip for the city of Ramea Beach, knowing full well there would be beach-like weather with hotties in bikinis swarming all over the place.
It took two days of traveling, from a ferry, to a schooner vessel, a French shallop, a punt keeled rowboat and a canoe made of birchbark. We finally arrived at Ramea Beach in our kayak sealskin boat. The ocean was so rough, BigM and I probably swallowed enough salt ocean water to season the city's poutine intake for the next five years.
We were greeted by the city's mayor, Chesley Antle, in the pouring rain. "She's some lop on da pond, buddy what?"...umm yeah, nice to meet you sir, my name is Luc and this is my buddy BigM. Those ocean waves are huuuuge, a liitle rough for our liking, you know what I mean? "That's what I just said me by'e, why, your monkey friend is all mops and brooms me son!!"...well, if you don't mind Chesley, we've had an extremely long trip, but BigM will surely mop and clean your kayak in the morning if that's ok with you...."no worries me by'e, i dies at u"...I later found out that "all mops and brooms" meant untidy condition of the hair and that Chesley wasn't about to kill himself, he was just saying I was funny.
Good thing HillBilly didn't come...can you imagine the confusing conversations?
BigM and I walked down Main Street, looking for our hotel, "The Old Trout". You'd think in a small town of 185 people, it wouldn't be hard to find. An hour later, I asked someone for directions. Excuse me mam, can you tell me where I can find "The Old Trout" hotel? The lady replied "ow she gettin on dere cocky?" I looked down and checked my pants in case my fly was down. "you looks like you've been hauled through a knot hole, yes by'e, it's out on the neck, down da arm, up the shore, you can't miss it"...
Ok kind lady, my friend and I have just spent nearly two days in the ocean, wearing these ridiculous yellow sou'wester hats, raincoats and boots, on every type of boat imaginable, fighting off whales and sea gulls and spitting out more salt than any MacDonald's fry can ever imagine doing!! And it's pouring rain!!! Can you pleeeeease give us a street name and an address or at least point us in the right direction??? The lady laughed "yur stund as me arse aren't ya me by'e?? I've watched you both passer by three times already, jus turn around an walk straight, yur a gunshot away".
Turns out "The Old Trout" hotel was an old woman's house with three rooms for rent, which explains why we passed by it three times. We walked in and were greeted by the owner, Bessie Trout. Good evening mam, we were looking for a place to stay for the next ten days, would you have any vacancy? "Lard tunderin!!! wus ya born on a raff? Close the door, it's cold!!!" BigM raced to the front door and shut it tight. "The doors not an arse hole, it doesnt shut it self!!!" Ok mam, I get it, we're very sorry. "Yes by'e, I have one room left for ya and yur monkey friend, $125 a night"...
$125 a night? for a bedroom in your house? We'll find another hotel, thanks anyways. As we walked out, I heard her scream "Fair weather to you and rain to your heels me by'e, but this here's the only hotel in Ramea's Beach". BigM and I looked at each other, rain dripping from the brim of our yellow sou'wester hats, and walked back in the house. Ok Bessie, we'll take it. "That'll be $1500 for 10 nights!!" But you said $125 a night didn't you? "i'se da gal da bulid da boat... ur's da by's dat sails er, so wat I says goes me by'e or you sleep outside!!!" Before I could say "you know what you can do with your room you old trout!!!", a young goddess-like red-headed beauty of a woman waltzed in the living room...
Now, tell me you didn't see that coming...
Normally, I would say she had me from hello, but in this case, she had me from"'ow she cuttin dere by'e?"
Umm, hi my name is Luc and this is my buddy BigM. "Pleased to meet you, my name is Effie, I see you met my stepmother... myyy, yur some-nice-piece-a-stuff"...before I knew it, BigM had me tackled to the ground...he sensed the oncoming Rudolph-Clarice "I'm cute, I'm cuuuuuute" moment before I had the chance to jump around the house screaming "I'm some-nice-piece-a-stuff, I'm some-nice-piece-a-stuuuuuuuuuuuuff".
I'll take the room Mrs. Trout, actually $150 a night is not enough for a nice establishment like this, here's $2000!!
"Lard dien' dumpin, if I ever find you messin with my Effie, there won't be enough of you to pray over!!!"
The next morning, BigM and I sat at the breakfast table with Bessie the old trout, Effie, Harvey and Hedley, who were guys renting the other two rooms...
Harvey: Wattaya At.
Hedley: Nuttin.
Harvey: You wit Maggie last night er wha.
Hedley: Yuh.
Harvey: How was she?
Hedley: OHHHHHH STATE!
To this day, I still have no idea what those guys were talking about.
Effie and I were really hitting it off!!! We spent our days together, sometimes strolling the dock, hand in hand, with BigM on my shoulder, Effie's beautiful red hair flowing in the hurricane-like wind, feeding capelin and herring to the beautiful puffins. We also visited the forest, spending time with white-tailed deer, red foxes, beavers, caribou, blue jays, bunnies and squirrels who had no fear whatsoever of Effie's gentle hands and voice. It was like a scene from Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs, and Effie singing "With a Smile and a Song" while the animals came out of the trees and bushes humming and singing with her. Effie was my Snow White, beautiful inside and out.
On another day, we visited Effie's workplace, Ramea Beach Sea Products Ltd. She was the Fish Plant Team Leader, in charge of the fish plant labourers, fish cutters and cleaners, fish cutting machine operators, fish briners, fish salters, shellfish labourers, shellfish weighers, shellfish shuckers, as well as the fish and shellfish packers. She introduced me as her boyfriend. I now knew I was in love.
On day nine of our vacation, the three of us decided to go out for a drive. As usual, it was pouring rain with hurricane-like winds....definitely not weather you would associate with a place called Ramea's Beach, but it didn't matter, because I was with Effie.
"Ya better put da side back in 'er b'y".
I had spent so much time with Effie, that I actually knew she had asked me to roll the window up in the car. At that very moment, I felt a special bond and connection with Effie. I could understand her language and could probably speak it if I was forced to. I felt I knew her totally, inside and out. It was kind of like the bond and connection between Jake Sully, an Avatar Program bodyguard, and Neytiri, of the densely forested habitable moon called Pandora. Like Jake, I knew that I would have to choose between staying with my beloved Effie in Pandora, or in my case, Ramea Beach, or go back home...and I only had one more day to decide.
She dropped BigM and I off at Willie and Sadie's corner store, while she headed to Fannie's Self-Serve to gas up. I asked Sadie where the beach happened to be. "Beach? nare one here me by'e". But, your town is called Ramea's Beach, shouldn't there be a beach and beach-like weather with hotties in bikinis swarming all over the place? That's why we chose to come here you know, along with the fact that our favorite wrestler, The Rock, just beat Hulk Hogan for the WWF Championship. "You ever wonder wat Effie sees in ya me by'e?, cawse u gotta face only ya mudder could love, and yur stund as me arse" " but I'll tell ya that we have no beach...we changed our town's name from Ramea to Ramea's Beach to help our tourism revenue by attractin folk like you looking for a warm holiday".
Hey!!! you're the second person who's said I was "stund as me arse", I resent that, and what do you have against my face???
"What I mean is yous got a face on yer like a burnt-boiled-boot!!"
Well Sadie!! Effie said that I was some-nice-piece-a-stuff, so she must like something about me!!! and I think she loves me. "How much you payin ol Bessie Trout for your room me by'e? $150 a night? $200? I'll betcha paying more than you wanted arncha? Ye fellas can never figr' that one out can ya??" Ol Bessie and Effie Trout are makin a fortune off you me by'e".
Two hours had passed, and Effie hadn't come back to get us at the corner store. I was starting to believe Sadie's story. Was it possible that my beautiful Snow White's affections for me were actually a ruse with her stepmother, Queen Grimhilde, to milk me out of $2000, like many other unsuspecting guys before me?
I grabbed BigM and raced back to "The Old Trout" hotel. We walked in the kitchen to find Harvey and Hedley, crying, faces planted on the table. They told us how Effie and Bessie had scammed them out of their hard earned money as well. Apparently, Bessie and Effie left for a few days, long enough to avoid us all, before checkout time.
Sadie was telling the truth after all.
The next morning, BigM and I had one last breakfast with Harvey and Hedley before checkout time.
We cooked and ate everything we could find to try and make up for the $2000 the Trouts had scammed from us. We ate so much, we felt blowed up like blood poison cats.
Harvey and Hedley shook our hands and wished us well..."May the wind always blow in your back mates".
At the dock, we told our Bessie and Effie Trout story to Chesley the mayor. He apologized for not saying this to me sooner..."My father would warn about dating red headed girls...he would say "mind now me son, don't you be at dem foxy heads now. Ya knows dere nuttin but spite cats".
Unfortunately, it was a lesson I learned a little too late. As BigM and I rowed away in our kayak sealskin boat, swallowing wave after wave of salt ocean water and fighting off angry sea gulls and Greenland sharks, I realized the epic fail of our vacation. Not only did we miss out on a relaxing, sunny beach holiday, and were scammed out of $2000 for a 10 day small one bedroom stay at Bessie and Effie's "The Old Trout" hotel, I once again failed in the pursuit of a love interest (and also found out there may something wrong with my face).
As my favorite cartoon buddy "Bugs Bunny" would say, "Boo hoo hoo- always a bridesmaid but never the bride.... Boo Hoo Hoo".
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